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Normally I find P.K. Subban to be a vile, offensive, and loathsome creature. Don’t me get wrong, I would love nothing more than to see him in a Boston Bruins sweater. He’s a top five defensemen in the NHL. But he’s a Montreal Canadien so by definition he’s a diving dandy.

However, I can’t help but respect what he admitted to yesterday:

So silent. So deadly. First of all, this move is so Montreal it hurts. Those assholes will do anything to win. As much as I hate them for that, I have to tip my hat. This is basically how the Patriots built their empire – exploiting every rule imaginable and pushing the boundaries as far as they can go. The difference is that we’ve won a championship since George H.W. Bush was in office. If you’re gonna be little bitches like this, at least win once in a while.

But how much do you think P.K. Subban’s farts smell? He’s a big dude. And he intentionally loads up before games for the purpose of crop dusting his opponents. I’ve smelt some nasty farts before, but I’d put money on P.K. Subban’s being the nastiest.

Oh yea, and farting on the job is the number one sign that you have a good job. I’ve had jobs where you can’t fart. It’s literally hell. That’s also the number one reason I could never be a teacher or a judge. You can’t fart whenever you want. Imagine your math teacher trying to teach you how to do a bunch of shit you’ll never use in your life, when all of a sudden they just rip ass. You can’t imagine that because it could never happen.

But when I look back at those people who stood in front of me for so long, I realize that surely they had to fart because they are human beings. Surely they must’e had government school lunch once in a while. Those rib-a-ques run right through you. I swear to God they put laxatives in them so that you dumped out the Ebola as quickly as possible.

Meanwhile as a student I just let it fly whenever I felt like it. And it was always hilarious. Farts sound funny and they smell funny. It’s instant humor. And you couldn’t get in trouble for it either. Because what were you supposed to do? It’s a natural bodily function. Holding in farts is the most unhealthy thing you can do to yourself. I’ve held in farts before. It’s a non-stop mind fuck. Fucks up your whole dump cycle for the rest of the day too. That’s why being a stay-at-home blogger is such a dominant lifestyle. I rip ass when and where I want to, and I can work from the throne. Sure, Mrs. Turtleboy tells me how disgusting I am, but she says that about 90% of the things I do. However, Turtleboy Jr. thinks it’s hilarious. It’s all about the children.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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