Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Fall River, Westport, Dartmouth, New Bedford, Acushnet, Fairhaven, Mattapoisett, Marion, Rochester

Want to have your business advert viewed over 2 million times per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Our Facebook page is suspended again, so make sure you to LIKE THE LOST BOYS OF TURTLE Facebook page to keep up with our latest blogs.

Our Facebook page is suspended again, so make sure you to LIKE THE LOST BOYS OF TURTLE Facebook page to keep up with our latest blogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We haven’t done a bone ride in forever, so we were due for another zip trip. But where to? We’ve been to nearly half of the 351 towns and cities in this state already. But since Fall River was the hot topic this week we decided it was time for a bone cruise to the South Coast where we hit up the following nine towns in order: Fall River, Westport, Dartmouth, New Bedford, Acushnet, Fairhaven, Mattapoisett, Marion, Rochester. Here’s how we ranked them from nicest to biggest shithole.

screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-9-32-34-pm

screen-shot-2016-06-01-at-9-33-43-pm-1

img_4731

 

1. Marion

img_4807

A truly lovely and quaint little town beach. This is what their downtown looks like:

img_4821

img_4820

img_4819

img_4818

Notice how much nicer things look when you put a little pride in your appearance? Granted it’s Marion, but there’s no overgrown weeds, no trash on the ground, and no panhandlers. Also the adding of the American flags on Main Street is a nice touch that really makes your town look like less of a shithole. I guess these are the things you can afford to pay when you have multi-million dollar property everywhere and they’re all paying property taxes.

img_4817

img_4816

img_4815

img_4814

img_4813

img_4812

img_4811

img_4810

img_4809
Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

 

2. Rochester

img_4822

Turtleboy’s favorite kind of towns are the ones with no traffic. Rochester is one of the greatest towns in the state for driving. As you can see, the roads are in great condition and no one is on them.

img_4823

img_4826

There’s a lot of neighborhoods, but you’re not too close to your neighbors, which is a good thing because a lot of the time neighbors suck. And there is nary any trashbag families that keep broken down Camaro’s on their front lawn, sinking your property value. Almost everyone in town seems to have a well manicured, well maintained, nice looking piece of property.

img_4824
img_4825
img_4827

img_4828

img_4829

img_4830

img_4831

img_4832

img_4833

img_4834

 

3. Mattapoisett

img_4795

It’s a great town, and it’s easy to get around because Route 6 runs directly through it, since it’s basically a cut through town for New Bedfordites to invade Cape Cod.

img_4796

It’s a beach town, very similar to Marion. Just not quite as nice, but still way better than the Turtleboy family is used to.

img_4806

img_4805

img_4804

img_4803

img_4802

img_4801

img_4800

img_4799

img_4798

img_4797
Seriously, how do you get your sidewalks that clean? It’s amazing.

 

4. Dartmouth

Dartmouth is kind of like a tweener town. It’s much bigger (34,000 people) than most towns. I’s not like an urban area, but it does have a couple traffic lights, which I’m not really a fan of if you’re living in a town.

img_4730

And when you live in a bigger town like this, you’re gonna have people that park broken down school buses in their driveways who are constantly doing work on their 95 Corollas.

img_4720

But that’s OK. All in all Dartmouth is a pretty forgettable town. It’s not bad at all, but it’s not really trying to show off either. It’s just your average Massachusetts suburb with a lot of Trump supporters.

img_4729

img_4727

img_4728

img_4726

img_4725

img_4724

img_4723

img_4722

img_4721
img_4719

 

5. Fairhaven

img_4778

To be honest, I was expecting nicer. Fairhaven isn’t exactly dumpy, but it just kind of reminds me of New Jersey, when I was expecting a beach town. Kind of a small town landwise, so it seems like they really just pack em all in there. Very un-Rochester-like. But at the end of the day it’s still a lot nicer than New Bedford or Fall River. It’s just one of those towns you’ll quickly forget about after driving through it.

img_4786

img_4782

img_4785

img_4780

img_4781
img_4783

img_4784
img_4787

img_4788

img_4789

img_4790

img_4791

img_4792

img_4793

img_4794

screen-shot-2016-09-14-at-10-48-15-am

 

6. Acushnet

img_4779

Underrated dumpy town. There’s a lot of this going on in Acushnet:

img_4774

img_4765

And there’s a bunch of trailers, but at least they’re clean looking.

img_4775
img_4777

img_4776

img_4771

But like I said with Marion, it makes a big difference when you put pride into your appearance. And a lot of Acushnet has decided to just let itself go:

img_4773

img_4772

img_4764

I’m sorry, but leaving your old furniture out on the front lawn for someone to take is just a classic white trash move. You can’t allow that. Either burn your couch like a civilized human being or give it to goodwill. Leaving it on the sidewalk until someone takes it isn’t giving it away. It’s littering. Luckly there’s plenty of average looking places in Acushnet that make it redeemable though.

img_4770

img_4769

img_4768

img_4767

img_4766

 

 

7. Westport

We found like, one or two streets in Westport that had some swankyness to them.

img_4698

img_4699

img_4700

But honestly, it’s a pretty dumpy looking place. First of all, it’s big and spread out.

img_4711

And everywhere you go it looks like Route 20 in Worcester. Just a bunch of random industrial businesses that look like they sell sand to other businesses.

img_4704

img_4703

img_4705

Oh, and car dealerships. Tons of car dealerships.

img_4718

For every pleasant looking street in Westport

img_4701

img_4702

img_4710

img_4716

img_4717

You get a house like this

img_4706

img_4707

img_4708

img_4713

It’s like a scene out of the Walking Dead. Except it’s five minutes from the beach, which is why everyone in town has a shipwreck in their yard.

img_4712
But it could be worse. Much worse.

 

8. Fall River

You knew it had to be Fall River or New Bedford in last right? It was a toss up, it really was. Ultimately Fall River was somewhat more redeemable than New Bedford. But that’s not really saying much. Fall River does have a beautiful view, especially if you enjoy watching smog come out of industrial smokestacks and coolants.

img_4692

img_4694

The neighborhoods are very elegant and charming.

img_4690

There are a plethora of run down abandoned factories where stray cats can get together for fun activities.

img_4691

img_4679

Business is thriving in economic district.

img_4696

Especially if you’re in the market for……lottery tickets, soda, motor oil, and Newport Lights, and you wanna pay with your EBT card.

img_4681

Don’t worry about buying more than you can carry though. Fall River has an open-shopping cart policy. Find a stray shopping cart on any street corner and leave it wherever the hell you feel like leaving it when you’re done with it.

img_4695

img_4680

img_4675

Same goes with furniture. Every day is “free yard sale” day in the Riv.

img_4689

img_4683

img_4682

The reception in Fall River is great too. The satellite dishes have even grown their own satellite dishes.

img_4687

img_4676

And if you like random guys in hoodies standing around doing nothing all day doing nothing, then Fall River is the place for you.

img_4688

Oh, and remember that assbag reporter from the Herald News wrote that column shitting on Turtleboy for pointing out that all those out of control Durfee parents wore their pajamas to the riot they attempted to incite? He tried to say that they were wearing pajamas because they were in a rush and were worried their kids were gonna get shot. LOL. Wrong. They were wearing pajamas because that’s just what a good 60% of people in Fall River wear whenever they leave the house.

img_4685

So yea, Fall River is an amazing land of splendor and opportunity. You just have to watch out for the Ghetto Clowncillor and you should be in the clear.

img_4693

unnamed-10

 

 

9. New Bedford

When we come up with our final list, New Bedford will easily be in the Top 10 dumpiest places to live, if not top five. It’s got everything you need in a hoodrat’s paradise. Liquor stores on every corner

img_4762

Tedeschi’s as far as the eye can see

img_4761

Hondas with blue rims, which more than likely double as delivery cars for dime bags of shwagg

img_4749

Shopping carts

img_4754

Small children who never have to go to school

img_4760

img_4748

If you count “chillin on the stoop” as one of your favorite past times, then you’ll have a great time in New Bedford

img_4751

img_4734

There are also a never ending supply of finely dressed New Bedfordites who cross the street when the fuck they feel like crossing the street, and stare you down just in case you had second thoughts about honking your horn.

img_4755

It’s got sidewalk furniture galore

img_4758

Finely kept infrastructure and sidewalks

img_4736

img_4744

img_4745

img_4732

img_4752

img_4733

Robust economic development

img_4757

Endless seas of triple deckers that proudly wear their satellite dishes like boy scouts wear merit badges

img_4750

img_4746

img_4741

img_4740

img_4739

img_4738

Dead end streets that end with an abandoned brick factory

img_4756

img_4742

Don’t worry though. It’s a rule in New Bedford that every run down brick building must have a Family Dollar directly across the street from it.

img_4737

So you’ll never need to waste your time going to the mall.

Anyway, did we get them right this time? Anyone from down there agree or disagree with us? Feel free to let us know if we missed anything. And where should we go to next?

 

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

unnamed-3

unnamed-10

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

screen-shot-2016-09-14-at-10-48-15-am

screen-shot-2016-09-20-at-3-00-16-pm

Wormtown Brewery, Union TavernBennie’s Cafe,  JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban BarbecueSmitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors,  The Gun Parlor Range, Attorney Anthony Salerno, Rotti Power Equipment in West Boylston

Want to have your business advert viewed over 2 million times per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

16 Comment(s)
  • TJB
    TJB
    December 13, 2017 at 12:13 pm

    What a shame. New Bedford was a bustling factory town when the wipipo lived in all those three Deckers and worked in all those beautiful factories. That is until ultra democrat ted Kennedy and a Jew from new York fought for the immigration reform act of 1965. Opening the flood gates from cockroaches south of the border.

  • Mrs. Teasdale
    October 31, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    I am from New Bedford originally . Oh, the memories…the nostalgia–Brock Avenue, County Street! The beatup church in the pic is Saint Anne’s. The boarded up school was St. Anne’s school–I went there and hated it, but thanks for the memories, Turtleboy!!

    • Lenny Montana
      September 25, 2020 at 3:36 pm

      I also grew up in the South End of New Bedford. Went to St. Anne’s K-8, then Holy Family. I now live in Marion. I guess I’ve made it but to be honest, N.B. wasn’t that bad when I was growing up.

  • GhostofLB
    October 30, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    I bet you had your doors locked and windows rolled up….Stay in the suburbs….l

  • juror seven esq.
    October 30, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    You keep talking about beaches as you did the tour, but I didn’t see a single beach picture.

  • GhostofLB
    October 30, 2016 at 2:03 am

    Bet you didn’t have the sack to get out your car you little pu$#y…You have a mighty big mouth behind that keyboard atleast the Herald News columnist shows his face….I hope someday the good people of NB and FR get to see you in person…Until then enjoy yourself…

    • Turd Burglestein
      October 30, 2016 at 12:16 pm

      Does the LB in your name stand for Little Balls?

    • on it's back
      May 23, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      Nice to see someone who is proud of shit….and proud to live in it.

  • Reddog
    October 30, 2016 at 1:04 am

    I’ve been watching the Lizzie Bordon chronicles on Netflix and Fall River looked much better in the late 1800’s.

  • Low Profile
    October 29, 2016 at 11:07 am

    Thanks for the tour. I’d never see those towns if it wasn’t for you.

  • Peter frost
    October 29, 2016 at 8:02 am

    You missed freetown. Where every other car is some jacked up jeep or pickup truck. Half the town is next to new bedford and the other half is on Fall River. Drag racing, gun shots all times of year, vehicles with no mufflers blasting through stop signs at 2 am. Yard sales everywhere everyday junk yards all over the place, lots of meth production for new bedford and fall River.

    Run down houses and scrap yards in the front yards of many homes

    On the other side of town, multi million dollar homes, house parties by connected town people which are hundreds strong.

    The school system is good. That’s about it.

  • Idiocracy
    October 29, 2016 at 7:37 am

    I enjoyed this column as I ate my Captain Crunch.

    It is all entertainment at this point! 🙂

  • Sal Monella
    October 29, 2016 at 4:32 am

    When you make your list of dumpiest cities, list the Mayor and whether they are Democrat or Republican.

    Hmmmm…. people in poverty keep voting to keep themselves in poverty so they can bitch about being poor and get more free shit. It’s and endless spiral downward, started with the War on Poverty.

    I’d say it is a joke but it cost us $Trillions, all borrowed, which our grandchildren will have to pay some foreign country back, so they will never have the standard of living that we do now.

    Wake up.

  • person street
    October 29, 2016 at 12:57 am

    ” Fall River does have a beautiful view, especially if you enjoy watching smog come out of industrial smokestacks and coolants.”

    That’s just awesome. I went to high school in N. Dartmouth and you did a good job with this.

  • Ham
    October 28, 2016 at 11:22 pm

    Was once in a cab coming back from bars in downtown New Bedford, saw a woman getting grabbed/pushed/hit by a man. We had the minivan cab stop, we flung the sliding door open and she jumped in as we sped away. Turns out we rescued a hooker from her pimp. Good times.

    • Reddog
      October 30, 2016 at 1:01 am

      My son and I did the same thing ten years ago after the summer nationals one night. He hung on to my truck bed until my son cut the wheel on chandler street and he was flung into the middle of the intersection. Great memories from the Woo.

Leave a Reply to person street Cancel reply

*

RELATED POSTS
The Big E: Cesspool Of Morons With Infomercials, Fried Dough, And Goat Shit
Mr. And Mrs. Turtleboy Investigate Best Apple Picking In Massachusetts At Tougas Farm Northboro
Leominster Dad Makes Hilarious Vine Compilation Video From Three Months of Saturday Mornings With Kids, Morons Predictably Outraged