All-Star Criminals

Mega Jugged Poon Pinatas Get Dimed Out By Every Hoodrat In Springfield After Stealing $160 Worth Of Booze In West Springfield

 

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The West Springfield put up a post today looking for two skags who stole $160 worth of booze from what appears to be a Costco.

Looks like someone was living their breast life.

I don’t know who these women are, but odds are that more than one person owes each of them child support, because the kind of chuds who get access to their tuna tunnels would rather invest their hard earned shwagg proceeds into flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats and the newest pair of Jordan’s. I for one am SHOCKED that they weren’t taking Hennessy. If you’re covered in tittoos and stealing liquor from Costco you probably drink Henny for breakfast. That’s just science.

The first place I’d look at is the Magic Latern or Mardi Gras, during the day shift of course. Those clams are way too rugged to work anything but the lunch buffet. The cops figured out who they were in just a couple of hours, as evidently these two are really famous in hoodbooger circles for claiming to be ballers.

The thieves evidently taken down their Facebook pages after one of them was called out by a local MENSA candidate named Jasmine who accused her of being a “RAT HOE,” who tried to blame it all on her friend.

“Bitch as you can see I don’t have shit. I don’t steal, I just be with people.”

Based on her mastery of the English language I think it’s also safe to assume that these poon pinatas live in Springfield.

Turns out they do. Meet Lexi Lopez (blonde in the back)

and Victoria Scala from Springfield.

Here they are rocking out to their favorite song – “freak nasty ho’s.” (front right and backseat)

Victoria is pregnant with Lexi’s brother’s baby, so of course she’s stealing liquor from Costco. What else would she be doing?

Did I mention they also robbed the same Costco on June 26? Here’s Victoria and Lexi and some local moose trying unsuccessfully to sit a bottle of grey goose in their purse, before returning for a bottle of patron silver.

The fact that she couldn’t just put the tip in there explains why she’s pregnant in the first place.

Victoria also might be the worst criminal of all time, and it’s far from her first shoplifting incident. Like that time she tried running over a security guard at the Natick Mall with her car in order to save her friend who had been caught stealing, only to see that friend get into the car, abandon her, and drive it away after Victoria got out to fight for her honor.

The lawyer for a Springfield woman accused of assaulting a Macy’s security guard and committing an unarmed robbery on Friday was just trying to defend a friend. Victoria N. Scala, 19, saw her friend being grabbed by a woman in plain clothes and did not realize she was a store security guard trying to stop an alleged shoplifter, Scala’s lawyer, Michael Brennan, said Monday during her Natick District Court arraignment.

“She sees one of her friends being grabbed by a stranger and she tries to help,” Brennan said.

Macy’s security had followed two women from the store into the parking garage after watching them steal sunglasses, prosecutor Megan Fitzgerald said. While security was escorting one of them back to the store, Scala “pointed her vehicle at the loss prevention officer and drove straight toward her. She had to jump out of the way.”

Scala got out of her car and knocked a loss prevention officer to the ground after hitting him with a bag full of clothing. She continued hitting him until other loss prevention officers stepped in, Fitzgerald said. While that was happening, the two alleged shoplifters got into the car and drove away, leaving Scala.

They’ve deactivated their most recent Facebook pages, but we’d be honored to have them on the live show any time to share their side of the story.

 

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39 Comment(s)
  • Richyrich
    July 13, 2019 at 2:49 pm

    With tetas grandes like those I’m surprised they don’t have to dudes tripping over themselves to ply them with free Henny

  • Trained Killer
    July 10, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

  • This is what living trash looks like
    July 10, 2019 at 8:32 am

    Two massive pigs! Already fkn up her unborn baby.

  • WeRFucked
    July 10, 2019 at 8:18 am

    Fuck them. Fuck this state for paying for that cum dumpster to have a kid and support them both for the next 18+ years.

    Whores. The both of them.

  • Dick Scratcher
    July 10, 2019 at 6:59 am

    Limerick of the day…… it was always going to be this story, wasn’t it?

    When visiting Springfield’s best bits,
    Be sure to see all of the hits,
    Six Flags and Bright Nights
    Plus the Forest Park Heights
    And the shoplifters’ big, plastic tits.

    Dick Scratcher, aged Kronenbourg 1664

  • Turd Reversalist
    July 10, 2019 at 6:08 am

    Lexi is a fine candidate for a round rogering of the rump.
    Butt that’s just my professional opinion.

  • Y
    July 9, 2019 at 11:33 pm

    Posting this here, instead of on the corresponding Disneyland blog, because no one’s going back and checking comments.
    In any event, this black man’s sarcastic commentary is amazing. Enjoy.

    • Aonaöe
      July 10, 2019 at 12:29 am

      I love some Amazing Lucas, watched him before but hadnt seen this one. Thank you Y *holy ghost arm*

    • TheCureForHope
      July 10, 2019 at 8:44 am

      Brilliant! This guy is very, very funny.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      July 10, 2019 at 2:26 pm

      LOL Much better than than the lame ass one by the comic guy.

    • Big Wick
      July 11, 2019 at 10:47 am

      Lucas is gold, thanks, Y! Wish I could tell Lucas to get more indirect lighting, the reflection from the cellphone light in his glasses is mega-distracting.
      Hey, Y, could you repeat your quicky tutorial on putting web pages up? I tried to embed a page from imgur and only got the text. Or, does the comment software only allow YouTube? (I PROMISE I’ll copy and save your instructions.)

  • Wade Boggs Taint
    July 9, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    The demise of Backpage sadly has driven 50.00 BBBJCIMNQNS whores to new lows.

  • Captain Trips
    July 9, 2019 at 7:50 pm

    There’s more blue cheese dressing in them there holes than in the entire Wishbone factory

    • Y
      July 9, 2019 at 9:15 pm

      Ass looks like a bag of wet clothes.

  • Rat Hoe
    July 9, 2019 at 7:17 pm

    I am not just a rat, I’m a rat hoe. But don’t call me fat .

  • z
    July 9, 2019 at 6:27 pm

    The photo right after “and Victoria Scala from Springfield.”

    What’s that sticking out of the ass of that stuffed animal humping the head board?

    • Tag... UrIt
      July 9, 2019 at 7:12 pm

      Umm…a tag??? Tag dat doggy butttttt….

  • Captain Trips
    July 9, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    So glad these islanders have come up here to help Make America Great Again

    …sarcasm….

  • Raymond Patriarca
    July 9, 2019 at 5:42 pm

    These two skanks have probably seen more pipe than the Trans-Canada pipeline !
    Fucking putiach’s !

    • Y
      July 9, 2019 at 9:11 pm

      They’ve seen more dick-ends than weekends, for sure!

  • z
    July 9, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    I didn’t know Costco sold beer and booze.
    The shelving in back makes it look like the Home Depot across the parking lot.
    “Home Depot – Let’s do this!!!!”

    Let’s see. Where’s my list?
    Nail gun.
    Air Compressor.
    Nails.
    Circular saw.
    Yukon Jack.
    Jägermeister.

    • My Sweet Springfield
      July 10, 2019 at 2:51 am

      Pretty sure it’s Table & Vine, same shopping area as Costco. It’s a big upscale (by W.Mass standards) liquor store.

  • Liawatha
    July 9, 2019 at 5:28 pm

    This is merely a couple of kids having fun. It’s part of their culture. It’s a victimless, petty crime. I’m sure the millionaires and billionaires who own Costco won’t even notice.

    • Silencio Dogood
      July 10, 2019 at 3:24 am

      Sadly, i sent a notice along with these videos, to the millionaires and billionaires who own Costco. They were as upset as they get when they lose lint from an empty pocket.

  • Mr. Wood
    July 9, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    Mr. Wood’s wood is in need of a massive shot of penicillin for just looking at these Mega Jugged Poon Pinatas. Mr. Wood’s wood is now out of service.

  • Dr. Fill
    July 9, 2019 at 4:53 pm

    Hot. I would bang the shit out of them…

    …With a hammer.

  • Is there enough alcohol in patron to kill chlamydia?
    July 9, 2019 at 4:43 pm

    Damn even after two 1.75 bottles of patron I don’t think I could….. nasty

  • Algonquin Heights
    July 9, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    These heads need to find out who the baby daddy is. Running around shaking it, but you was just faking it. peace.

  • The Name Game
    July 9, 2019 at 4:27 pm

    Lexi Loopy Lopez and Victoria Scaly-crotch Scala. I’d motorboat udders like that… just not theirs. Certainly no fashionistas, with those checkered pants (UGGGG-LY!) and vert-striped RW&B jumpsuit. Bet they play the alphabet game: collect the EBT, have newborn collected by DCF. More waste. Sigh.

    • MehMehMeh
      July 10, 2019 at 2:03 pm

      Those pants should have gotten charged with disturbing the peace. Or maybe attempted murder, ’cause that whole outfit is killing me, tbh.

  • Just Sayin
    July 9, 2019 at 4:24 pm

    I love me some big ol sweater puppies!!!

    • Elsie's Elmer
      July 9, 2019 at 4:30 pm

      Udderly Delicious!

    • Marion Barry
      July 9, 2019 at 7:13 pm

      Fat girl titties don’t count. Never have – never will.

      • Blubber Balloons
        July 10, 2019 at 7:59 am

        Exactly. I don’t want fat girl titties either. They are gross and get stretch marks from the armpits to them. Its just pig utters at that point.

    • R
      July 10, 2019 at 12:56 pm

      Shit so true dcf will be collecting lexis second child now xuz they already got the first one….. Victoria child wont be far behind maybe they can put them all in the same home so they know they relatives….

  • hank
    July 9, 2019 at 4:11 pm

    Why bother with a purse when you have two cavernous vaginas at your disposal? Either one of these pigs could’ve easily accommodated that bottle of Goose. Just put the bottle on the floor, pop a squat and boom, low tide martini’s coming up.

  • Sir Wilfred Death
    July 9, 2019 at 3:53 pm

    These are two of the grossest skanks ever. Before I would even consider it there would have to be a condom made of the same material and thickness of a Goodyear tire. Even then, an anti-microbial body suit and respirator or no deal. Followed by a full body sheep dip.

    Social Media is Cancer

    • Rochambeau
      July 9, 2019 at 7:32 pm

      I have to confess… I don’t know what a full-body sheep dip is. Maybe being lowered into a stall of lambs wouldn’t be horrible, I suppose. It sounds cozy if you like the smell of wool.

    • Ba Ba Black Sheep
      July 9, 2019 at 7:47 pm

      Sheep Dip:

      a liquid preparation for cleansing sheep of parasites.

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