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We took the bone ride to the south shore today for the latest chapter of the tour de turtle. Almost all of these places look exactly the same except for two of them. They’re not bad, but they’re not really nice either. They’re all flat, boring, not too run down, towns where people don’t like to mow their lawns. We hit up the following 10 towns in order: Braintree, Quincy, Weymouth, Rockland, Abington, Whitman, Brockton, Avon, Holbrook, Randolph. Here’s how we ranked em.
Remember these idiots?
Baby Gangsta and his hoodrat friends. According to his buddy who emailed us an incoherent threatening message afterwards, Braintree is the hood life:
Braintree is easily the nicest town we went to today. From 2-8 on this list we could probably rank em in any order. But I guess Avon would have to be considered the second nicest town we visited. It’s wicked small so there’s not much too it. It’s basically just this boulevard:
Big Jim’s Liquor Store
A couple boarded up homes
And some modest homes in quiet neighborhoods
All these south shore towns look exactly the same. Randolph is the perfect example. You’ve got broken down minivans in the driveways
Double lined roads with garages and warehouses
Snow plows on front lawns
Quaint looking neighborhoods
Depressing looking gas stations
And lawns that have never been mowed
That’s the south shore in a nutshell.
Abington might be the most forgettable and dull town in Massachusetts, lost in a sea of south shore mediocrity. Everything looks old, but not like, falling apart old. Just, blah.
And in Abington apparently people just open up car dealerships on their overgrown lawns.
Same shit, different town. Double lined roads with car dealerships
Densely packed, average looking neighborhoods
And the occasional couch and bags of trash sitting amongst an overgrown lawn
The most famous person from Weymouth is George Jung, the guy Johnny Depp played in Blow. He described it as a quiet American town where not much is going on, which is why he started dealing cocaine. But their second most famous citizen is a lot more abrasive. His name is John from Weymouth, and last year he declared war on the entire south shore, and later sent us threatening emails as well:
So yea, we were expecting a coke-filled dump filled with Internet bad asses like John here. Granted Weymouth is a little bit bigger than some of these other towns, so there were a couple dumpier parts. But mostly it’s just quiet, forgettable neighborhoods, like the way George Jung described it. Nothing like Brockton or Lawrence, which seems to prove that the south shore is just filled with white boys who think they’re hardos from the hood.
There are some nicer parts of Rockland for sure
But for the most part it’s just a cesspool of ugly looking industrial plants
Long roads with random buildings where something is being manufactured or warehoused but you have no idea what it is
white rape vans
“yard sales,” which are really just overflowing trash that Rockland people can’t fit in their homes
Old, run down, but not TOO run down looking buildings
Broken down minivans and RV’s
Cars parked on lawns
Abandoned gas stations
And overall ugliness without a theme
Holbrook is kind of like the armpit of the south shore. It’s filled with garages
Homes covered in “Beware of Dog” signs that you had no intention of robbing anyway
Shady red rape vans
A vibrant downtown
Lawns filled with random shit
Mixed in with your standard, average, south shore neighborhoods that look exactly the same in every town
For a city of it’s size (close to 100,000 people), Quincy isn’t that bad. It’s a lot nicer than Worcester, that’s for sure. There’s nothing that even remotely resemble Main South or Belmont Street. Granted, it’s not nice at all. It’s just not too shabby considering the amount of people they jam pack into there.
Granted there is the occasional couch or two on the lawn
Quincy does have an extensive border with the ocean. But unfortunately this is what the beach looks like:
And this is what constitutes a view from ocean front property
And the traffic will make your head spin
But there’s a lot of nice looking places, as long as you don’t mind being packed in like a sardine
Obviously. No brainer. It’s not the worst place to live in Massachusetts, but it’s pretty close. It will more than likely be a 1 seed when we have our tournament of dump champions after we visit all 351 towns and cities. Let’s look at some of the sites you will see while driving through the self-proclaimed “City of Champions” because one boxer went undefeated 65 years ago…..
First you’ll see Brockton’s never ending supply of abandoned mattresses
And the calling card of a great neighborhood is when you see a pair of sneakers hanging from the power lines
There’s a never ending supply of places to cash your chekcs
Abandoned lots filled with hopes and dreams
Boarded up buildings and discarded furniture
State of the art triple deckers
Some random guy that is always doing his aerobics program outside in fluorescent outfits
The shadiest rape vans you’ve ever seen, complete with “Pick up a pig tonight” bumper stickers
But what Brockton is most famous for is its chillin’. There are more people chillin’ at any given in time in Brockton than any other town in America. It’s like Jamaica except there’s no beach and nobody is smiling
Find me a place in America where your daily plans consist of sitting down on a broken down washing machine in a fenced in lot, staring at cars as they pass you by. That’s the American dream right there. City of Champions indeed!!
We lost track of how many towns we’ve been to now. We’ll have to start compiling a master list and ranking them all. I feel like it’s gotta be close to 100 now. As usual, let us know if we missed anything on this list and if we got it right. And as always, let us know where you think we should take our next bone ride to.
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