Sports

This Belorussian Table Tennis Player Is The Biggest Pussy In The History Of The Olympics

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The Summer Olympics have been pretty exciting so far. America is dominating in the pool and women’s gymnastics is facializing the world. Turtleboy wouldn’t know because he has Directv and they’re in a pissing match with WHDH, so they’re not broadcasting NBC. When we contacted Directv they gave us a bunch of other channels they carry that do have the Olympics. The problem is that they’re sports/events that no one would ever normally watch. So we thought that since this is a sports blog we would document the daily Olympic experience for Directv customers like Turtleboy.

Today we watched ping-pong. Huge matchup between a German guy and a Belorussian. Little did we know that ping-pong is a very dangerous sport, and the Belorussian guy suffered a very serious injury – some sort of cramp:

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Very serious stuff. This man is a 40 year old who survived Chernobyl. Belorussians are a tough breed of people. They’ve survived Nazi occupation, fifty years of communism, and some of the harshest winters known to man. But the food in Rio was enough for this white Russian to tap out.

After this he had to go into the locker room for a prolonged period of time so the trainers could fix his…..cramp. Meanwhile the German guy waited anxiously on the court for the wounded warrior to return:

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The crowd was pretty anxious and rowdy, so they started to do the wave:

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From that point on viewers literally had to sit and watch as the ref blankly stared ahead and awaited the return of the Belorussian.

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MSNBC even gave us some closeups of the stopwatch, just so we could know he wasn’t texting:

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The drama. The tension. This is what the Olympics is all about.

It was unclear how long he would be gone or how soon he had to be back, since apparently in ping-pong you can just go to the locker room for as long as you feel like.

Finally they decided that this was just too much drama for the audience to handle so they cut away to some judo. Fifteen minutes later the Belorussian emerged from the locker room and they went back to ping-pong. And here’s the bullshit part – the Belorussian won. And not only did he win, he started pumping his fists as if we all didn’t notice that he tapped out because he was having menstrual cramps:

He is the LeBron James of ping-pong. Such bullshit. As exciting as table tennis is, it’s complete bullshit that they let these Nancy boys tap out in the middle of a fight, only to come back and win. Thanks for the amazing Olympic experience Directv!!! Can’t wait to see what we get to watch tomorrow!!!

P.S. The guy’s name is Vladimir Samsanov. That’s the most bad ass sounding Russian name we’ve ever heard. This guy has to be a complete disappointment for his poor old man.

 

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6 Comment(s)
  • November 29, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    That will help you know which websites to keep away from
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  • JoeD
    August 11, 2016 at 7:25 am

    I would think a blogger must have some tech savy. A streaming device, Apple TV is what, $69 now. You can watch all the bs feed from nbc,i.e. All swimming and gymnastics all the time Or you can watch live or delayed any event you want. Enter the new world time trapped turtleknob.

  • Wwy
    August 11, 2016 at 2:39 am

    I wish I read this sooner TB I’m in your shoes and saw the match and your right about this pussy I laughed my ass off.

  • Whiners suck
    August 10, 2016 at 6:50 am

    Wow. This is really begging for clicks. You couldn’t find anything better? Also, there’s like 6 channels broadcasting the Olympics. I haven’t watched WHDH once and I haven’t missed anything I’ve wanted to see. Whining all the time doesn’t help your cause.

  • z
    August 9, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Turtleboy once again showin he knows nothing about sports and more about turtle’s and boy’s. You got to start downsizing the company, the blog has been straight shit for a good 6 months now.

    • PG
      August 9, 2016 at 9:44 pm

      A blanket empty statement? Please, tell us more

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