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So I was planning on going to the New England Patriots playoff game with the Indianapolis Colts on Saturday. Had tickets and everything. But you know what? I just don’t feel like going. As a matter of fact, I would really not look forward to it at all. Some of you might be asking,

“What the f*** is wrong with you moron?”

That’s a GFQ right there. I never thought I would come to this point, but the sad part is, I’m not the only one. The other local boobs I was planning on going with really didn’t wanna go either. But we all love the Pats. I’ve watched every minute of every game since I can’t remember when. If the don’t win the Super Bowl this year it will be absolutely devastating. It will effect my quality of life for a good fortnight if they do. So what the hell is wrong with us?

The answer is absolutely nothing. Here’s my many reasons for not wanting to go to the game:

• Cash money. It’s just not worth it. $70 for nosebleed season ticket holder seats. Dead last row. $40 for parking. $8 a beer. Food, gas, fines for mooning. It all starts to add up. Or I can just drink a bunch of keystones and have my wife drive me home. Mooning is still highly likely though.
• I can see the game a lot better by watching it for free on a giant high definition TV.
• Time. It’s not just the game you’re going to see. This monopolizes the entire weekend. Can’t go to the UMass game Saturday.
• Can’t watch the first playoff game since I’ll be tailgating.
• Won’t get home until 2:00 AM after sitting in Route 1 traffic with nudniks from Quincy for several hours after the game.
• It will affect my entire next day since I’m old and need 36 hours to recover from hangovers. Sunday would literally be the biggest waste of time possible, which will carry into work on Monday. Then my whole week gets screwed up from there.
• The weather is actually supposed to be nice. Mid to low 40’s with rain. But the weather in my buddy’s basement will be a solid and constant 62 and we won’t get all wet. The bro hugs after each of Tom Brady’s four touchdowns will keep the room nice and hot – much like the takes that will be delivered post game.
• Bob Kraft’s goons are cracking down on the use of the pee tent.

So yea, I think I’m good with going to games in general. What’s the point? Being around a bunch of strangers so you can high five them? Having a cool story to tell my son one day? He’s just gonna end up rebelling against me by joining the ballet anyway. Watching one of the lamest crowds in the NFL pretend to like football?

Watching the 8,000 red club seats in the 200 sections remain half filled while the wine and cheese crowd stays inside to avoid the elements? Newsflash: those people can’t afford those seats because they’re morons. They sit their because they’re the fittest for survival. If they’re inside, watching the game on TV’s, then it’s obviously an adaptation that the rest of us will soon learn.

Look, last week the Bengals, Colts, and Packers couldn’t sell out their games and ended up being bailed out by a bunch of banker sugar daddies. Get used to stuff like that. There’s no point going to the games anymore people.

So what do you think? Home or at the game? Leave a comment. Especially if it’s inflammatory.

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To follow Turtleboysports via email just click on “Follow” on the lower right hand corner of the screen and enter your email. The hot takes will then be delivered to you hot off the press.