Voting has concluded in the Fupasloth region for Ratchet Madness and there were a couple surprises, but the big dogs advanced:
Sometimes you people disappoint me. How does Hurricane Beefaroni get eliminated before the Sweet 16? That is a travesty. And I’m surprised the War-wack Queefhog Leprechaun is doneski as well, even though she was the lower seed.
Time to move onto the Cheesehog region.
As usual, we will provide for you links to blogs on each ratchet, as long as their ratchet resume, and you vote for who you think should advance after each case has been made. You have 24 hours to vote.
1. Maude the Fraud vs. 9. Hyannis Hog Gobbler
- Lied about being raped as a 13 year old in order to win a beauty contest
- Lied about having cancer in high school because she didn’t want to be one-upped by a sick girl who was getting more attention than her
- Got caught cheating in multiple ultra-marathons after posting about her victories on Instagram for likes
- Made national news when she pretended to be offended by a harmless #MeToo Dad joke at a pageant that she had already lost, throwing her sash in the trash in a dramatic look at me moment
- Pretended to be a student at Brown
- Made her grandmother’s death all about her
- Dropped out of high school and ended up going to bootleg online school where she was the commencement speaker for a graduation of 8 kids
- Pretended to be suicidal for attention multiple times, and even went to the Sagamore Bridge and took pictures pretending like she was contemplating jumping off
- Publicly crapped on the Yarmouth Police after Officer Sean Gannon was murdered
- Passed out behind the wheel of her car while going through a Dunkin drive through with crotch fruits in the backseat
- Crotch fruit told police that “Mommy tells us all the time to look out the window and close our eyes” when she’s using, and that Daddy has to drive a lot because Mommy’s always sick
- Openly buys half priced food stamps on Facebook
- Openly posts about how she likes one of her crotch fruits more than the other
- Bragged about completing court mandated DCF class about how to be a normal Mom
- Taught her kids how to be as bad as possible so that when they went to foster homes they’d be rejected and sent back to her
- Says her daughters “will call anyone Mom”
- Posted about blacking about after eating a Zanny bar and waking up covered in oatmeal and gum before going to the clinic for a routine checkup
- Kept her last name in court after getting divorced so her son could find her when he turned 18
- In love with a new sexy man who writes her love letters from prison in sentagraph form
4. Fitchburg Fupa Fungus vs. 5. Freetown Fap Weasel
- Decapitated a turtle for absolutely no reason and posted the video on social media
- Wears flat brimmed Bulls hats frequently
- Frequently threatens women with other women who will beat them up
- Messaged Deskie and said he was suing for deformation while also saying that there’s nothing wrong with him murdering a turtle on video
- Friend who filmed it attempted to justify killing the turtle by claiming they were selling it to a Chinese restaurant for soup
- Oldest looking 32 year old ever
- Claimed that New Bedford police were harassing her in Walgreen’s, likely because she was there to purchase drugs
- Posted on Facebook that the cops were “PIG NI***AS” and suggested via emoji that she would be shooting them
- Used the phrase “candy camera” to refer to herself filming them
- Does Facebook updates from the women’s shelter every time she breaks up with a new boyfriend
- Often has newest boyfriend photograph her getting ready to take it from behind
- Posted picture with thirsty boyfriend at the clinic
- Complained about the cops finding stolen bikes on her property which were confiscated
- Threatened to sue Uncle Turtleboy and alleged that his family is ugly
3. Juicin Jeremy vs. 11. Malden Muff Buffer
- Has a long and documented history of conning attractive women into dating him, despite being perpetually unemployed and broke
- Has been accused by multiple ex-girlfriends of domestic violence, including throwing a woman’s face into a suitcase because she said the wrong thing to him
- Got newest girlfriend Tanya Hall killed after starting beef with a biker gang at a bar in Manchester, including one armed individual who shot up his Jeep
- Got his Jeep from other girlfriend who Tanya didn’t know about who he was also conning
- Started GoFundMe for Tanya without family’s permission and gave them nothing in proceeds
- Wasn’t invited to Tanya’s wake or funeral
- Went on TV whining about how much he loved her with fakest crocodile tears ever
- Lied to other women about his relationship with Tanya, who was paying for everything and seemed to be into him
- Tried to get custody of Tanya’s son, who he is not related to, because he falsely claimed that the child thinks he’s Dad
- Has long history of bizarre sexual messages he send to random women
- Cried like a bitch after being arrested by the police for drug possession and driving without a license
- Attempted to defend his honor on our Facebook page before being arrested
- Put car for sale on Facebook marketplace after being arrested
- Interstate drug mule who went on TV and claimed to be the victim of homophobic hate crime
- Cops found out that she started the whole thing with a guy over nothing, threw a shot glass at him, and frequently assaults men because she kind of thinks she is one
- Turns out the woman she’s with was heterosexual and was punched in the fact as collateral damage trying to clean up the muff buffer’s mess
- Wouldn’t speak with police despite being victim of assault because that would require her to take breathalyzer and she’s on probation
- Once appeared on MTV’s Shot At Love
2. Medford Meth Maggots vs. 10. Fien Laqueefa
- Neglected daughter to the point where she was covered in urine and was malnourished before the daughter ended up being raised by grandma
- Had another baby who lives with the at the shelter on Meth Mile
- Well adjusted older crotch fruit is now living normal life, naturally they want her to live at the shelter with them so they can ruin all the progress she’s made
- Went on Dr. Phil thinking that they were stars, and were surprised to find out that they were the bad guys for wanting the kid back from her sister
- Documented and livestreamed ghetto performances before the Dr. Phil show, ordering room service smoothies, clearly showing that they thought they were stars for appearing on Dr. Phil
- Posted incessantly afterwards about Dr. Phil being a fraud for setting them up
- His long term plan is becoming a famous rapper, has hit videos of himself and his homie freestyling at mini-mart where hoodboogers buy blunts
- Bragged about toxicology reports showing that they only had methadone in their system, and believing this makes them clean
- Made hilarious rebuttal video to being on Turtleboy Sports
10. Fien Laqueefa
- Claims to run Roxbury’s most crime ridden housing project
- Films and harasses the police while doing their job
- Someone has a job working in the President’s Office at Roxbury Community College
- Doesn’t shave her pits and may be a dude
- Writes long, nonsensical hoodrat soliloquies on Facebook ending with the #Fuck12 hashtag
- Claims to be tight with Jesus
- Gave up custody of crotch fruit to grandma because she didn’t feel like raising him, and made a failed attempt to gain him back when he was a teenager but he wanted no part of her
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7 Comment(s)
I enjoy bashing ratchets as much as anyone who comments on this site. They make the world suck and would do us all a favor if they did a mass jump off a tall cliff.
TBS has a tendency to go after mentally ill people a bit too often. I’m sick of it. There is an endless supply of bona fide antisocial parasitic ratchets to chronicle. Go after them. Lay off people who are sick.
I voted for The Hyannis Hog Gobbler though I know it was like voting for Trump in Massachusetts. The only reason her opponent will win (maybe the whole thing) is because she’s hawt. It’s not right.
Gregg Bates and Bobbin’ For Boners for the championship round.
1) Gotta be Hyannis, aka Tiffany Tinkle on Him, this round. Said it last time: Maude’s a fraud but she’s only a cheat, but ol’ Tiff endangers the lives of the kidlets. Maude will NEVER be a legitimate winner at ANYTHING, and should just go away. Starting now.
2) Austin Shook his little penis, and has to advance based on animal cruelty, over Batty DaMoronVag, who’s an entertaining ratchet, but that’s about it.
3) Normally, Mich-bitch Hard-heart would be worthy, but, up against Juicin’ Jeremy, who left a path of wronged women culminating in a sad and needless death, she has no chance.
4) OMG, decisions, decisions, this is the hardest. Both teams are failures as parents. Both have barely grasped the written English language. Against my heart for the druggies with kids, I’ll have to go with Nene (silly Hawai’ian goose) Warren (a brood of rabbits, how appropriate), only because those pictures of “her” are so nauseating, I’m going to print them to use for target practice.
May the Ratchets advance!
Fien looks like Jaime Foxx from In Living Color (or whatever it was). But I do have a thing for chicks with hairy armpits..
Even Maude knows to not let Old Glory hit the ground (water).
I wanted to vote for Maude the Fraud, but I can just hear her saying in a singsong little girl voice “Look everyone, I even made it to #1 on Turtleboy!” I could have gone forever without seeing Fien Laqueefa, that dude/chick is so disgusting.
P. U. I can smell that disgusting mess, Fien Laqueefa, in that pic of her squatting on the bed in her underwear. Just imagine getting down with that dog? She would start peeling off the layers of clothes and bam, the odor hits. It’s like the old Irwin Allen disaster movies, in smellovision. Just gross.