Smiles And Sunshine

Vote For Who Should Advance In Ratchet Madness Fupasloth Region Round 1 Matchups 

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Are you ready for some ratchet madness? Because we have to eliminate 8 of these 16 ratchets today. We’re giving you links to stories on each ratchet, as well as a bulleted list of their credentials so that you can make an informed decision at the ballot box.

 

 

1) Alli Bibaud vs. 16) Worcester Juice Biscuits

Alli Bibaud

  • Has the “disease”
  • Got gigs as a toll booth worker where she filmed herself repeatedly, all fucked up taking people’s money
  • Frequently uses phrases like “money, cash, hoes”
  • Records herself driving around all fucked up
  • Got arrested for driving around all jammed with a bunch of heroin on her on I-190
  • Asked arresting trooper if he knew how many guys she had to blow to get that heroin (still undetermined)
  • Offered sexual favors in return for leniency
  • Mentioned her father during arrest, who is a judge in Dudley
  • Set off a chain of events that led to the resignation of four of the highest ranking members of the Massachusetts State Police, as well as an investigation by the Attorney General’s Office

 

 

 

 

 

 

Worcester Juice Biscuits

  • Posted videos driving with baby on father’s lap
  • Posted videos smoking blunts in bed with baby
  • Frequent usage of 100 emojis
  • Have a house full of WIC stuff they clearly are intending on selling
  • Maria Tascano has custody of one of her four children and Google trophies, which include prizes for assault and batter with a dangerous weapon, vandalizing property
  • She takes courthouse selfies during her frequent trips there
  • Jeremy Jack has Google trophies for assault and battery on a family member (her), violation of an abuse prevention order (on her), larceny over $250, and a whole bunch more

 

 

 

8) Logan Huysman vs. 9) Bellingham Porridge Receptacle

Logan Huysman

  • Found passed out in car in Cumberland Farm’s parking lot
  • Took five minutes to regain consciousness
  • Claimed to have been the victim of police brutality and sexual assault by cops in Burlington, VT
  • Video released after she went to the news shows her taking bong back from cops and running away
  • Cop gave her “notice of diversion” instead of arresting her, which she ripped up in front of his face
  • Told cops it would be there fault when she killed herself
  • Did cartwheels in parking lot before arrest
  • Asked cops to shoot her
  • Pretended to shoot imaginary gun at cops
  • Threw beer bottle at cops
  • Has previous history of humping cars in parking lot at graduation

 

Bellingham Porridge Receptacle

  • Long and documented history of being one of the most vicious and vile trolls on the Internet
  • After 4 year old boy was hit and killed by car in Milford she posted, “Who cares, one less illegal. No sympathy.”
  • Claims immigrants all haul rice and make mud pits for volleyball
  • Says she would sue her kid’s school if her son had to be in class with an autistic child
  • Attacked a deaf woman on Facebook for not being able to hear
  • Called deaf woman a retarded twatwaffle
  • Messages anyone who comments on blogs about her saying, “Fuck you illegal” and “cunt”
  • Has threatened multiple websites who have blogged about her, alleging Internet lawsuits for screenshotting the things she put on Facebook

 

 

 

 

 

5) Newportia and Weavisha vs. 12) Florida Methwaffle

Newportia and Weavisha

  • Got into legendary five minute walking brawl that takes place throughout several blocks in Brockton
  • Shoes take off and used as weapon
  • Eventually ended up in some guy’s driveway before one ran up to his porch seeking sanctuary
  • Crack falls out of one combatants pockets during fight prompting “Jules pick up my crack”
  • Introduced the “hoodrat helicopter” fighting maneuver
  • Have countless Google trophies as well as stints in MCI-Framingham under their belts
  • Jules started fake cancer GoFundMe

 

 

Florida Methwaffle

  • Made video at Tampa courthouse that went viral, alleging that they were not protecting his girlfriend’s baby daddy from sexual assault at the hands of the child’s father and paternal grandfather
  • Started GoFundMe after video went viral for “justice for Emma”
  • Got millions of idiots to support him
  • Started hitting on strange women who were supporting him
  • Forgot to mention that his girlfriend has no custodial rights, is pregnant again, and recently was filmed causing a huge scene in front of baby daddy’s house during visitation gone wrong
  • Forgot to mention that he has dozens of arrests for violent offenses and has spent time in jail
  • Forgot to mention that he has been arrested for failing to register as a sex offender
  • Claims mugshots and arrest records were photoshopped by the child’s father
  • Claims girlfriend didn’t abuse child, just “soft penetration.”
  • Posted about how much he hates n words
  • Attempted to retain the services of attorney Richard N. Vulva
  • Called FBI, cyber crimes, and tweeted at President Trump to intervene after becoming Turtleboy famous
  • Filmed himself getting kicked out of Sheriff Grady Jarrett’s office after they didn’t investigate his insanity
  • Got arrested after threatening to murder girl’s baby daddy on Facebook

 

 

 

 

4) Dartmouth Yogapoon vs. 13) Billerrica Baboon

Dartmouth Yogapoon

  • Bootleg south coast Kardashian
  • Runs a bootleg New Bedford yoga studio that resembles a sweatshop and almost definitely violates fire codes
  • Dates a 70 year old multi millionaire who owns half the south shore (including building her yoga studio is in) and has done time in federal prison for tax evasion
  • Threatens to sue anyone who bad mouths her bootleg business
  • Frequently calls clients “bitches” during class
  • Practices buti yoga in her studio, which they have no certification for, after competitor across the street began offering buti yoga
  • Drives around in Porsches, wears mostly Gucci, dresses like a ghettofabulous gypsy
  • Claimed that inability to teach buti yoga was a racial attack on her and her Cape Verdean instructors
  • Criticizes white women who owned other yoga studio for cultural appropriation, because yoga is not for white people to teach
  • Films herself shopping for clothes while drinking wine, and then discarding empty wine glass on floor
  • Films herself in bathing suit while shooting gun that fires out $20 bills, thus making it rain
  • Yelp reviews are a hilarious dumpster fire
  • Caught on video barging into competitor’s business across the street, acting ratchet as usual and causing a scene
  • Handed out hundreds of gift certificates for free classes, and then refused to honor them because business was losing money

 

Billerrica Baboon

  • Caught on video yelling racial and homophobic slurs at clerk in Lowell convenience store while wearing skull covered leggings
  • Bragged about being paid to perform oral sex on strangers
  • Claims to be from Billerica to sound less trashy, but really lives on the border in a section 8 housing
  • Has tons of Google trophies, including assaulting a police officer
  • Mug shots vary in range of emtions
  • Has non-custodial children
  • Video was so offensive it was flagged and taken down by Youtube

 

 

3) Norwood Spunktrumpet vs. 14) Dorchester Douche Dumplings

Norwood Spunktrumpet

  • Gets in Facebook fights with pretty much everyone
  • Called black woman “crispy ass hoe” and threatened to fight her, despite being 7 months pregnant
  • Claims to be “FARRRRRR FROM A COP CALLER”
  • Claimed that black people act so tough because of the “nasty color of there (sic) skin”
  • Isn’t racist because, a) her friend is black, and b) she changed her Facebook filter to “I stand against racism”
  • Wears “the hat”
  • Claims to be rich and has wealthy business owning father who also happens to be a police detective
  • Claims to have been “kind of a big deal” at Norwood High School
  • Came onto Turtleboy Live with epic ratchet performance
  • Later claimed it was not her on live, and that her account had been hacked
  • Told deskie that she hopes Turtleboy’s kids get tortured and wife gets gangbanged in front of him

 

 

Dorchester Douche Dumplings

  • Claim that only alternative to selling drugs is riding dirt bikes recklessly on public roads
  • Put posse together that caused chaos driving high speeds on Boston’s roads and sidewalks before jumping onto I-93
  • Were met with state police blockade, fled like rats, abandoned stolen bikes and ATVs, seven arrested, one shot in foot
  • Went onto Facebook saying “Fuck 12” while claiming to have been harassed for “no reason”
  • Claimed on video that “these n words tryna do crazy shit to us,” and that “we still gonna be out there with the ATVs, pull your 2 strokes out my n word”
  • Many own flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats
  • Several are over the age of 30, have multiple children, and still think driving around on dirt bikes in Boston is cool
  • Pose for glamour shots in Burlington Coat Factor parking lot

 

 

6) Worcester Quarters Hooker vs. 11) Kyle “Pure” Kennedy

Worcester Quarters Hooker

  • Messaged Turtleboy asking us to blog about break in at house
  • Claimed that thieves busted her back door window and stole $3,000 worth of quarters from her ouse that were earmarked for dog’s cancer surgery
  • Got Fox 25 News to fall for her story, leading to $20,000 in GoFundMe donations
  • Posted surveillance video showing 2 people in hoodies who knew not to go through front door, but neither was carrying anything that looked like $3,000 worth of quarters
  • Pattern of broken glass indicates glass was actually broken from inside, and the whole thing was probably orchestrated by her and crackhead friends
  • Turns out she’s a junkbox prostitute with multiple Google trophies
  • Tried to get impregnated by Legarette Blount in hopes of forcing him pay child support based on NFL salary
  • Ended up losing paternity battle and gave kid away instead

 

 

Kyle “Pure” Kennedy

  • Ghettofabulous Uxbridge hoodrat incarcerated for armed robbery
  • Frequently posts racial and sexual slurs on Facebook
  • Claims cops can’t get him, even though he’s in jail
  • Usually wears flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats when not incarcerated
  • Is friends with legendary Turtleboy ratchet Gabbi Hebert
  • Claims to be “stackin cheese while other n words hungry”
  • Likely was Aaron Hernandez prison boyfriend in Shirley
  • Aaron Hernandez left note for him after suicide that lawyer wants turned over
  • Wants $50,000 watch that Aaron Hernandez promised him before killing himself
  • Once legally sold his soul in juvey to another individual from Woonsocket
  • Frequently poses in ambiguously gay, homoerotic poses with shirtless, heavily tattooed hoodrat friends

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7) Lowell Beaver Bumper vs. 10) Pawtucket Xany Bunny

Lowell Beaver Bumper

  • Killed a dude in broad daylight in the middle of traffic and went home and bragged about it on Facebook
  • Career criminal who has been arrested several times for drugs and gun violations
  • Despite displaying tons of cash she also displays her EBT balance on IG
  • Was featured by the Lowell Sun in an anti-violence video
  • Father came on her Facebook page threatening to murder the families of turtle riders laughing at her

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Pawtucket Xany Bunny

  • Constantly looking to by Xanax on Facebook
  • Someone tagged Turtleboy in one of her posts so she assumed we sold Xanax and messaged us looking for the hookup
  • Retired stripper
  • Frequent use of the n word
  • Often uses ALL CAPS and has a broken period button on keyboard
  • Is an escort who frowns on other escorts who bring their children on dates with Johns
  • Has multiple arrests for crack cocaine
  • During biweekly overdose induced ambulance ride she freaked out on the paramedics, started taping them, ran to the news complaining about abuse, put on a blazer, pretended not to be a crackhead, and fooled them into thinking she was a victim

 

 

 

 

 

2) Dianne Kelly vs. 15) Holla Akbar

Dianne Kelly

  • Has absolutely no business opening up any sort of business but did so anyway with PURR Cat Cafe
  • Conditions that are unlivable for the cats in the basement and she does almost nothing to fix it
  • Claimed she would be getting cats from local rescue but never worked that out with them
  • We have no cats Kathleen
  • Called Kathleen a slut multiple times using PURR’s Facebook page
  • Spoke in third person as her cats using PURR’s Facebook page
  • Rescue organizations refuse to donate cats to her “non profit” because of this
  • Dianne publicly defames the rescue organization
  • Dianne never pays several “employees”
  • Posted pictures of kittens from Arizona on Facebook and pretended she had cats now
  • Passive-aggressively calls out all the haters using PURR’s Facebook page
  • Occasionally a sane person takes over the page and attempts to rebuild all the good will that Dianne has destroyed during her drunken trips to the keyboard
  • Dianne attempts to show that the business is legit by allowing people to live stream an open house, but it goes terribly when conditions are revealed to be deplorable
  • Dianne partners with an openly anti-semitic man who messages anyone badmouthing the cafe privately and says mean things to them
  • The opening date kept getting pushed back further and further and further, and those who had donated to her fundraiser never got their money back
  • Meow. Meow. Purr.
  • Cat Cafe finally opens up and police respond to call, finding her passed out drunk in bathroom next to bottle of wine and cat medication
  • Employee claims cats are missing and likely dead

 

Holla Akbar

  • Self described best rapper in Cape Cod
  • Makes ghettofabulous rap videos in dirt covered backyards and on playgrounds in Mashpee Section 8 housing
  • Claims he could beat any rapper in a battle but he can’t remember the words
  • Best friend is rapper Sauce Cobain
  • Arrested by Falmouth PD selling coke, despite having a child at home who he seems to basically ignore

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You have 24 hours to vote.

8 Comment(s)
  • Lily
    April 6, 2018 at 8:11 am

    What about Mary Magdelene McForbes? Why isn’t she on this list? Piece of shit.

  • 2wEntEe
    April 6, 2018 at 7:51 am

    Rachet is a plotter and schemer that collects benefits, cries victim and (if applicable) pretends to be a good parent.

    Alli is just a spoiled party animal brat.

  • I Have One Cat Kathleen
    April 5, 2018 at 11:44 pm

    poor alli isn’t going very far, that’s for sure.

    my votes:
    Alli, Porridge, methwaffle, yogapoon, Douche Dumplings, Pure, Beaver, Dianne.

  • Ole Rando
    April 5, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    Goddamn! The juice biscuit has some big fucking titties, but ugh, the FUPA is gross. Most ratchet: Alli Bibaud, no contest.

  • Borat cultural learnings
    April 5, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    The frequent commenter who goes by “pedojew” has a mom who is VERY strong on plow. Thank you. Khazakstan very grateful. Very nice! . She also has sleeve of wizard ‍♂️

  • Stunt Penis
    April 5, 2018 at 2:14 pm

    This article is way too long to read.
    I’ll vote for Alli, she’s not half-bad looking, decent body, and a ginger.
    plus that way I don’t have to read any further.

  • Sveska the Norwegian Herdsman
    April 5, 2018 at 11:53 am

    My sheep put on the Alli Bibaud face when they make sex. She looks like it is starting to rain drugs and she wants to catch them all in her mouth.

  • 2wEntEe
    April 5, 2018 at 11:05 am

    Alli Bibaud is a dumb little daddy’s girl who’s big mouth inadvertently exposed MSP corruption.
    I feel like she deserves a medal… and a year in jail.

    Has no children to put in jeopardy. Not a rachet. Just an entitled reckless fool.

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