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If you think things get ratchet on the Cape during the summer, it gets even worse during the winter when all that’s left over are the locals like this poop goblin.
Pro tip #1 – if you’re gonna rob a Chick-Fil-A drive through on a major throughway in the biggest town in the Cape, make sure you bring a car with you. Makes it easier to get at least 50 feet from the place you unsuccessfully tried to rob before getting arrested.
Pro tip #2 – if you’re gonna rob a Chick-Fil-A without a mask on, make sure it’s not the one you used to work at.
Pro tip #3 – if you’re gonna rob a Chick-Fil-A, make sure your parents don’t own the Chick-Fil-A.
That is the most Barnstable thing I’ve ever heard.
Look, Raggedy Narcan obviously has a drug problem. He was highlighted as part of the “Fresh Start Church” when he was 16 years old and already was hooked on pills. He claimed that “since he gave his life to Jesus his life has dramatically changed,” and that he has an “open relationship with Jesus.”
Because the Fresh Start Church introduced him to an “open relationship with Jesus,” which meant that instead of Christ telling him to love everyone and give his money to the poor, he told mother fuckers to rob Chick-Fil-A because Diego got that new batch of blue magic, and that shit is the bomb!!
Seriously, this is the church he went to to be “saved”:
If the church you’re going to contains the word, “fresh” in it, you’re probably gonna rob your parents Chick-Fil-A within the next five years. That’s just science. By the looks of its website it seems to be a place for junkie white kids to get brainwashed by a hipster and his “can I speak to your manager” wife, both of who are “pastors.”
Watch this video to see what goes on at the Fresh Prince Church (especially at the 10:00 mark):
Those girls in the back just scream, “I’m here for the for the free pills.”
Piece of advice – if your church’s pastor is a denham clad tub of Velveeta in skinny jeans who walks through the aisles, blessing women who then collapse on the floor
Or if there’s an old guy who looks like he took a wrong left turn on his way to the Motley Crew concert, trying desperately to get a blessing by jumping in front of the runaway blob of Velveeta
Or if all the preteen alter girls on stage look like runaways constantly going through an exorcism because they all clearly have Daddy issues
Or if another guy in denham who aims to be the fat guy in denham one day so he can bang all the runaways has to go through an initiation on stage where he pretends to have Jesus course through his veins instead of heroin
Or if any of the parishioners are wearing flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats with the stickers still on them
Or if the lady in the front row has no shoes, ripped jeans, a cutoff t-shirt, and looks like she was Bon Jovi’s passaround on tour in Toledo in the late 80’s
…then you’re not really at a church; you’re at a cult. It looks a lot like the Church of End Times with less steroids and butt sex.
This is why this kid is still on drugs, and why he’s now Turtleboy famous. Because he went looking for Jesus and found Denham Velveeta in skinny jeans. On the bright side, becoming Turtleboy famous is usually the best thing that ever happens to junkies. We scare people straight and get messages from former addicts all the time that the fear of being on Turtleboy kept them clean, or that appearing on Turtleboy was the rock bottom they needed to get their shit together.