Muff Puff Goth Mall Cop Vows To Save The South Shore From Crazy Lady Himself – Says He’s Better Than Real Police Because He Isn’t As Limited By Red Tape As A Vagilante 

Go pee before you read this. I wet my pantaloons as soon as I found this total cop wannabe pussy. 

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Every once in a while I see some comments on our stories that just level me and leave me in stitches. I couldn’t stop laughing at this enormous queefweed on the Marie Samedy blog. I had actual laugh tears streaming down my cheeks. The best part is HE CAME TO US! I leeeerv silver platter idiots. 

I want you guys to meet Master Chief Sergeant Captain Chris Braz. He’s the 22 year-old hero we’ve been looking for. He’s the voice of a new generation of law enforcement. He’s the one that every actual member of our real police departments looks to for guidance. He can single-handedly rescue every child from the prying eyes of a woman who builds shrines out of used maxi pads. 

Basically, he’s the toughest fucking mall cop these-here parts have ever seen and you best recognize. FER-REALZ. He even got a gun, y’all! 

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! Citizens arrest! Citizens arrest! 


Oh fuck guys. He might be for real. You see that badge? That walkie? I guess you don’t have to be able to spell apprentice to work for free and be one. Just look at the bad assery of his pictures. Grimmsbane is his nickname because Blood Wolf Ass Kicker Dark Heart Badge Slayer must have been taken. (I’m guessing that was what he named his Dark Elf in Skyrim.)

He wasn’t done yet. He ain’t limited by the restraints like REAL COPS. 

I hate to tell him that he can’t be a Private Investigator in Mass being a mall cop. Let’s let him think it while we laugh at his existence! 

Basically, what he’s saying, is that he reads a whole bunch online, took a 100 hours of night classes at a community college, and anytime he walked in for a real job interview with real LE he was such an mega vag that they laughed him out of the office. I think the only time I wished this guy was there to protect me was if I was choking in the food court. It would be the most EXTREME throat-delodging anyone has ever seen. He’d probably has theme music he hits play to before ninja-rolling in to action. 

It’s probably a copy of his band’s demo. 

My Chemical Badgemance. 

Wait, someone had more experience than you? How is that even possible!? 

You know what this reminds me of? I know it’s a bit of a reach for an analogy but…. you guys remember the scene in Anchor man when Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd) is giving the whole speech about Sex Panther cologne? He’s giving it this huge sales pitch to Ron Burgundy with all these fake facts? He puts it on and he is telling himself it’s awesome, meanwhile everyone who smells it is barfing and screaming about how it smells like Big Foot’s dick? 


This kid says his career is Sex Panther. His actual real life career is a used diaper filled with used Indian food. 

Chris took to another comment on our page to announce that he, Captain Pussy Fart, was going to compose a CASE FILE to send to the ACTUAL fuzz. 

Can you imagine how thankful Brockton will be to receive his email? He, himself, is going to try and get her sectioned. He’s going to rid the streets of this blight. 

Yeah, he’s running background checks with his authority. Basically, he used Google. 

Look spunktrumpet, I would tell you to fuck off and let you know that the majority of cops in this state are HUGE fans of us. They read us religiously. LE all over the Commonwealth are going be sending this blog to each other and laughing themselves fucking stupid at what a moron you sound like. They’re going to remember your name when your applications comes in. They are going to call your Chief in Randolph and ask him what the hell he was thinking hiring such a squib for parade duty. Personally, knowing you just crapped all over your own future prospects being fake cocky makes me feel better. Anyone with such a little emo dick complex, such as you have, needs not a badge – but a job serving fries, you wankhammer. 

Please, for all that is holy, someone message me about what this kid was like in high school. The stories must be AMAZING. 

35 Comment(s)
  • Alma
    August 21, 2017 at 8:38 am

    “LE all over the Commonwealth are going be sending this blog to each other and laughing themselves fucking stupid at what a moron you sound like”
    Wow South Shore Turtlegirl, you are worse than Michelle Carter, the chick who caused the suicide with cyberbullying. You are a disgusting human being. I feel bad for your children who will be raised to be cruel bullies.
    I may still read TBS, but much less than I used to, and I will NEVER click on an article by South Shore Turtlegirl ever again.

  • Cap'n Mike
    August 20, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    He sounds like he may be special needs.
    He is somebody’s son or brother.
    Leave the kid alone.

  • Second city cop
    August 20, 2017 at 8:08 am

    Fuck this guy, delusional people shouldn’t become cops fellas. You’ll be picking him up for fucking a 14 yr old girl any day now. I really worry about your judgment in law enforcement if you think a tool like this deserves to be a po

  • CJT
    August 20, 2017 at 2:04 am

    Sorry TBS but this article sucks. I’m a big fan but this one really needs to be corrected. This kid has done nothing wrong and only means good. He loves his job! What’s wrong with that? Sure, maybe he’s a little overzealous but he’s a kid. So he feels he has a little power cause of his job and training. He’ll grow out of that. I think it’s great that he cares enough to go out of his way to help. Not too many kids do that today. C’mon on TB. Take this article down. You swung at the wrong pitch and struck out. No big deal but do what’s right. This is a good kid who don’t deserve to be treated like the rest of the losers you post about.

    *Chris if you read this keep up the good work my friend. I’m glad you take pride in what you do and that you love your job. It’ll make work that much easier. If being a cop is your dream keep shooting for it. You’ll get there and I’m sure you’ll make an excellent cop. Keep your head up bro and disregard this article!!!!

    • Itsjustme
      August 20, 2017 at 4:11 am

      I usually love the articles here but I agree, and so does the majority (even the comments on fb.) SSTG used to be my favorite but I’m really disappointed in this article. For a blog that prides itself on being “real news” and claims to not be “bullies” this article goes against both of those things. To me he seems like a 22 kid who is proud of his accomplishments, and seems to have his heart in the right place. He doesn’t belong on this blog filled with welfare cheats, drug dealers, criminals, loser parents, racist scum, I could go on and on.) I think with the right training any police force would be lucky to have him.
      I work in a high security federal building and all of our security guards have firearms. If I had to guess the youngest  is probably in his late 40s. So to me the fact he already has the requirements to work a security detail armed at only 22 speaks volumes.
      Chris I hope you’re not listening to the negative comments but getting strength from all the positive ones.

      TBS it is on you to fix this.

  • No Turtle Love 4 U
    August 19, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    The Way of the Turtle

    When one wants to do good they present themselves as they are at the time. Looking back, I was often a goof at that age, but my intentions were noble.

    Not everyone has had the opportunity to have been raised to be a cynical turtle right out of the box. It takes years to be that cool. You start by putting down the marginalized. Then you work way up to the emerging marginalized.

    The key is to start off with the easier targets.

    To become a Turtle Master is obviously not as simple as one would think. You must learn from your turtle mistakes and rise above it. Because the goal is to someday poke your head from your shell, so everyone can have a good unblinking look at you 🙂

    The true Turtle Master is able to finally come out of its shell, revealing herself in all her glory.

  • Joseph
    August 19, 2017 at 2:44 am

    I personally would love to see this kid get the right advice/coaching and succeed in his dream to serve in law enforcement.

    TBS this is on you to correct this.

    Real cops have heart and the ones who would make fun of this kid are the real losers.

    • Alma
      August 19, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      Well put Joseph. Everybody gets it wrong sometimes, even Turtleboy. We would have great respect if he admitted he was wrong on this one and took it down. This made me so sad.

      • Alma
        August 19, 2017 at 1:42 pm

        I actually logged on today to check, hoping it was taken down.

  • Haystack
    August 19, 2017 at 2:31 am

    The kid’s an enthusiastic dreamer… Nothing wrong with that… he’ll grow up… and with the right coaching, haircut and maybe some pushups, he’d make a fine cop. It’s what’s in the heart that matters.

    Good luck kid!

  • August 18, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    This nud would be relegated to K9 poop patrol if in NYS. For obvious reasons, in NYS or NYC, the police don’t take too kindly to such fakes. He’d be treated like yesterday’s scraper maggot.

  • MrSmiley
    August 18, 2017 at 4:28 pm

    I thought it was funny. Whackerism is dangerous. This kid thinks he has some kind of authority when he has none at all.. Dream job? I’ve got news for you. You don’t want someone like this to get a real badge…. His toyota probably lights up like a xmas tree already. Remember kids. Friends don’t let friends become whackers.

    • MrSmiley
      August 18, 2017 at 4:36 pm

      The guy in Worcester who grabbed the bk drive up girl’s teet was a hardcore whacker too. Granted a bit older. But still, I think the kid needs to learn how to carry himself at the minimum.

  • Long Arm of the Law
    August 18, 2017 at 4:27 pm

    This article doesn’t hit me the same that most do.

    No matter how much of a “whacker” this guy is (term used in LE community to describe his type), he means well. Maybe he really wants to be a hero and just hasn’t been given a chance yet. Could have some maturing to do (and sometimes even cops still have maturing to do even after they’re on the job).

    His future in the field has officially been compromised as of you writing this article. Arguably he did it to himself, and any department that reviews social media could find the same. But you really slammed him. Why not show some mercy?

    As some have pointed out he isn’t your typical EBT-dealing, child abusing, Newpie ripping, sweatpants wearing fupasloth. Isn’t that worth something?

  • wow, how unnecessary
    August 18, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    I thought TBS was out to expose criminals, child abusers, SJWs, etc., not to destroy some poor kid who has done nothing criminal. This article is senselessly malicious, and not even funny. Makes me not want to ride the turtle, because I guess the turtle can be the school yard bully it claims to despise. I am so disappointed.

  • ..........
    August 18, 2017 at 8:32 am


  • wow
    August 17, 2017 at 11:55 pm

    yeah this kid is definitely a fucking tool but you sound way too happy that you just ruined his entire chance at his obviously dream career. you guys take some shit too far.

  • phong
    August 17, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    Looks like someone’s getting called into the office…

    • Matt Owens
      August 20, 2017 at 9:52 am

      If he can play sane for a day he’s a dream candidate to work at Memphis Wolfchase Mall. (Plenty of rachets he can take out on site & here he’d be a hero. Ya’all don’t need this rogue but Memphis I’ll be happy to get him hired on at the mall down here.

      His actions will be praised highly.

      How much of a hard bargain do I have to drive to recieve him?

  • So, autism. What's your excuse?
    August 17, 2017 at 10:49 pm

    Another mean spirited, insipid article from SSTG. You must have been one of those girls that peaked in high school, and still need to pick on the harmless and defenseless weird kids to make yourself feel better about yourself. Crack.

    • Matt Owens
      August 20, 2017 at 9:42 am

      People like him. Make me want to channel my old teenage rachet self (sagging pants rachetese ghetto accent & all)
      Showing him a sterotype of myself.

      He doesn’t deserve to see the real me I don’t have to show him a whiff of intelligence ambition etc.

      He can see me triggered. Back in school kids triggered me for my condition I pushed back into them with my wild undying love for my rap religion. Got more hated towards me organized a clique quicky shut up tards like tard up there. But hey that’s a past life.

      I’d ratcher prove to myself I’m a bad ass autistic in the field I want to get into & can do it better than someone born without it.

  • Cooper
    August 17, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    All I can say is this kid played way to much cops and robbers growing up. Guy should try out for Peter Pan or something. He’s living in a fairy tale. Wanna be cop. Please go see your doctor and get back on those meds before you get hurt or hurt someone.

  • Itsjustme
    August 17, 2017 at 10:10 pm

    Well at least he has a job, when is the last time you wrote about someone that had one of those?

  • Tard Hunter
    August 17, 2017 at 8:54 pm

    I can smell the autism through my phone screen.

    • So, autism. What's your excuse?
      August 17, 2017 at 10:34 pm

      Why so jealous of this kid?

      You should take that phone and shove it back up your ass to take a selfie of the real tard.

      • Obama causes Autism
        August 18, 2017 at 10:08 am

        ^Triggered. What a homo

  • Mongo Shepard
    August 17, 2017 at 8:09 pm

    This nut bag will probably really end up shooting someone one day though thinking that he’s acting heroic. Someone should send the police a case file on him, and that hair cut and glove combo is more than enough evidence to lock him up.

  • Stunt Penis
    August 17, 2017 at 7:47 pm

    He looks “gender fluid” in a lot of those photos.

    Given the recent trend to being “trans”-friendly in their hiring process, he/she actually probably has a pretty decent chance of landing a gig as a real LEO.

  • johnnyb
    August 17, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    “Vagilante” Justice…What a Douche….

  • Isn't he cute.
    August 17, 2017 at 7:20 pm

    Oh, just play along with the kid, Turtleboy! You went too hard on the kid considering he seems to mean well. The hair is the real crime to be discussed here.

    • Alma
      August 18, 2017 at 8:53 am

      Agreed. Unless I missed something in this article, I can’t see how he’s doing any harm. Can’t we focus on real criminals? I feel bad just for reading this 🙁

      • Itsjustme
        August 18, 2017 at 11:02 am

        Agreed, sounds like a 22 year old kid that is proud of himself. He shouldn’t be here among all these hoodrats and loses they write about.

  • lolwhut
    August 17, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    I predict: she’ll be shitting him out next.
    LOL, what a douchecanoe.

    • lolwhut
      August 17, 2017 at 6:56 pm

      P.S. died laughing at “vagilante”

  • They call me Ponch
    August 17, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    ” I was with the Green Berets, Special Unit Battalion….

    Commando Airborne Tactics……..Specialist Tactics Unit Battalion.

    Yeah, it was real hush, hush.

    I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, that was me!”

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