Sports

Warning Patriots Fans: After Shooting At Cowboys Game We Are All In Danger Of Butthurt Revenge

It has come to this – the anti-Patriots butthurt has started a war on Patriots fans after a Cowboys fan shot another fan in the parking lot. 

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DeadspinA fight in the Cowboys stadium parking lot after their 30-6 loss to the Patriots tonight ended in a shooting, with the victim flown to the hospital and the suspected shooter arrested by police. Per Ft. Worth Star-Telegram Cowboys beat reporter Clarence Hill, the victim was shot in the head and is in serious condition.

The Star-Telegram reports that the fight took place in Lot 10 of the stadium parking lot about two hours after the game ended. After receiving a report of the fight police were en route when they heard the gunshot. The suspected shooter was arrested after he tripped over a retaining wall, and went to the hospital as well with injuries presumably sustained in that fall. According to The Dallas Morning News, the suspected shooter has been charged with with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. 

Hill adds this unsettling detail:

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Here’s my first question – where was Greg Hardy when this happened? You can’t blame these all on Hernandez anymore. That makes Greg Hardy the most likely to murder in the NFL.

This is what it’s come to. We kill their defense. They try to kill our fans. They hate us cuz they ain’t us so much that they’ve reached the point where they’re gonna start trying to wipe us all out. I’m sure we’ll talk more about this once we find out who was responsible for this, but I just wanted all Patriots fans to be on guard. It’s open season on us out there. This is what happens when you are blessed by God himself. This is what happens when our New England Patriots routinely emasculate and behead every other team in the league.

First they came for Bill Belichick and you said nothing because you are not Bill Belichick. Then they came for Tom Brady and you said nothing because you are not Tom Brady. Then they came for the fan who made the mistake of watching the Patriots facialize the Cowboys in Arlington and you said nothing because you do not know this man. Finally they will come for you and there will be no one left to speak up for you.

Just wanted to give you all a heads up. Be safe and never forget that God loves us more. I’m sure this will somehow be blamed on the Patriots. It always does.

P.S. We don’t actually know that one was a Cowboys fan and the other was a Patriots fan. But it only makes too much sense, so we’re going with that for now.

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7 Comment(s)
  • Rosi
    October 13, 2015 at 9:59 am

    Not for nothing but the PATS fans have not stayed quiet!!!

    • Skeptical
      October 15, 2015 at 3:31 pm

      Does you not being quiet mean you suddenly deserve to be shot in the head?

      How ridiculous. To you, simple words, winning, and bragging rights for a win precludes having moral, ethical, and non-primitive violent thoughts and actions. Congratulations.

  • BobnMic
    October 13, 2015 at 12:00 am

    America’s team?

  • danny
    October 12, 2015 at 10:49 am

    Oh god what year do we play Oakland in Oakland the land of real gangbangers that know how to shoot straight just stay home and watch on tv

  • Nanny
    October 12, 2015 at 7:23 am

    Booze & guns. ‘Murica.

  • EmfnT
    eric
    October 12, 2015 at 6:57 am

    Turtle, you are not the Onion. If you are going to write satire, you should state that at the beginning, not the end. The headline and entire article are misleading (intentionally, of course), and irresponsible (probably unintentionally?). Are we so butthurt over the butthurt that now we look for reasons to complain about it? More likely this was a fight between Cooter and Cleetus because Cooter was schtupping Cleetus’ girlfriend, who happens to both of their cousins. But I digress…

  • Jaime
    October 12, 2015 at 12:52 am

    It’s a fucking game, now people have to worry about going to an enjoyable Sunday afternoon football game! We are not safe any where! #ALLLIVESMATTER
    Americans should be ashamed we have let our Country get so out of control! What happened to “Love Thy Neighbor”? Just shaking my head

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