Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Lynnfield, Peabody, Saugus, Lynn, Nahant, Swampscott, Marblehead, Salem, Beverly, Danvers

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

Get the newest Turtleboy Sports t-shirt (as seen on the Felger and Mazz show) by clicking the picture above.

Get the newest Turtleboy Sports t-shirt (as seen on the Felger and Mazz show) by clicking the picture above.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

 

 

 

 

The Turtleboy staff has already explored Northwestern Worcester County, made inroads into Hampden County, blazed through the Blackstone Valley, and found the biggest dumps in Rhode Island. So it was time to go east and explore the magical lands of the north shore today. The TBS crew had an epic bone ride through Lynnfield, Peabody, Saugus, Lynn, Nahant, Swampscott, Marblehead, Salem, Beverly, and Danvers on Wednesday. As usual we’ve ranked them from nicest to crappiest. Keep in mind for all you whiners out there, we obviously can’t get to every single corner of every town. We drive through each place for like 20 minutes. We see what the average person sees when driving through your city. So if you live in some mansion in a remote area of a dump town, no one cares. It’s like you don’t really live there. With that said, here’s how we rank em this time…

12655935_1675337012749575_501172741_o

 

 

 

1. Lynnfield

12630899_1675317006084909_1564328441_o

Lynnfield is by far the nicest town we’ve seen on any of our bone rides. No vagrants allowed. Every neighborhood looks like you could eat your dinner off the streets. It’s literally the most pleasant looking place we’ve ever seen:

12631224_1675316899418253_303452519_o

12620704_1675316902751586_547966425_o

12596838_1675316909418252_1015039869_o

12632923_1675316939418249_851983433_o

Except for this house:

12620544_1675316959418247_625747597_o

Whoever lives there is probably the most hated person in Lynnfield. Doing their best to drive down property value, one broken down car in the yard at a time.

But seriously, these are main roads we’re talking about in a lot of these pictures:

12631098_1675316836084926_1292190797_o
12633171_1675316992751577_61506475_o

12596529_1675316972751579_948168121_o

12636940_1675316846084925_1839478233_o

12632863_1675316839418259_1314039062_o

12631004_1675316859418257_789447429_o

12636991_1675316879418255_1857528132_o

Those houses look like a hide and go seek wet dream. Lynnfield is also right off I-95, not far from the beach, and close to a bunch of malls, so it doesn’t matter that there’s absolutely nothing downtown. It’s the perfect place to live. Way too nice for the Turtleboy family, or anyone who was raised in the Woo.

 

 

2. Danvers

Another lovely town. Never been to Danvers before, probably because no one from Danvers would ever wanna hang out with Turtleboy. When we used to go to parties in high school it was always at some fleabag apartment on Southgate Street. We just needed a place where we could pound Natty Lights and the neighbors were undocumented so they couldn’t call the cops on us. But everyone once in a while we’d find out about a St. John’s or a Wachusett party, and we’d show up. All sausage of course, because no girls ever wanted to hang out with us. Naturally we always ruined the party because the houses we’d show up at were like culture class. It was too nice for us and we didn’t know how to behave. Probably why we never went to any parties in Danvers:

12631238_1675336012749675_1737146869_o

12596997_1675335999416343_547094463_o

Seriously though, have you ever seen a street more perfect for pushing a wheel with a stick?

12597026_1675336022749674_1774795812_o

12596880_1675336042749672_1418642138_o

12631211_1675336036083006_970021218_o

12620429_1675336032749673_616945050_o

12637201_1675336029416340_1588525154_o

This was the scummiest looking place we could find in Danvers, and even it looks nicer than 99% of Worcester:

12656017_1675336046083005_1076973297_o

Just watch out for these guys.

12655987_1675336052749671_1360713384_o

You know you’re living in a swanky place when there’s a Yoga studio downtown.

12637327_1675336066083003_679528722_o

12596707_1675336072749669_1385401257_o

Danvers is also right on 95 and it’s got a mall and it’s pretty close to the beach. Good times in Danvers.

 

 

3. Nahant

12637305_1675324252750851_1765676528_o

Nahant is on a peninsula, so to get there you have to travel down a mile long strip that gives you a pretty cool view of Boston and Revere:

12656118_1675324206084189_675422480_o-2

It’s obviously a beach town:

12631134_1675324126084197_199799334_o

The lovely scenery is conducive for healthy, attractive people who like to jog and not look like disgusting slobs.

12636872_1675324119417531_304285862_o

Half the homes in town have the Atlantic Ocean for a backyard.

12656108_1675324182750858_1996125300_o

The rest are nice lovely town roads.

12631013_1675324239417519_1601534158_o

Downtown is your typical beach town:

12637021_1675324226084187_264192736_o

Basically, unless you’re filthy rich you’ll never, ever live in Nahant.

12636974_1675324199417523_1268559163_o

12632918_1675324142750862_611600724_o

The reason we couldn’t put Nahant any higher than this was the fact that there’s only one way in and out of Nahant – through Lynn. And I would bet my bottom dollar that this place gets invaded by some of Lynn’s finest once the sun comes out to play in June. They have to have some sort of ordinance in place right? No Lynn allowed. Keep Nahant great again.

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

 

 

4. Swampscott

12637079_1675333542749922_848068643_o

Barstool Sports (now minority) owner Dave Portony is from Swampscott. A lot of the butthurts give us the “Turtleboy is a Barstool ripoff” schtick in the comments section. But in reality, it’s totally different. Barstool is a Swampscott blog. Turtleboy is a Worcester blog. Even though we blog about a million different places, it’s the fact that it’s blogged about through a Worcester perspective that makes it authentic. Because when you’re from Worcester, you understand how hilarious grime can be. When you’re from Swampscott, and you grow up in this:

12632977_1675333392749937_1253530722_o

12632938_1675333356083274_863288054_o

12596653_1675333486083261_985235594_o

12596906_1675333362749940_593030945_o

12620727_1675333469416596_1338823931_o

12499513_1675333459416597_2111917445_o

Your takes can only be so hot. It’s why they have to resort to making you guess that ass and know a camel toe. Because you can only write so many blogs about Justin Bieber and LeBron James before you run out of things to talk about. When you live in Worcester, there’s always something to talk about. Swampscott might be a million times nicer than Worcester, and have a long coastline along the beach. But Swampscott doesn’t have Tracy Novick. She might be the worst person on earth, but at least she gives us something to talk about.

But seriously, Swampscott is another great town. Even though it’s technically a beach town, it’s not one of those cape towns with no chain stores. They’ve got everything.

12596975_1675333432749933_1206432271_o

12633049_1675333446083265_1718382515_o

And I got so aroused when I came across a Marshalls

12632830_1675333372749939_1881180205_o

directly across the street from a Five Guys

12630770_1675333422749934_308602356_o

Uhhhhhhhh…Swampscott. This is the roughest part of town:

12637263_1675333466083263_841891263_o

And as you can see, they serve craft beer. Serving craft beer is like owning a nighclub and not allowing hats or jerseys. It’s a great way to ensure that your town doesn’t become ghetto-fied.

 

 

5. Marblehead

12620574_1675333876083222_484906244_o

Marblehead is basically the same thing as Swampscott except more crowded and it has more of a beach town feel.

12620402_1675333882749888_347997800_o

12633392_1675333826083227_355064880_o

12620641_1675333809416562_993568752_o

12631130_1675333839416559_1878044496_o

There’s some insane property

12631254_1675333812749895_1060160_o

12655964_1675333849416558_1274797930_o

and pleasant looking neighborhoods

12656130_1675333859416557_1368307908_o
12636963_1675333842749892_612721375_o

The downside, like Swampscott, is that it’s kind of a pain in the ass to get to. Other than that, Marblehead is way too nice for the Turtleboy family.

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 4.54.34 PM

 

 

6. Beverly

12632988_1675335632749713_781165288_o

If your town touches the ocean, it’s kind of hard for it to look like shit. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of parts of Beverly that are Turtelboy’s dream neighborhoods:

12596716_1675335592749717_1013892548_o

12596719_1675335619416381_423847125_o

12656205_1675335629416380_964904770_o

Turtleboy Jr. is a moron. He is a kidnapping waiting to happen. That’s why we need to live in a neighborhood like those.

But towards downtown Beverly, there’s a little bit of Worcester in some of these areas. The first sign you’re in a dumpy part of town is when you see bed sheets for curtains:

12633037_1675335559416387_322564129_o

I don’t know when this became a thing, or why they can’t just get some cheap blinds, but bed sheets for curtains is like putting up a sign that says, “weed for sale here!” Seriously though, there’s a lot of contrast in Beverly.

12633115_1675335529416390_502699029_o

12620801_1675335572749719_264323583_o

And you gotta watch out for shady looking dudes lurking by the railroad tracks.

12596788_1675335569416386_97772955_o

And the neighbors who decorate their “lawns” with old furniture.

12630949_1675335532749723_1010412112_o
12637054_1675335602749716_1865093503_o
12633132_1675335639416379_2053594784_o

All in all, Beverly is a pretty nice place. It’s just got a lot more dumpy parts than Danvers and Lynnfield.

 

 

7. Peabody

Peabody is a lot like Beverly, except, 1) it doesn’t touch the ocean, and 2) the shitty parts are a lot shittier. In case you missed the news last night, two people were found stabbed to death on a porch on this street yesterday:

12637077_1675320712751205_1402060997_o

So….that’s not good. Shocking that this would happen in a neighborhood where people use broken down vending machines for lawn ornaments.

12596525_1675320719417871_99613007_o

Peabody is filled with washed up athletes who spent two years at UMass majoring in economics, only to drop out because selling oxycotins became more appealing. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that this is where kids from Peabody High go to buy their weed.

12637106_1675320772751199_810672380_o

 

And this is what I like to refer to as a Peabody yard sale:

12630847_1675320766084533_613741133_o

Another sign that you’re in the wrong part of town is when you start counting satellite dishes:

12596527_1675320782751198_624513525_o

You can tell how long a tree has been in the woods by how many rings it has inside of it. You can tell how long ago a neighborhood turned to shit based on how many satellite dishes you can find in a square mile. Old satellite dishes are like merit badges for dooshnozzles.

Honestly though, most of Peabody doesn’t look like this:

12443793_1675320799417863_1390219819_o

12596852_1675320862751190_284181457_o

12656234_1675320809417862_1834355055_o

12633154_1675320722751204_535959755_o

12637238_1675320922751184_1315621123_o

12620373_1675320716084538_127571743_o

12633092_1675320832751193_846783550_o

The majority of Peabody is actually nice neighborhoods

12620816_1675320876084522_842734404_o

12633341_1675320879417855_253420841_o

12633061_1675320889417854_1314073382_o
12633393_1675320926084517_2081045987_o
12636919_1675320906084519_1108584297_o

12620434_1675320936084516_1485305162_o
But as you can see, a lot of those are newer homes. Clearly over the years the dooshnozzle factor has invaded the old neighborhoods, and those who couldn’t afford to move to Lynnfield, moved to West Peabody. But you can always tell where the 85 year old Portuguese woman who refuses to move out lives because of the grape vines in the back yard.

12620557_1675320756084534_309674862_o
Classic. Every post-industrial city has an old woman who grows her own grapes in the backyard and sits on the stoop talking about the old days before “they all move in.”

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

 

 

8. Saugus

Saugus dogs might know how to play, but Saugus is a pit. It’s a post industrial iron city, so you see lots of stuff like this:

12633023_1675322152751061_1254453398_o

12632936_1675322172751059_2051086689_o

Saugus does have a coastline along the ocean, albeit a short one. This is what the beach looks like in Saugus:

12633132_1675322086084401_1046625045_o

12633112_1675322092751067_434315943_o

Hot.

And the neighborhoods are cramped and looks like New Jersey.

12637292_1675322126084397_679002116_o

12499518_1675322112751065_1891597417_o

12633053_1675322106084399_2024648892_o

12637292_1675322126084397_679002116_o-2

12633296_1675322132751063_1629652616_o

12620855_1675322139417729_523092948_o

12632890_1675322142751062_1821150998_o
And this is downtown.

12656224_1675322146084395_468548684_o

Saugus sucks.

 

 

9. Salem

12633185_1675335099416433_2125024414_o

Salem is a great place to visit

12620832_1675335006083109_807989155_o

but I’d rather kill myself than live there.  First of all, the traffic SUCKS, all hours of the day.

12597000_1675335026083107_1574904371_o

12631020_1675334969416446_1956680319_o

12637430_1675335086083101_418525979_o

Because it’s historic, everything looks old and the streets are insanely narrow.

12633108_1675334946083115_961199739_o

12656034_1675334926083117_1831457118_o

12631004_1675334959416447_1943535167_o

12620416_1675335032749773_965098782_o

12620366_1675335092749767_1275911506_o

12656174_1675334909416452_1639195398_o

And when your town’s entire economy revolves around that one time in history when everyone lost their mind and murdered women and children because they all believed the mentally unstable town whore, your streets have a tendency to look like shit run over twice.

12632836_1675334916083118_620712182_o

12632822_1675334899416453_1027810347_o
12630836_1675334952749781_57508904_o
I’ll tell you what’s not a good sign – when a Family Dollar opens up in your neighborhood.

12630701_1675335072749769_74162435_o

I dunno, I guess Salem’s not that bad. It’s just not very good either.

12597018_1675335056083104_124723293_o
12631158_1675335076083102_1612154111_o
12637261_1675335062749770_1533062908_o

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.10.28 AM

 

 

10. Lynn

12620719_1675324526084157_1285382908_o

As if this was ever in doubt. I’ve known what Lynn was since I was just a little child learning how to ride a turtle, mainly because I watched the 10:00 News. Like clockwork I could tune into Fox 25 and hear about the latest murder in this magical place I’d never been to before. Believe it or not, Lynn has one nice part of it – right by the beach…..boi!!!

12620487_1675324536084156_2136466024_o

12630732_1675324489417494_1887013739_o

12620771_1675324512750825_764539986_o

But other than that Lynn is just a collection of vacant, overgrown lots,

12637200_1675323466084263_272984743_o

12620836_1675323456084264_1309652279_o

12630746_1675323436084266_1112377518_o

12656114_1675323576084252_1616348912_o

Satellite dishes and bed sheet curtains,

12633074_1675323516084258_1103535009_o

and cramped streets,

12632869_1675323476084262_71052191_o

Lynn is where drug dealers and hope go to die.

12596714_1675323539417589_1847493808_o

Oh yea, and if you speak English in Lynn, you’re fresh out of luck.

12620733_1675323509417592_305963816_o

12630733_1675323482750928_2074760192_o

And the town common really is lovely isn’t it?

12637039_1675323566084253_234580755_o

12637076_1675323486084261_1574535601_o

Look at all that breahtaking mud. Amazing. What young child doesn’t wanna go down to the park and roll around in a frozen puddle of broken dreams?

Next up is Western MA. I can think of one town in particular that we haven’t heard from in a few weeks, that needs a visit form the Tour de Turtle bone ride crew. Where do you think we should go to next. Make your case to have Turtleboy visit and critique your town in the comments and your dump village could be the next profiled on our Tour de Turtle.

 

 

 

 

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

screen-shot-2016-12-05-at-8-36-43-pm

Screen Shot 2017-02-01 at 10.32.58 AM

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

unnamed (8)

Screen Shot 2017-02-27 at 10.14.48 AM

Screen Shot 2017-03-31 at 2.17.19 PM

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 8.48.23 PM

26 Comment(s)
  • foleyworld
    Wannabe
    September 8, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    Kick off South Shore Ratchet Tour in Quincy where Vietnamese Home Invasion crews jockey for influence and territory with Irish tough guy types in exile from a gentrified Southie and a Blackified Dorchester ! Then head south to Glorious Weymouth by the Sea where clueless junkies do deals in strip mall parking lots in broad daylight and can never figure out how or why they got arrested, then further South to Rockland ( home of ” Stay Woke” everybody’s favorite Junkie White Rapper in a FBCB hat) and end up on the enchanting peninsula of Hull. Where everybody’s related and nobody ever leaves… Rachet Paradise!

  • July 20, 2016 at 7:21 am

    Super song

  • Fatfinger Lou
    January 28, 2016 at 7:33 pm

    TB,

    Where’s the bone ride to the places that don’t really exist for we happy few working stiffs? Are Winchester, Harvard, and Sudbury truly not under satellite surveillance like Area 51?

    I tried a few times, dreaming, but Zillow sucks balls.

  • k
    January 28, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Do an entire tour of webster

  • Bob
    January 28, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    Drive like this: Billerica, Chelmsford, Lowell, Tewksbury, Dracut, Methuen, North Andover, Lawrence, Haverhill and whatever for the 10th one- maybe Wilmington. Great mix of ok places, hillbilly garbage, and utter dumps.

    • Ed
      January 28, 2016 at 2:44 pm

      ^^This^^!!! Wait until you see Lawrence/Haverhill!

      • Wannabe
        September 8, 2017 at 5:09 pm

        Listen to Ed!!!! Lawrence makes Lynn look like Beverly Hills!!!

  • Q-Ball
    January 28, 2016 at 11:04 am

    Dude…Framingham. Seriously…. Downtown is the illegal immigrant capital of Massachusetts. There’s tons of ’em. Go there early enough and you can catch a bunch of them loitering outside bakeries waiting to be picked up by local landscapers and roofers for a day’s work. I can’t tell you how many there are living there, but I heard it’s around a “Brazillion”. Metro-West Tour de Turtle….stop in at Watch City Cigar for a smoke on me when you show up…the smoking room is loaded with turtle minded folk!

  • T
    January 28, 2016 at 10:42 am

    I live in Maynard. Its surrounded by ‘rich’ towns, designating it as the trashy cousin in an affluent family. I’d love to see Maynard on one of your bone ride articles!

  • Chris From Georgia
    January 28, 2016 at 9:36 am

    I remember Lynn very well. I lived there on Lynn Shore Drive across the street from Red Rock Park in the late 70’s. Was there when the Blizzard of 78 hit. That following fall I moved to Georgia. Used to bicycle from Lynn to Marblehead Light in the summer and dated a nurse from Salem . Brought back many good memories.

  • Lambodiesel
    January 28, 2016 at 9:30 am

    Here’s a dark horse…the Hockomock. Franklin, Foxboro, Mansfield, North Attleboro, et al. Clearly North Attleboro is the best town in the Commonwealth, but it would be interesting to see how the rest stack up behind it. And no matter what the conference standings say, Attleboro, Taunton and Milford aren’t Hockomock.

  • balloon knot
    January 28, 2016 at 9:23 am

    just over the connecticut line. starting with the capital, putnam. the surrounding towns like killingly, plainfield, rogers, ballouville, etc. provide a wonderful sampling. stay away from thompson and woodstock, woodstock is nice , thompson is just so huge, the contrasts scream different planets

  • Mike
    January 28, 2016 at 9:13 am

    You missed it with Peobody and Danvers. They both have a lot of areas that make Worcester look like Brookline

  • WormtownorBust
    January 28, 2016 at 8:46 am

    How about hitting the towns that abut the Quabbin Reservoir?

  • JR
    January 28, 2016 at 8:38 am

    More suggestions!
    Chelsea, Revere, Malden, Medford, Everett, Reading, Stoneham

  • Anna Conda
    January 28, 2016 at 7:11 am

    Lynn, Lynn, the city of sin
    You never come out, the way you went in…..

  • Reddog
    January 28, 2016 at 2:40 am

    Ware,Palmer,Belchertown,Gilbertville,that area would be interesting.

  • January 28, 2016 at 2:10 am

    I read this article completely about the comparison of latest and earlier technologies, it’s awesome article.

  • BobnMic
    January 28, 2016 at 12:44 am

    Oh man that would be crazy funny the more I think of it.

  • BobnMic
    January 28, 2016 at 12:40 am

    Hell TB do Amherst. Take a trip down memory lane and do a pictorial documentary at U. Mass and how it related to the 1978 movie hit “Animal House.” Now that would be fun for you and for us to see and read. You could to try and find a real life “Bluto!”

  • BobnMic
    January 28, 2016 at 12:32 am

    No doubt my favorite TurtleBoy Sports segments. Seriously love it. It’s like flicking through a classic magazine like Life. A visual guide narrative of where you live but have never been.

    Looking for places to go? I used to work in Holyoke. Now there’s a place that will stun viewers and ironically enough there are some nice neighborhoods north of route 5. But down in an area called the “Flats” in Holyoke is where it gets real super funky.

    Springfield – arguably the third largest city in New England has a hip looking downtown that crushes Worcester’s downtown but some real crazy looking shit neighborhoods. If I am not mistaken I believe you already did a piece on Springfield so if so then I apologize and please disregard.

  • Bill
    January 27, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    You should do: Chelmsford, Billerica, Lowell, dracut
    Or Acton, Maynard, concord. Maynard is kind of a hole

    • Vekdqec
      January 28, 2016 at 12:23 am

      The “just north of Worcester towns” should be next Turtleboy. Barre, Oakham, Princeton, Rutland, Paxton, Holden, Sterling, West Boylston, Boylston. A lot of diversity there. Barre is the wife-beater capital of Massachusetts, no argument there. Holden is the saintly safe-space from Worcester with unholy traffic 24/7. Where middle-aged women in reflective vests are seen walking at any hour of the day. Where there are at least 5 establishments that sell liquor, yet the selling of nips is prohibited. West Boylston is the random quiet dude you didn’t think much about in high school, but has just enough cool things to make you appreciate him as the real “cool guy” after high school. Princeton and Sterling easily fill the hipster quota by snowboarding down Mt Wachusett while waving a Bernie Sanders sign in one hand and sipping on a Wachusett Blueberry with the other. Rutland is home to a very creepy abandoned prison camp. Diversity aplenty, zip-trip needed.

      • Rational person
        January 28, 2016 at 9:48 am

        Well done!

    • AMY
      January 28, 2016 at 12:11 pm

      Maynard is really nice, and not cheap to live in! And no, I don’t live in Maynard. Acton or Concord, you’d be lucky to live there!

  • Turtle Educator
    January 27, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    salem has a level 1 school?

    worcester residents wonder what one of those is.

Leave a Reply to Fatfinger Lou Cancel reply

*

RELATED POSTS
The Big E: Cesspool Of Morons With Infomercials, Fried Dough, And Goat Shit
Mr. And Mrs. Turtleboy Investigate Best Apple Picking In Massachusetts At Tougas Farm Northboro
Leominster Dad Makes Hilarious Vine Compilation Video From Three Months of Saturday Mornings With Kids, Morons Predictably Outraged