Hoodrat Heroes

Warwick Roast Queef Sandwich Swears She’s A Great Mom After Her And Baby Daddy Stab A Dude In Front Of Their Baby, Ratchet Express Comes To Defend Her Honor

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Strap up turtle riders because we are about to take you on a ratchet dumpster fire, Rhode Island style…..

 

Just to review:

  • Boy beats girl
  • Boy gets no contact order against girl
  • Boy impregnates girl
  • Girl continues to stay with boy because she’s “in love”
  • Boy and girl go shopping with baby
  • Boy and girl stab dude in front of baby
  • Boy and girl become Turtleboy famous

It that’s not a West Warwick love story then I don’t know what is.

I’m sure it’s just a one time thing though. It’s not like Kristian with a K has been arrested a billion times before:

When she put out an ad on Craiglist for a sperm donor she had no idea she’d get a resume this impressive.

It’s very surprising that an upstanding citizen like Jasmine Brown would take a break from working her doctoral thesis to be involved in such a heinous crime. After all, her face just screams, “National Junior Honor Society”:

And she’s a woman of many talents. Like…..using duck lips to hold a blunt with no hands

Posing for prego selfies in a two piece

And practicing her clam jousting skills

Shocking that someone who posts pictures like this as a 13 year old

Would end up 17 and pregnant. Never saw that one coming.

Oh, and of course she’s been a fan of “the hat” since before “the hat” became an international symbol of douchecanoes everywhere:

Most normal people would stay far, far away from social media after being publicly shamed by the cops on Facebook and being exposed as such a trashbag of a mother. Not this roast queef sandwich though. She did the smart thing and went right to Facebook:

Oh good, she still has the child. That’s swell. Luckily she’s fine. Because that’s who we were all concerned about. Not the baby who just witnessed her mother and father stab a dude, or the stabbing victim himself. We were concerned about her well being.

It’s OK though, because despite this unfortunate event she’s a “fantastic mother” who just “happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time”:

Could happen to anyone. Turns out it’s actually us who should be ashamed for being “rude.” Silly turtles. Sometimes Mr. Turtlebae and I take little turtle princess for a walk in the carriage on a 25 degree day and end up stabbing someone.

She makes a good point though. She’s completely innocent in this because as soon as she realized she was involved in a stabbing she ran. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Not make sure the victim is alive or call the cops. Just get the fuck out of there.

As you can see she claims right there that she did not kick the victim. Five minutes later……

Her court appointed lawyer is gonna love his latest dream client. Good thing confessions on Facebook are not admissible in court. Actually, scratch that – she doesn’t even need a lawyer. She’s gonna solve this one herself:

Calm down everyone, the kid didn’t witness the stabbing:

In other words, she temporarily abandoned her child in the freezing cold so she could assist her ramrod soft serve machine in the commission of a felony. That’s much better.

Then all of a sudden her story changed one more time because she suddenly remembered that she “did dushosit”:

Which I’m pretty sure is the Rhode Island version of “dindu nuffin.”

Once again, I’m shocked. After all, her father seems like such an upstanding individual himself:

It’s almost like ratchets end up breeding more ratchets.

As enlightening as her commentary was, what came afterwards was a cultural renaissance of learned scholars with advanced degrees in dog filters:

Oh yes, “learn the ropes.” Stabbing someone with your baby daddy in front of your child is all part of the learning curve. Shocking that a dog filtered teen mom would view the world this way.

Jessica Lynn Dalessio brought her A game as well:

Yea guys, it was a beautiful 25 degree day out. Perfect occasion to go for a walk with the baby and stab a dude. Why are all you rude people saying she should have her baby taken away. There’s nothing at all abnormal about bringing your child to a local neighborhood stabathon. Good thing she’s gonna be firing a couple shots out of her baby cannon in a few months too….

Then there was “Nikki Elizabeth,” who wisely does not use her last name on Facebook due to her vast collection of Google trophies. Naturally she spit a bang trophy or two out of her tampon tunnel, just like pretty much everyone who commented on Jasmine’s post:

She had a lot of brilliant things to say as well. Ya know, deviations of the usual stuff – “only God can judge”

“get off her dick”

“You can’t bash an 18 year old”

Insightful stuff like that. Because if you stab someone in front of your child you are exempt from Internet judgement so long as you haven’t turned 21 yet.

Next up in the slugrake parade was the “cops be writing fake shit in the arrest report” clamtraps:

If you start off your post by mentioning a recent arrest you had I am 1,000% more likely to take you seriously. Definitely.

Who’s next?

Oh good, Brianna is a hostess at Wright’s Chicken Farm. She must have good people skills…..

So many strong points being made in one legendary sentence. She’s absolutely right though. If you weren’t there to witness the crime you are exempt from judgement. That applies to juries and actual judges too. They weren’t there, therefore they can’t comment on her guilt or innocence. Something tells me Brianna is the hostess that gives you dirty looks when you ask for extra rolls at Wrights. Sorry, they’re just really delicious.

She’s well qualified though, so she won’t be at Wright’s forever:

Whoa, a high school graduate! And what were the odds a foul mouthed crotch nugget like this would aspire to become a CNA? You hardly ever see any ratchets in that line of work.

The party really got started when the fam showed up. Particularly Auntie Beaver:

Angela. Fucking. Beaver.

I’m dead.

What a prim looking star gazer she is:

You’re looking great girl!! The only thing more glamorous than a bathroom selfie is a collection of public transportation selfies:

You’ll never guess where she’s from……

Woonsocket. Because….of course Woonsocket.

The Beav has mastered the English language Woonsocket style….

Now use can’t leave Woonsocket!!

Auntie Beav was a magnet for the crowd that was shitting all over her niece, all of whom were basking in the fact that for the first time in their lives they were able to look down on someone:

We got a grizzled Woonsocket veteran skagbag vs. an up and coming dog filtering, duck facing teen mom in training.

Who ya got?

I got Auntie Beav. She looks like she’s thrown down over a winning Keno ticket and the last Newport Light before. Plus, her hoodrat reputation is already well established in these streets:

After the dust was settled there Alli Curtis decided it was her time to deliver some pearls of wisdom:

Yup, eye witnesses make mistakes all the time. Sometimes you see someone stab a guy right in front of you, but what you’re really seeing is a loving family tickling a stranger in front of a baby.

Last but not least and bringing up the caboose in the ratchet express was Amber Lee Goodenough:

She had a lot to offer, because just like the her roast queef sandwich friend, she has great taste in yogurt slingers:

Turns out people who were casting judgement were “mad ignorant” because you “can’t stop something you don’t know is going to happen.” Plus the cops make shit up:

Yea, how would Jasmine have ever known that her boyfriend had violent tendencies? It’s not like he’s beaten the shit out of her, has a no contact order, and a variety of other violent arrests.

 

This was totally out of character.

Plus, why y’all be judging muh girl? Amber never be judging nobody for being a bad mom:

4 Reelz!!

Plus, why shouldn’t she stick with him? He’s the child’s father:

And by “father” she means, “enjoys the warm sensation of raw dog.”

Anyway, it’s just mind boggling how many of them there are who think like this. Their ability to reproduce on demand never ceases to amaze me. And all the sex ed and free birth control and Planned Parenthood’s can’t stop them from doing what comes naturally – raw dog. Sweet glorious raw dog. Let’s pray for the innocent child’s sake that Mom and Dad go to jail for a long, long time, and the poor baby gets a second chance at life with normal parents who don’t stab people in front of her.

 

18 Comment(s)
  • juror seven esq.
    February 7, 2018 at 9:00 pm

    Careful Alyssa Lima you gave Auntie Beav your address. She’ll be coming at you. Just needs to work out the bus schedule.
    Edith St., do I take the # 11 bus from the project and transfer one stop after the methadone clinic to the crosstown shuttle that use to run every half hour? I use to use that shuttle when I visited my ex at Cranston ACI.
    Anyway is 10 Edith St. on the odd or even side of the street?

  • Chuck
    February 7, 2018 at 8:14 pm

    I deliver food to 90% of the featured commenters and criminals in this post and i am in stitches.

  • Yuck
    February 7, 2018 at 4:13 pm

    Fucking bunch of skeezer hoebags…WTF?

  • Send them all away
    February 7, 2018 at 1:10 pm

    If you need our money to raise your kids then it should be better controlled. We need institutions where these mothers are forced to go without baby daddy, where they have their hand held and proper structure. Give them a limited amount of time to go to school or learn a marketable skill. Teach them how to be a parent, how to cook, clean and budget properly. Everything their own parents failed to teach them. If they refuse to participate they can leave and give up their baby to a family who wants them. If young girls even older women who abuse the system knew they where facing such and institution instead of handouts far fewer babies would be born to them, or at least they would give them up right away and give them a fighting chance.

    Maybe this sounds harsh but if you really think about it if a mother loves her child like she should she would do anything for them. Mothers who deserve their kids would be greatful for a chance to become self sufficient. They would sacrifice their own selfish wants to better themselves for their children.

    These people don’t deserve to be handed money every month to do whatever they please. This way, if you get knocked up you don’t get to even touch a dollar bill until you’ve proven you can be responsible and provide for your family. Until them someone will provide your necessities like you are still a child yourself. You don’t get to go party or rip butts all day. And if baby daddy really cares he will get himself together, work hard and set up a home for his family and well if they no longer need government assistance than they can go. I really think something drastic is the only way to fix this system. Even girls from good families learn if they don’t like their parents rules and don’t want to go to college they can just get pregnant and live off of the government forever. It’s shameful to think what our country will look like just a few generations from now.

    • Well, No Shit
      February 7, 2018 at 6:24 pm

      Like Job Corps, but for ultra-ratchets.

      I like it!

      • Send them all away
        February 8, 2018 at 1:49 pm

        I honestly think we could get to this point, if the government started out by cracking down and giving everyone two years to be off of all assistance. Start by actually using the pictures on people’s food stamp cards, if someone else tries to use it the cashier takes it away and you get reported and lose them that day for good. Make it so they can only purchase meat/fish that is under 2$ a pound, no chips, candy, soda. Make them attend a weekly class to learn how to shop and cook to feed healthy children, where they present their receipts and are reprimanded if they didn’t buy enough fruits or veggies. Same with their welfare checks, no more cash withdrawals, you have X amount for clothes, toiletries, bills, snacks for the kids, etc. you use your card (with picture) for every transaction, save your receipts and again have weekly classes for each necessity that oh cannot provide for yourself and family. Make it so these people have to spend 40 plus hours a week in a classroom, cleaning up the city. Make it so they have these teachers stopping by unannounced every few days to make sure clothes aren’t being sold, kids aren’t being abused, baby daddies are staying out of government sanctioned housing. You screw your chance up one time you lose all freedoms and get to go to one of the aforementioned institutions and you can leave when you can support yourself and family.

        If we made it difficult for these people to get assistance, make them work for it far less people will even be able to be on it. Im not saying to be mean or harsh either. I genuinely believe some of these people just need some strict guidance. It’s would be like how your parents take care of you, you go to school, clean your room, chores, learn how to maintain a household, you have to abide by their rules until you can make it on your own. Yes it’s frustrating, can feel demeaning, but it motivates you to get out on your own. That’s something missing in these people’s upbringing, going out on their own is easy as long as they procreate.

  • The American Taxpayer
    February 7, 2018 at 10:52 am

    Psyched that I get money taken out of my paycheck to keep this sort of riff raff fat, dumb, and happy. We are a great country.

  • Brad
    February 7, 2018 at 10:16 am

    Sometimes when I read these stories it reminds me of all of my skanky coworkers when I was home for the summers working retail. Even though they will always have a special place in my heart I sure am glad that I usually wrapped it.

  • JoeMomma
    February 7, 2018 at 9:25 am

    Send her to Japan……

    They harpoon whales over there.

  • TortugaNino
    February 7, 2018 at 8:44 am

    I know I don’t have all the answers but I’m going to go ahead and say that the fact this woman is “weeks away” from graduating a CNA course and incapable of properly spelling LICENSE…probably part of the issue.

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 7, 2018 at 8:01 am

    Its unreal how much some of the turtle boy writers will run with a story. Did we need to see everyone who commented on her status? A random picture of a her dad who “looks like an upstanding citizen himself” what the fuck was the point of that? Just shows once again why this will always be a junior site until it gets some real writers and provides some actual content. Also getting your facebook taken down twice a month isnt good. Especially when your blogs are barely getting 1k views

  • February 7, 2018 at 7:36 am

    What a bunch of immature loosers. I can’t believe these will be the future adults. Please stop having children & move to Florida where you belong. Morons

  • Well, No Shit
    February 7, 2018 at 6:55 am

    For the fucking love…

    Every single person in that story should headbutt a steak knife. Repeatedly.

    I hate these trashbags. All of them.

  • Hugh Jass
    February 7, 2018 at 6:52 am

    Not since DeDe crushed the TB FB biz plan have I seen such a devastating takedown… DeDe appreciates your groveling IMs begging her to call a truce. But she kindly declines. Snicker…

    • Sharon Cox’s huge ass
      February 7, 2018 at 6:26 pm

      Sharon Cox, the nice men in white suits are coming to get you. They’re there to help.

  • Hughbo Mont
    February 7, 2018 at 6:40 am

    tl;dr

    • Smh
      February 8, 2018 at 7:20 am

      Makes sense, you couldn’t handle more then one word. Loser

  • Smh
    February 7, 2018 at 6:08 am

    Stop taking pictures of your tongue! Grow the hell up. Your a mother now. Time to stop sticking your tongue out all day, you look like a straight up idiot. Won’t be long till this baby is living with strangers. Keep up the great work mom

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