Have a tip for a story? Email us at email@example.com.
Follow us on Twitter by clicking here.
Follow us on Instagram by clicking here.
Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Forever Facebook page to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.
Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information.
Earlier today we published this blog about the douche dumplings who were arrested after state police set up a blockade on I-93, ending the 2018 tour de saggy pants. New video from around Boston shows just how insanely reckless they were:
Doing wheelies, on the sidewalk, narrowly missing pedestrians while driving close to 50 mph on a city street. They serve no purpose whatsoever. Their existence only endangers real people who actually matter. They just take up space, collect our tax dollars, steal our oxygen, and get in the way. It’s gonna be a great day for society when Darwin finally comes calling for these crust maggots.
The seven who were arrested, including the moron who got shot in the foot, have all been identified. They range in age from 21 to 31, which makes them HUGE losers. It would be one thing if this was a bunch of 17 year olds who didn’t know any better. But we’re talking about grown ass men here, who allegedly need to be able to do this because their only other option in life is poppin caps in the asses of those who sell them skimp bags of yayo.
Here they are in all their glory.
Christopher Cabassa, 31, of Lawrence was charged with failure to stop for police; negligent operation; disorderly conduct; wrong way violation on a state highway; marked lanes violation; unlicensed operation; no inspection sticker; resisting arrest; and careless operation in a tunnel.
Christian Que pasa is the oldest of the bunch, and by the looks of his Facebook page he exists for the sole purpose of reproducing and providing strange women with junior tax credits.
Yup, he’s got a litter of bang trophies sitting at home, being kept alive by the taxpayers, while he’s out spending his Saturday afternoon getting locked up for doing wheelies on I-93.
Guess were Kilbasa’s from:
You knew at least one of these slugpumps had to be from Lawrence. That’s just science. So is the fact that he inevitably owns a plethora of bootleg chains and flat brimmed hats with the sticker still on it.
Next up was Edgar Dossantos Jr., 30, of Quincy. Although he’s one of those Quincy queef barnacles who says, “yo, I’m from Boston dog” because he thinks it makes him sound hard.
Of course when he says that he says it in broken bootleg Portuguese, because Edgar 50 Centeria doesn’t speak a lick of English. From the looks of his pictures he immigrated here from a shithole not too long ago:
And upon moving to America the first thing he did was become a fan of the sportball team that we all knew he would be a fan of:
His hobbies include trying to make cheap beer look glamorous
Dressing up like he’s going out clubbin to Sh-Booms while posing on his bike in the living room
And of course special time with friends
He was charged with failure to stop for police; reckless operation; disorderly conduct; and resisting arrest.
Aderito Monteiro, 28, of Randolph, was the one who was shot. Guess who he’s Facebook friends with:
Yup. The Lowell Beaver Bumper herself. Six degrees of ratchets almost never fails.
He also pretends to live in Boston because it’s not ghettofabulous enough to say you live in Randolph.
He was arrested and charged with failing to stop for police, negligent operation, disorderly conduct, driving an unregistered ATV, driving an uninsured ATV and a marked lanes violation. Apparently this skinny jeaned cheddarpoon decided it would be wise to drive his ATV toward a State Trooper and a Boston Police officer on the Exit 18 off-ramp to Massachusetts Avenue. Consequently he ended up getting shot in the foot, received a taxpayer funded trip to Boston Medical Center, and was sent to the State Police barracks for booking.
In his free time (which I’m sure he has unlimited amounts of) he likes to play dress up like an Italian mobster sitting outside of a deli.
He also enjoys doing glamour shoots at the Burlington Coat factory
And of course pretending to lead the life of a baller while living in a rundown section 8 Randolph ratchet den.
Next up was our gringo de jour – Shane Fein, 21, of North Attleborough.
You knew at least one person in the group would be named Shane. Nothing has ever been more certain. Ever.
Sugar Tits Shane seemed to have grown up a lonely teen in the suburbs, desperate for someone to go skateboarding with him:
Luckily a group of wild Brazilians and Quincy slugpumps took him under their wing and let him feel like he was part of the crew.
When he’s not endangering the general public he’s doing white people things:
Like going to Bruin’s games
And participating in the most gangsta sport of all time – cross country:
Sugar Tits Shane was charged with failure to stop for police; negligent operation; disorderly conduct; marked lanes violation; driving an unregistered and uninsured motor vehicle; unlicensed operation; wrong way violation on a state highway; and careless operation in a tunnel. Safe to say Shane’s gonna be grounded for at least a fortnight.
Gustavo Arceno-Rosa, 22, of Saugus, was charged with failure to stop for police; negligent operation; disorderly conduct; marked lanes violation; driving an unregistered motor vehicle; wrong way violation on a state highway; and careless operation in a tunnel.
Gustavo Muchacho is from the same shithole town as Edgar 50 Centeria.
Saugus dogs like him know how to play
With a little bit of luck they’ll continue to play like this on their bikes and eventually run head into Princess Diana’s limo driver.
The other two got lucky because they don’t seem to be on Facebook. One of them of course ended up being from Worcester:
Josue Hidalgo, 23, of Worcester, was charged with disorderly conduct; resisting arrest; and conduct endangering a person or property.
William Suliveras, 29, of Methuen, was charged with failure to stop for police; negligent operation; disorderly conduct; wrong way violation on a state highway; marked lanes violation; resisting arrest; and careless operation in a tunnel.
This is our #1 export in Worcester – douchebags. And we just had a bumper crop season.
Anyway, nothing will end up happening with any of these assbags, which is OK because the quicker they get back on their bikes, the quicker they become cement sandwiches.