All-Star Criminals

This Fall River Butt Bandit’s Mug Shot As He Clenches His Ass Around Six Grams Of Fentanyl Is The Laugh We All Needed Today

This Fall River Butt Bandit’s Mug Shot As He Clenches His Ass Around Six Grams Of Fentanyl Is The Laugh We All Needed Today

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This is Steven Whalley. You can tell he is from Fall River due to the thin strip of dried shit and pubes on his upper lip.

And the number of photos he has posed for with fupasloth Maverick 100 mavens wearing oversized t-shirts with no bra.

 

Those are his court cargo shorts.

You can also tell he’s from Fall River, because this happened in Taunton on Tuesday:

Via Taunton Gazette:

“A Fall River man who police say unsuccessfully tried hiding six grams of fentanyl and five oxycodone pills in his buttocks was busted Tuesday by a pair of Taunton undercover officers.

Steven Whalley, 32, last known address 104 E. Main St., is charged with two counts of possession to distribute a Class B substance, a subsequent offense; one count of possession to distribute a Class A substance; failing to stop for police; and a marked lanes violation.”

 

If this isn’t the fact of an asspirate struggling to do kegel exercises with his anus,

Then I’ll walk the plank. That is the face of instant regret and a quickly failing sphincter grip. And stuffing the stash up his shitter wasn’t even the stupidest part of his brilliant caper.

…”He said that Whalley, who is known to the Taunton Police Department, was spotted exiting a side door of the Extended Stay America.

Whalley, Skwarto said, made eye contact for “an extended period of time as we drove by.”

After checking the Taunton Holiday Inn, Skwarto said he saw Whalley in a 2018 Hyundai Tucson, driving at a high rate of speed, cut across three lanes of travel on Industrial Park Drive approaching Bay Street.

Other vehicles, Skwarto said, had to brake hard to avoid a collision.

After Skwarto activated the unmarked car’s blue lights and siren, Whalley pulled over in front of North Baptist Church, but not until he allegedly drove more than 300 yards at speeds of 10 mph to 15 mph.”

 

Smooth as Exlax. If you’re trying to play it cool and slip covertly by the police, it’s definitely the best course of action to stare then straight in the eye for several minutes beofre peeling out in your Hyundai and cutting off three lanes of traffic. Cool. As. Ice.

 

“Whalley, Skwarto said, claimed that he at first wasn’t convinced that the car behind him was a police vehicle, despite the lights and siren.

“I found this highly unlikely as we have had numerous encounters with Steven Whalley, including encounters utilizing the same police vehicle,” Skwarto wrote.

Skwarto said the other detective found 10 suboxone strips and a large sum of cash on the front passenger seat. Whalley allegedly admitted he didn’t have a prescription for the Class B drug.

During a pat frisk, Skwarto said he could “clearly feel an item clenched between the cheeks of (Whalley’s) buttocks.”

Skwarto said his suspicion that Whalley was trying to conceal a plastic baggie containing narcotics was later confirmed when Whalley was booked at the police station.

At that time, he said, an officer retrieved six baggies containing six grams of the powerful synthetic opioid fentanyl, as well as the five oxycodone prescription pain pills from his backside.”

 

You either have bricks of cow shit where your brain should be, or simply give zero fucks, to look a cop dead in the eyes and say, “Yep, I saw the lights, heard the siren, but how could I really know it was the cops?” Who did you think was pursuing you, a party bus blaring shitty EDM? I imagine he expressed his skepticism with this look on his face

And it just makes this that much more glorious. “I dunno, I heard some sex traffickers impersonate cops.”

There is a short list of towns on the South Coast that produce this level of crusty scum. Fall River is definitely the front runner, although he may have a summer couch in New Bedford and family in Taunton.

I’m honestly surprised he was this much of an amateur tucker. Between this face

And the fact that it looks like he’s no stranger to the title of prison wife

You think he’d have more muscle control over the browneye. Oh well, practice makes perfect, right?

 

14 Comment(s)
  • walking the beat on the thinnest blue line
    December 15, 2018 at 12:20 am

    Just another body for me to count.
    These maggots are job security.
    This kid will act all hard till some big bubba decides this sweet piece of candy should be a human lollipop. Then he’ll be yet another sulking little bitch making wise remarks to the CO’s to try and regain his lost manhood.
    Spoiler alert; Once you’ve been turned into a cum dumpster, nobody respects you. Not the screws, the cons, the nurses, nofuckinbody. You’re nothing but a mincing cock sheath that we have to “utilize universal precautions” with.

  • Swamp ass
    December 14, 2018 at 8:53 pm

    As someone who works manual labor for a living and sweats even in the winter, my ass is lubricated from sweat and ass juice. I get swamp ass daily. Stuffing drugs up my ass wouldn’t work because it would slide out. If I was a fag bottom, Alex Reimer would love me. Sure his dick would be covered in brown slimy goo but it wouldn’t be dry like the fall river but bandit!

  • Court Marie
    December 14, 2018 at 4:05 pm

    Fucking moron I was talking about the kid next to him rob that’s been a friend for many years and you can see Jenn ask if my fiance can watch our kids for me to go ..

    • Cunt Evaluator
      December 14, 2018 at 8:42 pm

      Next blog subject: Court Marie. “I don’t have to fill our (out) any forms first?” So, court or Marie, what do you have a warrant out for since you don’t want to fill out any forms? Whats the story with the phone and the ex? I haven’t examined your fb page yet but I’m sure its classic ratchetry!

    • WeAreFukd
      December 15, 2018 at 11:01 am

      CM you made your FB private? Too much to hide?

      Still engaged after 4 years? When does he get out so you can finally be together?

  • Peg Murchisonn
    December 14, 2018 at 10:32 am

    I’d love to peg him with all that stuff up his butt!!!

  • POS
    December 14, 2018 at 7:36 am

    The judge will let him walk. Death penalty for drug dealers!

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    December 14, 2018 at 7:07 am

    “Court Marie” – named after where she spends most of her time I’m sure

  • Exit 69
    December 14, 2018 at 6:41 am

    Lololol that face! Priceless! That’s the “I’m an assclown and my hemmoroids are starting to itch” face. I’m still laughing.

  • dball31211
    D
    December 14, 2018 at 2:51 am

    Priceless 

  • Any excuse to put something in his ass
    December 14, 2018 at 2:46 am

    To echo Vorlon it would have been poetic justice if his suppository stash was absorbed through his colon.

    You know that feeling when you got the runs and your guts are all cramping up, sitting on the toilet waiting for the next blast of shit spray. Sweat on your forehead, feels like you got kicked in the stomach.. but all you did was eat at Chipotle or ate something your cat-lady co-worker brought in to work… yeah, that’s the face.

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    December 14, 2018 at 2:35 am

    Too bad the baggie didn’t have a hole in it.

    Good thing I’m not a EMT–after all, it could take 45 minutes to find where in the truck I put the Narcan for safe keeping…

    How can we have Darwinian selection when we keep saving them?

  • z
    December 13, 2018 at 11:57 pm

    After reading that all I got is
    Christopher Walken, gooks and a watch.

    That has got to the most NOT Hardo mug shot in history. So bad of a mug shot that I feel sorry for him. If I was the cop taking the shot, I would have showed him it and would have offered to take another one.

  • Creepy Uncle Mike
    December 13, 2018 at 11:27 pm

    Dude’s got a loose poop hole. Hopefully he pulls a tarp out. Lemme at him.

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