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Check out the latest ratchetry out of the bucket:

Well, there he is folks – the first guy from Pawtucket to ever use a condom. Apparently he didn’t hear the news that Backpage got shut down though. Either that or this guy just did the Tide Pod challenge and is moving on to snorting cock socks.

This is the most bizarre crime I’ve ever seen. The fact that this man right here plans on having $338 worth of safe sex before those pickle mitten’s go bad:

Is amazing. If that guy can get laid, anyone can get laid. And if he’s planning on using the beaver skins with any woman from Pawtucket, it’s a smart move on his part. Because crabs ranpoon is always on the menu in the bucket.

On the one hand he’s a thief, so I’m glad he’s actually being responsible and trying not to reproduce. On the other hand, wouldn’t it be a good thing he was planning on handing these out to some of the sea skags roaming the streets of Pawtucket? What if he gave them to two of our Turtleboy famous Pawtucket legends – Twat McStuffins and the Pawtucket Xany Bunny?

Dude is just trying to make the world a better place so these ratchets stop firing out fuck trophies out of their baby cannons by handing them cream catchers. Free muh boi!

If he’s actually planning on using these, then someone seriously tell this guy about the sweet, glorious phenomenon commonly known as “raw dog.” I’ve never met someone who goes raw dog and the goes back to the ol’ banana burqa. You see it the other way around a lot because you don’t know what you’re missing out on. But this? This makes no sense at all. Especially since he could’ve just walked into a Planned Parenthood and they’d throw a box at him for free AND give him a coupon for 10% off on his next abortion.

The bottom line is if this guy was planning on giving these Pawtucket junkbunnies and it can prevent just one of them from reproducing, then the man is a God damn hero. If he’s planning on using them then I’m mildly impressed, but he has no idea what he’s missing out on.