We’ve written about Chris Kluwe before. He’s the unemployed punter who was cut by the Minnesota Vikings last year. He claims he was cut because he is a loud mouth who fancies himself the leader of the LBGT rights movement. In reality he is an average to below average 32 year old punter who was set to make $1.4 million in 2013, so they replaced him with someone ten years younger who they could pay $400,000. Since punters are probably the most expendable players on the team this was probably just a good business decision by the Vikings right?
Wrong. At least according to Chris Kluwe.
After they let him go and he was not offered a job by ANY of the 31 other teams (including the Browns, Raiders, Bills and every other team where punters get lots of action) he decided to write an article for Deadspin claiming that he was released because the Vikings are run by “bigots.”
First of all, anyone who uses the word “bigot” or “misogynist” is probably an asshole. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone use those words who isn’t a serial complainer looking for something to bitch about. As evidence he claimed the special teams coach Mike Priefer made a homophobic comment about putting all the gays on an island and nuking them. Therefore Kluwe wasn’t released because he sucks. He was released because the Vikings wanna kill all the gays and he was standing in their way.
Ya got that?
So the Vikings ran an internal investigation and determined that Priefer had in fact said that and have suspended him for three games as such. They’ve also determined that Kluwe was replaced on account of him being very replaceable. Case closed right?
Wrong. Chris Kluwe is now suing Vikings.
Here’s the thing with Kluwe – he can’t shut the fuck up. He just can’t help himself. This whole thing became less and less about the LGBT community and more about Chris Kluwe as time has transpired. Look asshole, we don’t need to you be the voice of the gay community. First of all, you’re straight. Secondly we already have one “look at me” asshole named Macklemore who has claimed the rights to be the heterosexual spokesperson for the gay community.
I follow Kluwe on Twitter and so should you (@ChrisWarcraft). The man is such a dumbass hipster doofus that it’s entertaining. Twitter also enables you to directly message him, and you know he reads everything that comes his way because he is a self-centered dooshnozzle who lives for this shit. Plus what else is he gonna do all day besides play video games and promote his terrible “band?”
We wrote a few months back how he tweeted that supporting the Redskins team name was the same thing as supporting the Holocaust:
You know how else you can tell this guy sucks at life? He corrects people’s spelling and grammar on social media and takes pride in it:
There is nothing worse than the self-appointed grammar police on social media. We get it dude. People who message you to tell you what an asshat you are often don’t double check their spelling, therefore they are wrong and you are right. You are quite learned.
And if you want further proof that this is all about him, check out what he retweeted two days ago…
Isn’t this guy the hero that Gotham needs? I mean, he wrote a free column for Deadspin. Hand this guy the Nobel fucking Peace Prize now and get it over with!!
Well he’s gonna get his day in court and it should be awesome. Because he’s living in this fantasy world on Twitter and apparently he thinks the judge in his case will be an avid Deadspin reader. That’s the only logical way he can possibly think he’s not going to be laughed out of a courtroom.
The Vikings have the right to cut whatever player they wanna cut. If they did it because he’s gay then that’s one thing. But he’s not gay. He’s a straight guy that can’t shut the fuck up and writes for Deadspin. I mean, what NFL team WOULDN’T want one of their employees writing for a site that prides itself in irresponsible expository journalism?
Deadspin is the site that brought you the Brett Favre dick pics, and the Manti Te’o cat fishing story. What NFL team would want this in their locker room? Newsflash for Kluwe – you’re a punter. Your job is to shut the fuck up and punt the ball. The NFL is a league where you have to fight to make a roster every single year. Considering you are probably the most expendable player on the team, how about you just show up to work and keep your mouth shut? You wanna be an activist? Cool. Go occupy Wall Street. You wanna be an NFL punter? Then shut the fuck up and punt.
He’s claiming they’re doing this because of his views on gay marriage. Hey dillweed, if Adrian Peterson came out and made himself the champion of gay marriage do you think the Vikings would cut him? Nope. Because he is capable of doing his job much better than ANYONE else in the world. You on the other hand can be replaced by any scrub from the Big Ten.
Here’s another reason Kluwe is gonna get laughed out of the courtroom – the report indicates that he’s a complete hypocrite and a fraud. Turns out one of the coaches was a Penn State graduate, and Kluwe liked to direct Jerry Sandusky jokes his way:
Kluwe surprisingly does not deny he did this:
Oh I get it. Don’t you guys see? It’s fine that he did this because he’s making fun of little boys who were raped. Get it?? It’s funny because his coach went to Penn State, where raping boys is a ritual. The hole in the back of Kluwe’s shorts that he cut? Yea, there’s where Sandusky’s Johnson would go. See – it’s funny!! Because…child rape.
So when his coach Priefer made an ill-advised statement about nuking the gays, that had to be taken seriously. Clearly Priefer possesses a nuclear bomb and has the ability to round up the millions of homosexual people on earth and put them on a random uninhabited island. Obviously Priefer was NOT kidding around because everyone knows that you’re not allowed to make homophobic jokes.
But child rape jokes? Fair game bros. Everyone knows that. Plus, he’s got the “everyone else was doing it” defense, which should be rock solid in court.
Even his kicking brethren isn’t backing him up:
Blair Walsh just confirmed what everyone who follows Kluwe on Twitter or reads Deadspin already knows – this isn’t about any political causes, this is about Chris Kluwe staying relevant while living life as an unemployed punter.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.