All-Star Criminals

Westport Cops Looking For Dude Who Demanded A Hiker Pleasure His Jurassic Pork And Then Chased After Him Buck Naked When He Declined

Westport Cops Looking For Dude Who Demanded A Hiker Pleasure His Jurassic Pork And Then Chased After Him Buck Naked When He Declined

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WPRI: Police are working to track down a man who they say exposed himself and demanded sex from another man in a wooded area of Westport. Police said they responded Wednesday to Brookside Conservation Trail off American Legion Highway after they were contacted by the victim. The victim told police he tried to run away, but the suspect followed him along the trail while exposed. He was eventually able to make his escape and contact the authorities.Police on Friday identified the suspect as Philip Lafond, 53. They said he stands about 5-foot-11 and has tattoos on his neck and legs. His vehicle is described as an older-model Jeep Cherokee with Massachusetts registration 3ZB645 and his last known address was in Acushnet, police said.

Don’t you hate when that happens? You’re trying to go for a nice relaxing trail hike, and the next thing you know this face pops up out of the bushes and demands that you go to town on his vomit rod?

Here’s my question – how long was this guy waiting there naked? And how did he keep it hard? Seems like he’s pretty dedicated to his craft. Because I would imagine you have to dedicate a good chunk of your day if you set up shop in the woods and wait for the next contestant on the Let’s Make a Feel. And when that guy gets there, you better be willing to perform. Because what if he says yes? Then what? You gonna be the crazy naked guy in the woods who talks a big game but can’t finish the job? Hey bro, I said I’d do ya. Gimme something to work with or I’m signing for Crossfit.

Anyway, this guy is everything you dreamed a naked guy running after you in the woods would look like:

And even though Phil LaFond is a wanted man, it’s not stopping him from posting on the Facebook machine like it’s going out of style.

Phil’s one of those guys who shares stories about the local boob who’s trying to bang 15 year olds:

But don’t worry, Phil’s not shady like that. He only tries to shove his jurassic pork down your gullet if you’re male and of age.

So yea, if you’re in the Westport area and you think you’re going for a hike, you better make sure you’re fast, or really, really horny. Because Uncle Phil is out there, and he’s been prepping his bologna baton all day just for you.

 

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21 Comment(s)
  • September 4, 2017 at 5:21 pm

    great post, very informative. I’m wondering why the other specialists of this sector do
    not notice this. You should continue your writing. I am confident,
    you have a huge readers’ base already!

  • Fucking Fags
    August 7, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    Faggot ass faggot, biker blow job Queen faggot, butt fucking homosexual Harley Davidson Douche Bag, Dick Sucker.

    If this man jumped out of the bushes on a hiking trail and demanded you suck his penis, what would you do? If you used violence would that be gay-bashing? These rapists can go to hell, usually they pick on women or kids like Penn State or the Boston Archdiocese. But this homosexual rapist targets grown men, hope his next victim is carrying concealed.

  • Alma
    August 7, 2017 at 9:05 am

    Gee Phi, it couldn’t possibly be that your overcompensating by dressing up in your silly biker costume, could it? Big tough guy really just wants to kiss pee pees.

  • Barney Miller
    August 7, 2017 at 4:56 am

    Holyoke is the worst for this. Try hiking Mount Tom without being bothered. Figures the mayor is a Turtle Boy regular – Alex Morse – pathetic.

  • Rick Watson
    August 6, 2017 at 2:56 pm

    His name is Phil LaFondle.

  • Mack
    August 6, 2017 at 9:25 am

    Imagine what he has done in the past & not been caught.

  • you think you know somebody
    August 6, 2017 at 8:48 am

    Biker guys explanation is going to be priceless.

  • Buster
    August 6, 2017 at 8:46 am

    The cops leave them alone by order of Pee Wee Patrick. That’s why our Lieutenant Governor crashed his car on I190 after a visit to Pickle Park on Rt. 2. Wearing his jammies. Baker is to RINO to give the State cops the OK to bust some heads.

    • chris charbonneau
      August 8, 2017 at 10:53 am

      Your insane

  • Cooper
    August 6, 2017 at 8:43 am

    Maybe he just wanted to play bum darts or tummy sticks.

  • They call me Ponch
    August 6, 2017 at 8:32 am

    Maybe he got bit by a snake and it was a life or death situation?

    Maybe he needed someone to suck out the poison?

    Bruh, you gonna die.

  • Kevi
    August 6, 2017 at 8:06 am

    Wait so the hiker just left the poor guy hanging?

    • ElJefe72
      ElJefe72
      August 7, 2017 at 2:17 pm

      No, he stiffed him.

  • BiggusDickus55
    August 6, 2017 at 7:48 am

    Description of suspect: “One eye, bright red face, wearing a turtleneck”. Be on the look out.

    • Incontinentia Buttocks
      August 6, 2017 at 10:24 am

      Height five inches, but not if it’s cold out.

  • Sonny's Mom
    August 6, 2017 at 6:50 am

    Or bring a retired MWD, preferably a Malinois.

  • Stunt Penis
    August 6, 2017 at 6:36 am

    Is the Brookside Conservation Trail one of those areas where gay men meet up for anonymous hummer exchanges, like rest stops along the highway used to be years ago before the cops cracked down on perverts? Might explain a lot.

  • Livesinlowell
    August 6, 2017 at 6:17 am

    Gay and Harley rider, does this make him a fag or just bike-curious like Butters?

    • Gandolf the Gay
      August 6, 2017 at 8:04 am

      Gays have everyone convinced they are funny, smart, victims of all the straits. The original hostility towards gays got started because of acts like this. Surprised he isn’t a soccer coach.

      He probably does this all the time and finds willing subjects. They say don’t blame the victim, if you find yourself on East pickle sniffer trail, get the hell out of there and don’t worry about offending the gay community on the way out.

      A geriatric gay rapist biker gang, that would be scary, maybe this explains the fondness for leather.

  • Lou P
    August 6, 2017 at 2:50 am

    Get your fill from Phil

  • BobbyBruno@kittymail.com
    August 6, 2017 at 12:56 am

    Where da hos at

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