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So with all this talk about police brutality and Ferguson protests lately, management at Turtleboy Sports decided that we had a journalistic obligation to investigate whether or not cops are really Nazis in training as many an internet meme has told us they are. According to the media, professional “activists”, Marxist college professors, and genius 19 year old who have the whole world figured out, every cop in America is like Rosie Perez when she was in Pineapple Express.
To find out if there was any truth to these claims we inquired about doing a ride along with the Worcester Police Department. I was expecting to see some crazy action. Like, according to everything I’ve read we were gonna harass a bunch of innocent people going about their day. Maybe if we had enough time I’d get to see an innocent person get shot. Maybe. Not sure if we’d have enough time.
Unfortunately I was disappointed to find out that the police try to do boring things – like help people in distress and listen to the concerns of citizens. BORING. I got to spend six hours with Seargent Pete Towler today, and not once did we get to discharge firearms on young men who were about to get their GED and open their own barber shops. I found out there’s actually a lot more to policing than shooting people who have their hands up and teargassing Clark hippies for standing in traffic. I have to say that I’m very disappointed that CNN has led me on.
So because I rode with Seargent Towler from 8-2 it wasn’t exactly the most exciting part of the day. The first call we responded to was a situation where a landlord had found some dude sleeping in the basement of one of his properties. I was thinking, “Nice, maybe we’ll get to see the cops beat the shit out of this guy and cover it up by saying it was in self defense.”
Turns out when we got there the vagrant and his girlfriend were down in the basement with the landlord. Apparently she lives in the building and had gotten into an argument with her boyfriend the night before. Logically then he was exiled to the freezing cold basement for the evening. Because what normal person HASN’T gotten into a lover’s quarrel, got banished to the basement for the night, and woken up to an angry landlord, three cops, and Turtleboy? Happens to the best of us. Unfortunately the landlord and the vagrant both apologized to the police, and instead of bashing their heads in for wasting their time, the cops told them to have a nice day!!! What kind of bullshit policing is that??
So we were driving along and I found out about something called “community meetings.” Apparently police officers from all over the city meet with residents of the neighborhoods they police to – GET THIS – listen to their concerns!! Crazy right? I mean, here I was thinking the police were here to kill innocent civilians. Turns out they actually care what they have to say and they want to serve and protect them. Mind blown!!
Next we responded to a call in the Busgate part of town. Obviously I was aroused at the prospect of coming face to face with one of these Turtleboy legends. Anyway, members of the Worcester Police apparently collaborate with state cops and U.S. Marshals to find violent fugitives and arrest them. So we drove over to Vernon Hill and found two guys in cuffs. No doubt they were just about to turn their lives around and pursue their PhD’s. But before that they wanted to violate probation one more time for old time’s sake.
When we got there the Worcester cop and state trooper told us that they had come to arrest one of these model citizens for violating his probation. But they got themselves a 2 for 1 when the other genius decided to kick in the neighbor’s door with a pellet gun in hand, before fleeing on foot after the home dweller called the police. First they found this genius, and then they found the other guy sleeping on someone’s porch across the street. Because, why wouldn’t a known felon take a nap while his buddy broke into someone’s home with a pellet gun at 9:30 in the morning? That happens to normal people all the time.
Well it turned out that the genius had a fake gun on him, which of course he was taking a nap ON TOP OF. We don’t have guns in the Turtleboy household so it looked pretty real to me. But somehow the gestapo police resisted the urge to shoot this former honor’s student despite the fact that he was purposely brandishing a replica of a tool designed to kill people. I’m sure he was only using it to play cowboys and indians with his friends though.
So while everyone else is at work at 10 in the morning those guys who you see standing on the corner are getting ready for a long day of drinking and holding signs. The ACLU calls this “free speech,” which is misleading because they make $200 a day doing it. Anyway, it turns out the ones who hold the signs are the Mark Cuban’s of the substance abuse game. Many, many more people struggle to get through the day and go to local soup kitchens. Now I was under the impression that the police exist to exterminate these people. Turns out they want to HELP them. I know, fucked up right?
Seargent Towler and I went down to a soup kitchen on Temple and Green Street. I don’t care who you are, how much money you have, or what color your skin is. There is nary a Worcesterite who hasn’t been stumbling drunk at one point in their life on Green Street. The difference is it’s usually dark out when most of us have been in that situation. We got a call to come down there because apparently a woman was jammed up and passed out on the throne. It was 10:30 AM.
When we got there we met a guy named Billy Riley, from the legendary Worcester Riley family. The Riley’s INVENTED 19 Kids and Counting, and they’re a million times more interesting than the Duggar family. Billy runs the soup kitchen there and was clearly concerned about the woman but needed her out of there because she was more fucked up than Wes Welker at the Kentucky Derby, which apparently was upsetting everyone else.
Now based on what I’ve heard about the police I thought we’d go in there, sprinkle some crack everywhere, and beat the bag out of her while she yelled “I can’t breathe.” Instead Sgt. Towler and another officer calmly coerced the woman who had no clue what they were saying, into getting up. And then they just left her in the cold, right? Wrong!! Turns out they put her in the cruiser and brought her to Ad Care. What kind of bizarro world was I living in today? Cops helping a homeless person with a substance abuse problem get help? What planet am I on?
Next we drove past a bus stop where the Kelley Square entrepreneurs club meets every day for their 11 AM nap and group urination. Apparently Sgt. Towler and crew have been trying to scoot these people back to their busy day of holding signs so that decent and honest people can wait for the bus to go to work. When we drove by, instead of seeing a bunch of vagrants ruining the quality of life for everyone, we saw two women patiently waiting to go to their jobs. Turns out the police weren’t just harassing the bums who had been sleeping there for the fun of it. They were actually concerned with creating an environment where these nice ladies could get to work without having to sift through a sea of syringes and Mad Dog 40/40’s.
But I had seen enough of all this good will. I wanted to find out the truth about police brutality. Aren’t police taught to kill innocent civilians for no reason I asked? Nope. Much to my surprise they actually have frequent “in service training” sessions where they learn or go over arrest tactics, handcuffing techniques, and how to respectfully speak with citizens so as to avoid conflict and injury.
Ya got that? They actually CARE about not hurting people and treating other human beings with respect and dignity? I know, I know. I’m just as confused as you are right now. Wanna know what’s most fucked up about this? Sgt Towler told me, and I quote, “the last thing we want is someone getting hurt.” My head almost exploded when he told me that. I mean, upper middle class white people like Professor Sonya Conner have been telling me that they specifically TRY to hurt anyone who’s skin color doesn’t rhyme with “bite.” I thought a good day meant that cops gave each other high fives for shooting innocent people and pissing on their graves. You really let me down Professor Conner!!
And ya know how some times you see cops in places like Dunkin Donuts or Coney Island hot dogs? Well, it turns out they’re not just there to brag about all the innocent civilians they kicked the shit out of. Nope. Get this – they go there because they’re hungry!! Like real people!! Weird. So we met up with another police officer for some cooked food around noon. I asked if I could use his real name and he preferred not to. On Turtleboy you don’t get to pick you aliases though, so I’m gonna call him Cupcake.
Well the first thing I noticed about Officer Cupcake was that his index finger was in a splint. Surely he must’ve injured himself beating the shit out of nun or something. You can imagine the shock I felt when I found out that he had hurt himself trying to drag a car thief out of a car window after the guy had just crashed a car going 70 mph on McKeon Road. Why did he have to drag him out of the window you ask? Well get this – the guy wouldn’t get out when they told him too!!! Mind blown!! I was under the impression that criminals always follow orders. And OF COURSE the guy had a big ol’ knife on him. But cops are NEVER in danger when they apprehend criminals. Never.
I had to ask Sgt. Towler the really tough question too – doesn’t he ever feel the urge to shoot an unarmed altar boy like Darren Wilson did? When a suspect hides their hands in their shirt like several witnesses said Michael Brown had done, isn’t it true that they’re probably just reaching for the magic rabbit they have hidden in there? Boy was my face red when he told me about the time a nice young lady hid her hands in her shirt and out popped a handgun!! Luckily instinct kicked him and he grabbed the firearm that was pointed directly at him and he arrested the innocent, peaceful civilian.
I also wanted to know about body cameras too. I wouldn’t want one if I was a cop. Not necessarily because I plan on slaughtering the innocent, but more importantly because if I was alone in a car all day I would rip ass until the cows came home. Can you imagine the humiliation of having that presented as evidence in court? “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury – you will now see Officer Turtleboy using excessive force on the defendant. But first you will see him purposely giving himself the dutch oven and secretly liking it because he thinks no one is watching.” Nightmare.
These body cams are all the rage right now with the ACLU. The police obviously don’t want these things right? I mean, how are they gonna kill unarmed innocent civilians if they know they’re on camera? Oh wait, you mean they actually don’t have a problem with body cameras? They welcome them? But, but, but, aren’t they worried that all their murdering of innocent civilians will get them in trouble now? This changes everything!! I personally think it’s going to be hilarious when the ACLU realizes the whole body camera thing is actually going to help prosectors put criminals in jail instead of police officers. Oops!!
Anyway, I learned a lot today. I learned that police are actually regular people and not Hunger Games “peacekeepers.”I learned that they actually like (gasp) helping people!! And I learned that a Thursday morning in Worcester can be a lot more entertaining than I thought. I will say this though – I wanna do this again on the night shift. I heard things are a lot calmer at night, which is why the St. Louis prosecutor waited until the sun was down to announce that he wasn’t pressing charges against Darren Wilson.
Turtleboy needs a round two with the WPD.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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