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Laughed out loud while reading this story from the New York Daily News. 

A tiger bit into the hand of a drunken woman who had snuck into Omaha’s zoo to try and pet it early Sunday, police said. Jacqueline Eide, 33, was hospitalized with “severe trauma to her hand” after she and another person went to the Henry Doorly Zoo & Aquarium at around 4 a.m. the night after Halloween, according to the Omaha Police Department.

OK, in her defense, they are in Omaha. What else could there possibly be to do in Omaha on a Sunday? What is a local drunkard to do? Only a matter of time until someone got their fingers eaten by a tripod tiger.

She told police the tiger chomped on her left hand when she put it inside the big cat’s cage. Investigators cited Eide, who has a long criminal history, for trespassing, the Omaha World-Herald reported.

Well, Jacqueline Eide has done it. She is officially the winner of the Turtleboy Sports Darwin Award. There are no words that can explain why anyone would ever think it would be wise to stick their hand into a tiger cage. I’m honestly impressed that she’s lived to be 33. That’s the real miracle here. 

Zoo officials promised to install more lighting and cameras at the facility in a statement Sunday night. Social media users flooded its Facebook page with questions about what might become of Mai, the three-legged, 18-year-old tiger believed to have bit Eide.

Amen sister. 

The tiger lost its front left leg to a poacher’s trap in Southeast Asia before moving in 2003 to the Omaha zoo, where she also bit the zoo’s director of animal health while unconscious during a medical exam six years ago, according to the World-Herald.

Yea, if I lost my leg to poachers I’d probably be on a mission to kill every human being in sight too. 

Eide, on the other hand, may lose parts of her fingers, hospital officials told KETV. She has been convicted three times of driving under the influence and booked for other charges like graffiti, disturbing the peace, obstruction of justice and shoplifting, according to court papers cited by the TV station.

Of course she’s been charged with those things before. Why wouldn’t she? This is a woman who stuck her hand in a tiger cage. The real miracle here is that somehow she only “may” lose parts of her fingers. What kind of weak ass tiger can’t bite the fingers off an Omaha drunkard?

The Omaha Police Department announced her latest arrest in a Facebook post of its own Sunday afternoon. Omaha police wrote, “Just in case you had any doubt…If you pet a tiger you will most likely get bitten.”

LOL. Hilarious. 

Apparently Jackie Eide has gone downhill since her last arrest. Here’s her mugshot from a couple years ago:

don’t get me wrong, she’s nothing special, but that’s clearly an Omaha 8. Nice smile, nice eyes, not completely destroyed by life yet.

And then here’s her mugshot from this weekend:

And now she’s got no fingers and a long criminal rap sheet. Sounds like the resume of half the women I’ve met at the Blarney Stone. I don’t care, that woman is a vixen and probably a really good time. That right there is the face of a woman has not learned her lesson. Think she gives a shit that she just got her fingers taken off by a disabled tiger? Nope. She’ll be getting wasted next weekend and trying to ride a shark at the aquarium.

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