All-Star Criminals

Raggedy Narcan Tries To Rob His Parent’s Chick-Fil-A In Barnstable With Knife After Joining Cult Church For Junkie Teen Runaways Led By Pastor Denham Velveeta In Skinny Jeans

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If you think things get ratchet on the Cape during the summer, it gets even worse during the winter when all that’s left over are the locals like this poop goblin.


Pro tip #1 – if you’re gonna rob a Chick-Fil-A drive through on a major throughway in the biggest town in the Cape, make sure you bring a car with you. Makes it easier to get at least 50 feet from the place you unsuccessfully tried to rob before getting arrested.

Pro tip #2 – if you’re gonna rob a Chick-Fil-A without a mask on, make sure it’s not the one you used to work at.

Pro tip #3 – if you’re gonna rob a Chick-Fil-A, make sure your parents don’t own the Chick-Fil-A.

That is the most Barnstable thing I’ve ever heard.

Look, Raggedy Narcan obviously has a drug problem. He was highlighted as part of the “Fresh Start Church” when he was 16 years old and already was hooked on pills. He claimed that “since he gave his life to Jesus his life has dramatically changed,” and that he has an “open relationship with Jesus.”

Cole Reissner from Fresh Start Church on Vimeo.

Because the Fresh Start Church introduced him to an “open relationship with Jesus,” which meant that instead of Christ telling him to love everyone and give his money to the poor, he told mother fuckers to rob Chick-Fil-A because Diego got that new batch of blue magic, and that shit is the bomb!!

Seriously, this is the church he went to to be “saved”:

If the church you’re going to contains the word, “fresh” in it, you’re probably gonna rob your parents Chick-Fil-A within the next five years. That’s just science. By the looks of its website it seems to be a place for junkie white kids to get brainwashed by a hipster and his “can I speak to your manager” wife, both of who are “pastors.”

Watch this video to see what goes on at the Fresh Prince Church (especially at the 10:00 mark):

Those girls in the back just scream, “I’m here for the for the free pills.”

Piece of advice – if your church’s pastor is a denham clad tub of Velveeta in skinny jeans who walks through the aisles, blessing women who then collapse on the floor

Or if there’s an old guy who looks like he took a wrong left turn on his way to the Motley Crew concert, trying desperately to get a blessing by jumping in front of the runaway blob of Velveeta

Or if all the preteen alter girls on stage look like runaways constantly going through an exorcism because they all clearly have Daddy issues

Or if another guy in denham who aims to be the fat guy in denham one day so he can bang all the runaways has to go through an initiation on stage where he pretends to have Jesus course through his veins instead of heroin

Or if any of the parishioners are wearing flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats with the stickers still on them

Or if the lady in the front row has no shoes, ripped jeans, a cutoff t-shirt, and looks like she was Bon Jovi’s passaround on tour in Toledo in the late 80’s

…then you’re not really at a church; you’re at a cult. It looks a lot like the Church of End Times with less steroids and butt sex.

This is why this kid is still on drugs, and why he’s now Turtleboy famous. Because he went looking for Jesus and found Denham Velveeta in skinny jeans. On the bright side, becoming Turtleboy famous is usually the best thing that ever happens to junkies. We scare people straight and get messages from former addicts all the time that the fear of being on Turtleboy kept them clean, or that appearing on Turtleboy was the rock bottom they needed to get their shit together.

26 Comment(s)
  • Cape Crud Redux
    November 20, 2018 at 12:58 am

    Why focus on Hyannis?
    So much of Barnstable County qualifies as a shithole, especially during the off season.
    I know S. Yarmouth and Yarmouth proper are both jewels in the crown of King Shit of Doperstan, right along with lovely Hyannis.
    Sure would be a tragedy if the bridges fell. Just make sure to block the tunnels to seal the deal.

  • Turd Ferguson
    November 18, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    Hyannis is the worst shit hole in the state because of the losers on the town council. What do people expect?

    • Washashore
      November 19, 2018 at 10:14 am

      Exactomundo. There are a dozen “social services” offices on main street Hyanus, they draw losers like shit draws flies. Efforts to relocate the agencies off main street have been rejected by town council. I live on the Cape and refuse to visit downtown Hyanus. A fucking dewer of humanity…

  • NPCindy
    November 18, 2018 at 11:57 am

    Looks like their filming an episode of Entitled Kids Incorporated. K-I-D-S!

  • William Lee Drumstick
    November 18, 2018 at 9:18 am

    I wish this kid luck, and don’t give a shit what he uses to get clean, whether it’s the 12-step tango or some form of hoodoo. Hyannis sucks at the best of times, its inhabitants are like human anchors, dragging down all in sight. At least it appears the kid has given some honest thought to his life, and as anyone who has kicked knows, you’d rather cut your arm off in the first hours than continue getting clean. i reckon he was at that point of junksick horror when he tried to grab some greasy cash. People love to judge addicts here; it makes us feel better about ourselves while it feeds their low self-esteem, thanks a bunch. It wasn’t hard enough for this kid, try remembering who you were at that age and some of the great decisions you made.

  • Mr. Nuttasit Keawcham
    November 17, 2018 at 8:42 pm

    Denham? You’re supposed to be a journalist of some sort, use a spell checker for fuck’s sake.

  • Yuck
    November 17, 2018 at 8:04 pm

    Oh, for fuck’s sake, have a fucking rat gnaw that thing off your damn lip!

  • Weezy and Lionel
    November 17, 2018 at 7:53 pm

    Does that thing over his lip have its own brain? Drugs are his only salvation. No woman would ever get close to those lips. Fuckin guys going thru life with 3 strikes against him.

  • Captain Trips
    November 17, 2018 at 5:23 pm

    Did I get multiple thumbs down on this post?


    OK – I’ll repost it then

    Druggies should quit or die! Period. Signed, an ex-druggie – And I never robbed anyone! When I got to that point, I quit. Cold turkey! What’s your excuse?

    ‘Ahh I see. His rich parents didn’t want to share the wealth with their son the never-do-well druggie and probably voted for Trump so he figured he ‘earned’ the money he was trying to steal.
    I see.
    Beats working to open your own franchise. Of course, that’s hard to do when you do drugs, sleep till 2 PM, and have a big mole on your upper lip.’
    I get it.

  • Reverend Cleophus
    November 17, 2018 at 12:34 pm

    Is it a pretty safe assumption nowadays that if you live on the Cape and you’re not a retiree you’re probably selling and/or whacked out on some illegal substance?

    That Reverend has all the earmarks of a Jim Jones, David Koresh and other cultists, except he talked like Eminem and needed to drop about 50 pounds.

    • Captain Trips
      November 17, 2018 at 5:32 pm

      I lived on the Cape in the late 70’s. I was a lifeguard. It was a cool place to be!

      Fast forward a million years – I took my wife to Main St Hyannis this last summer after all of those years, saying ‘This place is cool!’

      Wow, did I eat shit!

      All of the cool stores are gone. Junkies hitting me up for smokes and change. Public toilets with dopers making deals. Nothing left but half assed shit-stores selling, well, shit.

      Hope AND Change is right! I couldn’t believe what I saw! Thank you welfare system and the Dems ‘War on Poverty’! I see it was a success!

      Write another formerly awesome place to go off of my list.

      Welfare works. Thanks…..assholes!

      • Captain Trips
        November 17, 2018 at 6:12 pm

        i was surprised Baxter’s Fish and Chips was still open. Do they take EBT now?

        Unbelievable change.

      • Washashore
        November 18, 2018 at 3:31 pm

        Thanks for your honest review Cap’t. Whatever you do DO NOT gp on trip advisor and trash Main St. Hyannis. The city council and town manager place great weight on TA reviews. One of mine even made a televised meeeting (visit at your own risk).

  • Whinycunt
    November 17, 2018 at 10:17 am

    The word is DENIM. Ian’s why are they all wearing it ?
    If that’s the sign of their church I am finding my cool vintage DENIM jacket and burning it. Just like the gypsys ruined rhinestones for me now this. Lmao.

  • Head North
    November 17, 2018 at 8:15 am

    My son had a hockey game in the “community center” there last year. We had to drive 2 hours to enter a workd of winter cape cod ratchet madness. They have a TV in the lobby scrolling the local sex offender registry. I watched for quite a while and didn’t get to the end. If the cape broke off at the canal and fall into the sea would anyone but the summer snobs and the gay community hear a sound?

    • Junkie Apocalypse
      November 17, 2018 at 2:43 pm

      The junkies would turn the resulting island into a real life “28 Days Later”.

  • AreYouGonnaEatThat
    November 17, 2018 at 12:06 am

    I feel bad for the parents. You don’t really own a chic-fil-a franchise. The parents must bust their ass for it. It takes more hard work than cash. If corporate likes you, they let you operate, ie mange, one location, on a profit sharing basis. I heard you kinda have to be a Jesus freak to get in the operator program..

  • Cape Crud
    November 17, 2018 at 12:04 am

    Pastor Paul sucked Cape cock for rock before getting clean, yup.
    Now he gets into sweaty wrestling addiction therapy with the wayward male youth as Pastor Kim looks on, twiddling her taco and furiously rubbing the bean.
    I’ve been to that particular Chik-Fil-A. Only one ever. The guy who appeared to be the owner was very nice when I came in to order and told him it was my first visit to one of those establishments. The sandwich and those waffle fries were basically meh. Could’ve been a bigger piece of chicken in the thing, IMHO.
    Not a big fan of the Cape. If it was wiped off the map, it wouldn’t be missed.
    Dysfunctional, drug infested shitshow with plenty of level 3 sex offenders really seal the deal, making it one of the worst areas in the northeast. Truly fukt.

    • Dick LaBone
      November 17, 2018 at 2:32 am

      Not to mention the Town of Barnstable was recently annointed with being on the top 100 most dangerous places in the country…

  • The Vorlon
    November 16, 2018 at 9:52 pm

    “Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.”

    “Intermission: Excerpts from the Notebooks of Lazarus Long”, Robert A. Heinlein

    The grandmaster got it right in one…

  • Fascism NOW
    November 16, 2018 at 8:51 pm

    Educate that fuck with fists until he bleeds from every hole in his head. Beat addicts until they’re afraid to go out in public. When some Antifa cocksucker destroys a storefront, knock him out, open his wallet, check his license, and drag him by his hair to the address listed, grab him under the bicep and squeeze the fuck out of it and force him to open the door, and tell the occupants to freeze and show hands, and order them to cough up the money to fix what the fucker destroyed or you start pulling extremities off their semi-conscious roommate, starting with his little finger.

    • Samuel Motherfuckingly Jackson
      November 17, 2018 at 12:53 am

      Tell the truth.
      You fap to Pulp Fiction, don’t you?

  • Judge dread
    November 16, 2018 at 7:21 pm

    I actually had an ephimampy earlier today thinking “we might be good for the next 10 years”. This shattered it. It has nothing to do with TBS but everything to do with scumbags like this.

    The judge says give him the duct taped phone book treatment for ruining what I thought was a glorious moment in my mind.

    • SayWhat?
      November 16, 2018 at 9:10 pm


      Say what?

      • Grammar police watch
        November 17, 2018 at 1:35 am

        It’s called an on screen keyboard, auto correct, and an iPhone. You know what I meant. Take ur English degree from Fitchburg state and shove it up ur ass u grammar policing fuck.

  • Captain Trips
    November 16, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    Ahh I see. His rich parents didn’t want to share the wealth with their son the never-do-well druggie and probably voted for Trump so he figured he ‘earned’ the money he was trying to steal.
    I see.
    Beats working to open your own franchise. Of course, that’s hard to do when you do drugs, sleep till 2 PM, and have a big mole on your upper lip.
    I get it.

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