Rare Breed Of Pajama Clad Foodstampotamus Spotted In New Bedford Yelling “Free My Son N Word” As Career Criminal Gets Arrested For Selling Drugs With Toy Guns
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We saw this story on the New Bedford Guide. And the video you are about to see from the steaming pile of seacoast crap known as “New Bedford” is perhaps the most ratchet thing we have ever put on Turtleboy Sports:
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
Apparently the New Bedford Police Department’s Narcotics Division busted this winner on Coffin Avenue named Rafeal Vega (20). They found 21 grams of crack cocaine, 17 grams of fentanyl, distribution materials, and $287 cash (Ball-ahhhhh). All that money will go real well with his toy air guns. Shockingly Vega was arrested five years ago (when he was either 15 or 16) for drug distribution, and was convicted.
Nevertheless, free my boi!!!
And she’s even wearing Champion brand clothing. Do you understand where you have to go to find Champion brand clothing? I see someone’s been taking some upscale shopping trip to the The Salvation Army and the Goodwill Store.
If I’m the mayor of New Bedford, I’m capitalizing on this by turning this particular apartment into a tourist destination. You can easily turn these gravy dumpseters into an urban safari. Have out of towners pay money to get on a bulletproof bus and just ride around New Bedford observing the wildlife. This right here is the extremely rare “Foodstampotamus”:
Its chances at survival are minimal, due to a plethora of factors. These include but are not limited to:
- Non-existent hygiene
- Moral bankruptcy
- A lack of fucks to give about anything, including paying bills and obeying the law
- An irrational fear of the dentist
- Sexually transmitted diseases that have grown their own sexually transmitted diseases
- An inability to adapt to changing weather patterns due to an obsession with wearing pajama pants, even when it’s below freezing out
- Starvation, due to trading in food stamps for half value on Facebook for crack money
- A likeliness to be stabbed by their John’s after spending their client’s money on Newport Lights, heroin, and broken dreams
- An inability to spell words such as “G-E-D”
Then there is the matriarch:
In her natural element you will often hear her yell things such as “he din du nuffin,” or in the case of this particular foodstampotamus, “free my son nigga, because he’s fucking innocent.” This despite the fact that her career criminal son was just caught on camera with copious amounts of drugs.
Since her son is 20 years old, it is safe to assume that this mother of the year candidate was born somewhere around 1981. More than likely she was disturbed by the fact that her son, who is clearly her dealer of choice, will be gone for a little bit. And thus she will have to purchase Diego’s overpriced product from around the block.
She realizes at this point that she cannot afford Diego’s product since he no longer accepts EBT. Thus the only way she will be able to get her next fix will be to also accept a complimentary Diego protein milkshake with her purchase.
Additionally, these creatures often do not understand that actions have consequences, and since they are unable to pass the third grade MCAS, they are completely unfamiliar with the concept of “gravity.”
However, despite the odds against these magnificent creatures they are still thriving and shouting “free my boi” in record numbers today. This is largely due to social policies coming out of Boston that have created a welfare state where even Darwin’s misfits seem to be able to land in the record-sized safety net they have created. For instance, had this foodstampotamus fallen out of this window, taxpayer subsidized Masshealth would have stitched her up and gotten her back in her section 8 rent-controlled ratchet den. Additionally, this particular breed of animal is known to reproduce at astounding rates, thus ensuring their long term survival.
I’d pay good money to go on that urban safari. Just sayin. We’re stuck with these people, because luckily they’re not (gasp) undocumented maids cleaning your hotel room. So we might as well try to find a way to monetize them, instead of just throwing taxpayer money at them and hoping in vain that they will use it for social mobility. Because we all know that ain’t gonna happen any time soon.
Anyway, we’d love to know who these people are. Especially if they have Facebook. Screenshots people. We need em. This is like South Shore Turtlegirl’s wet dream.
P.S. The commentary on the New Bedford Guide’s Facebook page is amazing:
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