Sports

Top 11 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Redskins

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How mad is the rest of the league at the Colts right now? They couldn’t just take their beating like men and walk away. Nope. They had to go and poke the bear. Consequently EVERYONE is getting lubed up violated by the greatest football force the NFL has ever seen. At no point in the Patriots 27-10 thrashing over the Redskins today did this even remotely resemble a competitive football game. As usual we saw some other chump team out there and we killed them and made their families watch. There has not been one single moment of one single game in which the outcome was not already widely known. At some point this season I hope someone challenges us. Maybe against the Broncos in a few weeks. Maybe? I dunno, I just don’t see it happening. All we need to do is make sure someone that’s not the Giants wins the NFC East this year. Maybe we should’ve let the Redskins win this game. #PatriotsFansProblems. 

Anyway, you know the Patriots aren’t doing this on their own. Here’s the 11 ways they cheated to beat the Redskins today…..

11. Patriots playing freeze tag. 

How else can you explain the how Chandler Jones literally just walked right by this fat bastard? Dude was frozen. Couldn’t move. Wonder how he got that way. Oh yea, Belichick tagged him out in freeze tag and by the time he got tagged back in the damage was done. #FreezeGate

 

10. Patriots tampering with Andrew Luck. 

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WTF? Andrew Luck going incognito at a Patriots game? No wonder the Colts won today – Andrew Luck was nowhere near Indianapolis. It would make perfect sense too. Belichick LOVES to illegally tamper with players so he brings Andrew Luck in, gets him some seats and some Pats gear, and has him observe Jimmy Garoppolo so he can learn how to carry around Tom Brady’s jock strap until Brady decides to retire in 2038. #LuckGate

 

9. Illegal reading of the eyes. 

John Lynch makes a good point – that was a well designed play by the Redskins right there. One that probably would’ve been completed against any other team that wasn’t cheating. But as he pointed out Logan Ryan was clearly reading Kirk Cousins’ eyes. It’s basically the same thing as SpyGate except worse. #ReadingGate

 

8. Redskins fans chained up. 

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“Hey, what should be pack for this road trip to New England? I’m gonna bring my bucket hat and wear my Cousins jersey inside out. Make sure to bring your gigantic yellow chain with you. Oh yea, and don’t take the sticker off your hat either, in case we wanna bring it back to Lids after the Patriots demolish us.” No, that wouldn’t make any sense. No one would PURPOSELY dress like this for a football game. No wonder we couldn’t hear a peep from these people all day. They were chained down, probably by some overzealous Patriots ball boys. #ChainGate

 

7. Illegal onsides kick. 

After you score a touchdown it’s customary to give the ball to the other team. Not the Patriots though. They’re filthy cheaters who think the ball always belongs to them. It’s bad enough they score every time they touch the ball, but now they can’t even let the other team get a chance? Bullshit. #OnsidesKickGate

 

6. Illegal beheading. 

Teammates aren’t supposed to bash each other in the face like that. Have you ever seen that happen before? Oh yea, me neither. Probably because Bill Belichick had his ballboys stick magnets in the Redskins helmets, thus forcing them to decapitate each other. #DecapitateGate

 

5. Patriots are racist. 

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The PC police say the Redskins have a racist team name. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the only offensive thing coming out of Washington are the politicians and the product that the Redskins put on the field. It’s actually the Patriots that have the racist team name. Native Americans were here first, then whitey showed up and acted like he owned the place. We call these people “patriots” today and they’re nothing but land stealing racists. Patriots murdering Native Americans apparently hasn’t gone out of style either. #RacistGate

 

4. Illegal fat guy farm. 

The Patriots seem to lose an offensive lineman every week. This week it was Sebastian Vollmer. So what happened? They just moved around their fat guys and brought in some new fat guys, and all they did was plow over the Redskins and create gigantic holes for Legarette Blount to run through all day. Where are all these fat guys coming from? I’ll bet you anything the Patriots are running an illegal fat guy farm somewhere. There’s no other logical explanation for this plethora of dominant fat guys.  #FatGuyGate

 

3. Tom Brady illegal tackle. 

Everyone knows Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time, but that was probably the greatest tackle I’ve ever seen. Pretty boys with golden arms aren’t supposed to be able to do that. Matter of fact it wouldn’t surprise me if Brady threw that INT on purpose just so he could fuck that guy’s world up. #BradyTackleGate

 

2. Jim McNally put his special sauce on the Redskins balls. 

There are dropped balls, and then there is the emasculating performance by the Redskins receivers today. I know it’s the Redskins and they suck and all, but even for them this raises some red flags. I mean, would anyone be surprised? This is a team (the Patriots) that’s notorious for fucking with balls. Does anyone think they don’t have it in them to put Jim McNally’s special sauce on those bad boys before the game started? #SpecialSauceGate

 

1. Patriots MADE the Redskins play this game. 

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There isn’t a single person in the world who thought the Redskins could win this game, and that includes everyone employed by the Washington Redskins. So why play it? Rumor is Washington offered to forfeit the game so they could avoid injury and focus on the Saints next weekend. After all, the Skins play in a craptacular division that you can probably win with an 8-8 record. But nope, the Patriots MADE THEM play this game, and now they’re tired, beat up, and emasculated as a result of it. And all because the Patriots broke the rules by not accepting their offer of a forfeit. #Forfeitgate

The Patriots rape tour de NFL is going to the place where dreams go to die next week – New Jersey – to play the Giants. How bad does Brady want this one? The butthurts love to point out that we couldn’t beat them post SpyGate. I can’t imagine a situation in which we win this game by less than 25 points.

 

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6 Comment(s)
  • BobnMic
    November 9, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    Man I thought last summer was very entertaining listening and watching deflate gate shit because the Red Sox sucked so bad. I had a feeling Brady was going to come out with both guns blazing this season.

    That fire happened last season with a 41 to 14 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs in week four and look what happened in the end.

    Sometimes a good kick in the ass can be a good thing…

  • Gronkmonster
    November 9, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    “Matter of fact it wouldn’t surprise me if Brady threw that INT on purpose just so he could fuck that guy’s world up. #BradyTackleGate”

    Ok that one is pretty good LOL

  • Thornton Melon
    November 9, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Along with number 1: It was actually suggested by the Washington Post that the Redskins sit all their starters and not even try because they knew they had no shot.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      November 9, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      The third stringers might have actually tried. Probably would have been a more interesting game.

  • nevermore
    November 9, 2015 at 7:43 am

    Wow, these ” how the Patriots cheated to win” posts just get better and better. Time for some new material TB?

  • Anna Conda
    November 9, 2015 at 6:09 am

    It wasn’t special sauce, the Patriots puts rocks in their gloves. #rockglovegate

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