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TurtleBoySports is running some reblogs from last year. They’re blogs from the website we purchased that got the most page views. Some of you might have read them already but they improve our SEO and you can enjoy them again. So if you’ve never read these, they’re like new blogs. If you have, well, it helps TurtleBoy’s page views, and you can be reminded that your source of hot takes was bought out by some fat cats who were for Big Oil. This particular blog’s question has already been answered. Nevertheless, interesting look back in time. Enjoy.

So let me get this straight….I leave town for the weekend and while I’m gone Uncle Ruslan came to Worcester???!!!!!

FML.

Uncle Ruslan is the greatest person ever. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, he was the rich uncle of the terrorists from Maryland who went on TV the Friday of the manhunt for Jafar, and famously called them losers, who disgraced their family and Chechen ethnicity after his wife opened up AOL and showed him what his loser nephews had done at the Boston Marathon. He’s in town because of the new distraction from the slots parlor debate: a local Worcester funeral director named Peter Stefan has agreed to bury his other loser nephew Timon.

The older moron brother’s slave widow Katherine Russell, has rejected the body. This is probably the best thing you can do if you are an American who decided to convert to a religion that goes out of it’s way to oppress women in order to marry a man who ended up killing women and children. So who gets stuck with the body? Not klepto-Mom. She can’t come back to the United States because she’ll be arrested immediately for shoplifting charges. That and she’s a delusional Chechen nutjob who thinks that the government set up her precious little terrorist boy. As I’ve said before, this is hardly her fault since police frame jobs are pretty much par for the course back in the homeland.

Nope, Uncle Ruslan’s once again the only one around here who’s gonna step up and take any responsibility. He’s a determined and successful man who doesn’t take s***, so you know this is the last thing he wants to deal with. Family is family. He has no choice but to man up and take care of this situation so we can all move on with our lives:

“Of course, family members will take possession of the body.”

I love the “of course” part of the quote. Uncle Ruslan doesn’t like stupid questions. You’re surprised he is taking possession of the body??? OF COURSE he’s taking possession of it you dumbass!!!! Even though he had a falling out with his idiot nephews years ago and hasn’t spoken with them, family is family. Someone’s gotta deal with this corpse, and if no one else is volunteering then Uncle Ruslan has to do what he does best: take care of business!!

When I first heard that Stefan was willing to do this, I was initially pissed off. Why the hell does it have to be Worcester? This is what we do now? Bury terrorists?

Then I started thinking about it a little more. Who cares? It’s a dead body. Yes, when the organs inside that body were functioning this person was the lowest form of life possible. But then he was run over by his idiot, recovering pothead of a brother, who took a break from playing Fifa soccer to kill a bunch of civilians and hide in a boat.

Dead bodies aren’t defendants. They are a collection of pieces of matter that will eventually disintegrate and cease to exist. So who gives a s*** where this idiot’s body is buried? Within months bugs are going to penetrate the casket and start feasting. Millions of the nastiest critters you can imagine will slowly decompose his body until it no longer exists.

And I’m supposed to be offended by this because the bugs live in Worcester?

Meanwhile the decision to take the body in by Stefan has become quite the controversy in Worcester and has once again brought out the absolute worst Worcester has to offer. As soon as Stefan made the announcement crowds of protestors began to appear outside of the funeral home. One local genius had the following to say:

“I will never step foot inside that funeral home again, I don’t want to even live in this state if he is buried here.”

A recent Facebook post of a protester named “Jennifer Marchand” recently said:

“JON N I ARE ON OUR WAY TO WORC, SEE U ON FOX NEWS!!!! ”

That kind of sums up who is down there protesting. A bunch of semi-literate goons whose goal is to get on Fox News by sensationalizing what will happen to a dead clump of cells. And yes, Jennifer Marchand is EXACTLY how you would picture her…..

If those aren’t two Rhodes scholars right there then I don’t know who is.

Another one had this to say on Facebook:

“should cremate his body, burn the bastard for all the lives he murdered, lives hes shattered… y should my “GOD” whom is a loving god give him a chance at the resurrection? burn him n dump him!”

Huh? I’m so confused. So if we cremate his body he won’t have a chance at resurrection? But if we bury it then God will give him a shot at coming back to life through a resurrection? OK.

I don’t understand what the fascination is with dumping him in the ocean. Will it make people feel better that his body is being decomposed by starfish and sea anemone instead of maggots and worms? I don’t get it.

The Boston Globe reported the following encounter:

The protesters’ ire was apparently misdirected this afternoon when they yelled at a family, including a man on crutches, who had come to the funeral home to pick up the ashes of a loved one.

“Go back to Russia,’’ one man shouted at the family, adding an expletive. The family, however, had no connection to Tsarnaev.

Yup, Worcester’s finest. Telling a poor disabled man who is picking up the ashes of a loved one to go back to Russia. This seems like a rational group of people whose grievances should be taken seriously. ($1 million says this moron has no idea what Chechnya is).

Another popular sentiment is that we should “Throw him off a boat like Osama bin Laden!” You know, like the body that none of us have seen thrown off in pictures yet? Just sayin’.

Here’s some of the other more obviously very smart people who have gathered on Main Street this week. Let’s see if you can see what is wrong with this picture:

Yes, the lovely lady behind the American flag isn’t aware that there is an “s” in Worcester. They’re also not aware that “Why” usually means a question is being asked, and requires a question mark. Instead of planning out their sign this person decided that they would just rip off a piece of cardboard and start writing, except by the time she finished writing “Why” she realized that she was almost out of space. Maybe that’s why she omitted the “s” and question mark?

Or how bout these patriots?

Ya got that? Don’t even think about burying him anywhere in the U.S. or the lady in the tight black pants will bring a shovel and unbury him. What she will do with the body at that point is unclear. Then there’s the guy with the Puerto Rican flag. Because Puerto Rico has EVERYTHING to do with a Chechen Muslim’s murder of 3 Americans and Chinese woman.

Or how about this guy?

 I definitely saw this guy at Kelley Square recently except his sign said he was a Vietnam Veteran who needs some spare change. No way this guy made this sign. It’s just not possible.

Look who’s back…

And our boy is back in this picture taken several hours later, except he’s double fisting a new sign and an American flag. Get your Jingo on boy!!!  He must have used a personal day today. Does he realize that sending Timon’s body overseas will come from tax dollars? Maybe he thinks we can just get a collection going at Kelly Square. Then there’s the lady with the “it’s a disgrace to our military” sign. I’m still trying to figure out how this disgraces our military. Does she think we’re burying him at Arlington National Cemetery? I don’t get it.

Meanwhile in Massachusetts recent primary for U.S. Senator, something that will affect all of our lives and the progress and future of our country, less than 12% of registered Worcester voters turned out to vote. Who do you think Jennifer Marchand voted for? I mean these people are really patriotic, as you can tell by the flags, so they obviously take part in the political process right? And they’re all free to hold signs all day so they must pay their fair share of taxes, correct?

And do you like the idea of a slot parlor coming to Worcester? If so, then get used to Jennifer Marchand and the crew because they’ll be there at least five times a week, ripping Marlboro Reds, and wearing their “Remember 9/11 shirts.” What better way to revitalize the city’s image than by attracting classy people  like this who yell at crippled widows as they receive their loved ones ashes?

Finally, Worcester Police Chief Gary Gemme couldn’t resist getting his cut on this one. He is basically trying to extort money from Stefan for the overtime required to “police” these idiots as they stand across the street from his legal business. Now, I certainly wouldn’t do what Stefan is doing, but someone’s gotta get rid of this body and apparently he’s the only one stepping up to the plate. Uncle Ruslan drove all the way up here just to meet this guy, so he can’t be that bad.

Gemme is trying to force Stefan to pay the tens of thousands of dollars that the Police Department is going to need to pay SIX police officers all day to control this rowdy group of Dunkin’ Donuts supervisors, Kelly Square bums, and little children with American flags. Never mind the fact that the funeral home is in the worst neighborhood in Worcester’s Main South district, and is heavily policed 24/7 already. Gemme can’t miss out on the opportunity to extort a little extra cash for his hungry police officers who are only making $140,000 a year without a college degree. (I apologize to all my good friends in law enforcement, but it’s not like Gemme would be giving you these details anyway.)

I’m glad to see that Worcester has once again made headlines for such a good reason. Hopefully this all gets resolved shortly so these nice people can get back to their busy lives of playing Keno and posting on Facebook about how patriotic they are. And most importantly, hopefully Uncle Ruslan enjoyed his time in Worcester and will appear on a guest blog in the short future. God I hope so.

So what do you think? Would you want this idiot terrorist’s leftover cells decomposed by bugs in your city? Feel free to share your thoughts or comments on this hilarious topic.

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