Smiles And Sunshine

Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Sweet 16: Fupasloth Region

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It’s time for the Sweet 16 of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness to begin. We’ll start as we always do in the Fupasloth Region where we’ve got the 1, 4, 7, and 11 seeds remaining. But only two can survive to make the Elite 8. Here’s what that bracket looks like:

As usual we will provide links to each ratchet’s greatest hits, and a rundown of their ratchet resume, so that you can make an informed decision when you go to vote.

1. Alli Bibaud vs. 4. Dartmouth Yogapoon

Alli Bibaud

  • Has the “disease”
  • Got gigs as a toll booth worker where she filmed herself repeatedly, all fucked up taking people’s money
  • Frequently uses phrases like “money, cash, hoes”
  • Records herself driving around all fucked up
  • Got arrested for driving around all jammed with a bunch of heroin on her on I-190
  • Asked arresting trooper if he knew how many guys she had to blow to get that heroin (still undetermined)
  • Offered sexual favors in return for leniency
  • Mentioned her father during arrest, who is a judge in Dudley
  • Set off a chain of events that led to the resignation of four of the highest ranking members of the Massachusetts State Police, as well as an investigation by the Attorney General’s Office





Dartmouth Yogapoon

  • Bootleg south coast Kardashian
  • Runs a bootleg New Bedford yoga studio that resembles a sweatshop and almost definitely violates fire codes
  • Dates a 70 year old multi millionaire who owns half the south shore (including building her yoga studio is in) and has done time in federal prison for tax evasion
  • Threatens to sue anyone who bad mouths her bootleg business
  • Frequently calls clients “bitches” during class
  • Practices buti yoga in her studio, which they have no certification for, after competitor across the street began offering buti yoga
  • Drives around in Porsches, wears mostly Gucci, dresses like a ghettofabulous gypsy
  • Claimed that inability to teach buti yoga was a racial attack on her and her Cape Verdean instructors
  • Criticizes white women who owned other yoga studio for cultural appropriation, because yoga is not for white people to teach
  • Films herself shopping for clothes while drinking wine, and then discarding empty wine glass on floor
  • Films herself in bathing suit while shooting gun that fires out $20 bills, thus making it rain
  • Yelp reviews are a hilarious dumpster fire
  • Caught on video barging into competitor’s business across the street, acting ratchet as usual and causing a scene
  • Handed out hundreds of gift certificates for free classes, and then refused to honor them because business was losing money



11. Kyle “Pure” Kennedy vs. 7. Lowell Beaver Bumper

Kyle “Pure” Kennedy

  • Ghettofabulous Uxbridge hoodrat incarcerated for armed robbery
  • Frequently posts racial and sexual slurs on Facebook
  • Claims cops can’t get him, even though he’s in jail
  • Usually wears flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats when not incarcerated
  • Is friends with legendary Turtleboy ratchet Gabbi Hebert
  • Claims to be “stackin cheese while other n words hungry”
  • Likely was Aaron Hernandez prison boyfriend in Shirley
  • Aaron Hernandez left note for him after suicide that lawyer wants turned over
  • Wants $50,000 watch that Aaron Hernandez promised him before killing himself
  • Once legally sold his soul in juvey to another individual from Woonsocket
  • Frequently poses in ambiguously gay, homoerotic poses with shirtless, heavily tattooed hoodrat friends

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Lowell Beaver Bumper

  • Killed a dude in broad daylight in the middle of traffic and went home and bragged about it on Facebook
  • Career criminal who has been arrested several times for drugs and gun violations
  • Despite displaying tons of cash she also displays her EBT balance on IG
  • Was featured by the Lowell Sun in an anti-violence video
  • Father came on her Facebook page threatening to murder the families of turtle riders laughing at her

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You have 24 hours to vote.

6 Comment(s)
  • deflateddoritodinks
    April 20, 2018 at 11:18 am

    So much material. So little time.

  • Mike Hunt
    April 20, 2018 at 8:08 am


  • Bill Clinton
    April 20, 2018 at 7:25 am

    I’ll take the skinny ginger over the fat donut broad any day. And the skinny ginger knows how to party. Tubby just knows how to eat donuts.

    • Fred Knessl
      April 20, 2018 at 6:04 pm

      Mr President – I would be honored to take sloppy seconds from Ali after you were finished. She is soooo fuckable, sober or stoned

  • Clitty Litter
    April 20, 2018 at 6:36 am

    I shouldn’t have to think this hard before WORK!

    Now I have to go take a Didi……too much morning coffee.

    • Hughbo Mont
      April 20, 2018 at 1:23 pm

      Don’t you mean “drop the kids off at the pool”?

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