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Some day you will tell your children where you were on this day. Today was the day that Uncle Turtleboy won the Nobel Peace Prize by negotiating a peace treaty between the ultimate Turtleboy nemesis (Kevin Lynch) and Bret Killoran and the blog itself. We started off with some technical difficulties (fupa computer) which required doing 3 takes of the show. But it was all worth it for the last 40 minutes.
Kevin Lynch has done a lot of damage to our brand on Facebook. He has harassed our advertisers relentlessly. He admitted tonight that he spends 3 hours a day reporting us to Facebook. You may think that Didi Delgado is the reason our pages keep coming down, but she’s likely moved on by now. Kevin Lynch never moves on. He is the reason we do not have our pages, and he takes pride in it. This is our Vietnam War. We might be bigger and more powerful, but we are dealing with an enemy with nothing to lose that will not quit. At the end of the day, what the fuck does America care about a jungle in Southeast Asia. You have to pick your battles, and this one just wasn’t worth our time anymore.
Sure, we could keep declaring war on him, but what’s the point? We have so many more bigger fish to fry. And the fact of the matter is that he’s a giant pain in the ass that we really just interferes with what we’re trying to get done.
So tonight when he called in it started off bad. Around the 50 minute mark you hear him screaming and yelling about guns and killing people. Not even sure what he’s talking about. Something about Whitey Bulger being a child molester. Something about the a turtle rider sending him child porn. Something about calling the cops on the Worcester Police. We stopped trying to make sense of it. He did most of the talking. It really is a must listen.
But by the end UT had brokered a historic peace treaty in which:
- Bret agrees to never mention his perpetually 15 year old niece, and promises to never threaten to do inappropriate things to her.
- In return Kevin agrees to stop reporting our Facebook pages.
Both parties agreed. You heard the audio. And some day you will tell your children about what you witnessed today.
5 Comment(s)
I thought it was common knowledge that Whitey was a cross dressing chomo, but that’s neither here nor there. When you reached this historic agreement, my jaw dropped so far that I had to call an excavator to remove it from beneath my basement this morning.Great job, guys! Let’s hope he keeps up his end of the bargain! And a happy belated birthday to Matty !
He’s still a fat sack of murdering pole smoking shit.
Brett for Governor! Handle that frumpo excitement for excitment. Curious, thought heard Brett say he’d remove all Kevin shyt from his FB pages. Is that a term and condition of the peace accord?
Additionally, how will TBS know if KevKev isn’t still pounding the block/bitch FB button? If at the next FB ban/timeout announcement (and hoping not), should the team check in with KevKev and see if he is honoring the agreement?
Something tells me he will readily admit it if it was him since he is pretty emotional about shyt. Wow, is he emo. Last, I would not discount DiDi and her feel good troop. That kind of ideology is like cockroaches, it keeps lingering.
Enough for post-battle thoughts, good job gents!
A morning of wonder and glory. Totally worth waking up for.
Admittedly the show didn’t get off to a great start. Mired with technical difficulties due to a fupatop and Uncle Turtle unable to remedy the situation by switching to his faptop (because mixing business with pleasure is like shitting on your own doorstep), the audience were left confused.
Then came the moment that Kevin joined Uncle Turtle and Bret to the virtual table. Heated words were exchanged and criticisms were made. Then there was a sense of calm as everyone seemed to reflect on the futility of it all. So much time and energy wasted on both sides and it’s not getting anyone anywhere. Calmer words were exchanged and agreements made.
What a beautiful ending. I hope you boys keep it up. I’m sure Kevin can fill three hours of his day with more fruitful pursuits and Uncle Turtle will be able to quit making replacement pages.