I’ve been sifting through this mess intermittently all day, and I’m still not sure if I have it figured out. All I know is that this is either some sort of elaborate living performance art or the most magically glorious dumpsterfire-on-wheels I have ever laid eyes on. All I know is, if this is method acting, these two are more committed to the craft than Heath Ledger. And I love these two so very, very much.
I win. No argument is valid. Look at these specimens. Just. Look.
The guys from The Blues Traveler really let themselves go, and somehow got into softcore hobo porn.
not heating up cellular devices everywhere with smouldering come-hither stares from sexy Ben Franklin and his mullet-sheared temptress bride, Pat and Aniko are keeping busy living out of their garbage-piled late model Hyundai with two live dogs, which have apparently been doing since June 2017. But don’t get it twisted – they may be living in a garbage can on wheels with not even a dollar to their names, but they do have Fiddy Cent –
But this story isn’t about toothless John Goodman and his ill-nasty playlist,
although homeboy really does know how to get down like vagrant James Brown. Our story begins in June of 2017, when hobo Ron Jeremy and his gender ambiguous Yoko Ono get thrown after years of squatting on his parents’ beach house on the sundrenched paradise that is Rockaway Beach, NYC. Thus forcing them to relocate to hotel Hyundai, and for some reason unknown to everyone except them, their respective psychiatrists and possibly the dude that sells them LCD…Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
And that, my friends, is where the journey begins.
Perhaps it was the sweet, whispering song of New England’s least friendly coastline calling to them through the salty air. Perhaps it was a touch of nostalgia for days long since past, or perhaps it was the sore lacking of Trader Joe’s and Whole Food’s Markets in Myrtle Beach.
But one fateful day, our brave heroes were moved to start the first of many attempts to beg for cash to fund their epic quest back home, to Rockaway Beach, NYC with their two faithful companions, Donald and Melania Trump, aka, the poor creatures forced to sleep on piles of trash with them in a mid-sized sedan.
Although they really would have preferred an RV, guys.
Chapter 1: The Quest For Cash Money
It’s a rough start for our brave heroes as they attempt to make the pilgrimage from South Carolina to the sunny shores of New York City. They manage to make it to Raleigh, North Carolina, before peril strikes – they have no cash money. With little choice before them, they valiantly do the only thing they can – beg for it over social media.
They are soon blessed with the generous bounty of some dude named Rob,
Before, tragically and unexpectedly hitting another snag.
Which, shockingly, does not resolve itself in the two hours between status updates.
Oh, the humanity! Will these plucky travelers ever make it out of Raleigh alive? For the love of all things holy and good, paypal them some goddamn cash money!
Chapter 2: The Road Warrior
The Gods must have been smiling upon the beautiful faces of our fearless pilgrims, for they did indeed secure the funds necessary to begin to make it out of Raleigh alive. Or, maybe it was the social security check they posted about getting,
thus funding their adventures…..and also proving that they are in fact two real, live people. This is not a joke, I guess. Holy shit.
Either way, the road rose to meet them, and they were free to charge headfirst towards their destiny, located in the tranquil seaside destination that is Rockaway Beach, New York.
But….what’s this now? Trouble afoot?
The dashing young protagonist to this epic tail is suddenly assailed by a faceless road warrior, and narrowly escaped with his life!
A road warrior who just happened to be drunk….and black, but not in a racist way. Fortunately, the noble adventurers made it to the hospital a whole 3 days later, averting the crisis and keeping the journey alive.
Somebody send them some cash money, for fuck’s sake. It’s a war zone out there. And….maybe pray for Donald and Melania. This adventure seems to suck pretty hard for them. They can’t even get a motel room, not even with the promise of some really awesome videos of the hotel room.
Jesus, those poor animals.
Well, onward and upwards, you ragtag band of heroes – Rockaway Beach awaits!
Chapter 3: The Evil Sheriff Of…Hadley?
Somehow this misfit team of travelers managed to make it out of the Carolinas, and all the way to….Western Massachusetts?
And that’s where shit really hit the fan. Turns out they had $800 in unpaid parking tickets, which caused their registration to get revoked. In Massachusetts.
This isn’t going to end well. You’re in Massachusetts now, and they demand all your cash monies.
And so now, their trip to the slice-of-heaven on Earth that is Rockaway Beach, NY, has been stalled – in Springfield of all places.
But wait….there’s also a mummified dog corpse in the trunk of their late model Hyundai – and the corrupt police have kidnapped him!
Oh my God, now I am really worried about Donald and Melania. Someone save them. Seriously.
This saga has me on the edge of my seat. Will our Hero Bilbo Ballbags and his Fupamuppet bride raise the $2,000 they need to complete their long and perilous journey? Will Uber or Lyft give them a free ride? Will they be able to pay the crazy steep and growing storage fees?
Will they ever get to Rockaway Beach, New York? Or will they continue to blend in seamlessly in Springfield, until they reign supreme over all other homeless sludgepumps?
And, Jesus Christ and all things holy, will someone please do something about the dead dog in the trunk? And maybe send them some fucking CASH MONEY already?
All these questions will hopefully be answered, on the next episode of “As the Dumpsterfire Burns”!