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So I’ve been watching a lot of Sopranos reruns lately, and last night the final episode was on. It’s only the second time I’ve seen it somehow. I was just so pissed off when I saw it the first time I had no desire to ever see it again. I was pretty convinced it was the worst ending ever. Raise your hand if you watched it and started freaking out when the TV screen inadvertently went to black right when it seems like shit was about to go down. OK now put your hand down weirdo.

I wanted to get some closure after seven years and did a little reading about the meaning of the final ending…..

Actually learned something too. The writers have never said what happened to Tony, but the consensus seems to be that Tony is dead. The entire last scene is seen through Tony’s eyes. Every time someone opens the door the bells jingled and Tony’s eyebrows go up and we see what he sees. The camera focuses on the guy in the Member’s Only jacket, who continually looks at the Soprano family before we last see him going into the bathroom. If you’ve seen the Godfather, then you know how that usually ends up. When he would’ve emerged, Tony would’ve been the first one in his line of sight.

During the last scene Meadow spends five minutes trying to park her car. They’re not doing this because they wanna point out the scientific fact that women can’t drive. They were doing it because they wanted her entrance to be the last sound Tony ever hears. When the screen goes to black, THAT is what Tony sees. Nothing. He’s dead.

If that’s the case then it makes a little more sense at least. But it doesn’t change the fact that the writers are arrogant dooshnozzles. I spent seven years of my life watching that show, and then they want ME to interpret the ending? Get the fuck out of here. I paid $40 extra a month for HBO. I don’t wanna think. Show me what happens you artsy little jagoff.

With that being said, the Sopranos was still awesome because no show had ever been made like it before. Everyone is fascinated with the Sicilian Mafia since The Godfather, and On The Waterfront hit the silver screen. The Sopranos was awesome because of three major characters in this order: 1) Paulie, 2) Christopher, 3) Ralphie.

Ralphie was a loose cannon who was destined to be killed. He literally offended everyone he ever came in contact with and only had value to Tony because he brought home the bacon. The only way he could possibly be killed was over a horse. Here’s his best quotes:

Christopher was hilariously stupid, but was a great killer who balanced major drug addictions, and was never wrong in his mind. But Paulie Walnuts was easily the best. Top five characters of all time in any show. Period. He should have had his own spin off show where he just goes around collecting money. He’s the only major character who survives. He’s the man in every sense of the word.

He’s also a weirdo that likes to smell his friends wive’s underpants, hang Tony’s picture in his apartment, and is under the impression that his Mom is his Aunt. But when bills needed to be collected, or young punks put in line, there was no one better in the business than Paulie. When Christopher and Paulie got together, there was no stopping them. Here’s their greatest moments:

With that being said there are too many memorable scenes from the Sopranos to list them all here. So many people got killed in so many great ways that I could never do it justice. So I decided to list the top 10 FUNNIEST scenes in Sopranos history. Without further adieu, here they are….

10) Phil Leotardo gets whacked.

Just phenomenal. Kids crying in the back seat. Wife losing her mind leaves the keys in the car as it runs over her dead husband’s face. Just the sound it makes as his skull cracks, the way the babies smile when it happens, and the reaction of the black kids watching it is priceless.

9) Tony confronts Meadow’s Black/Jewish boyfriend.

Now I’m not racist, but I’ve never liked Tony more than I did during this scene. I absolutely hated this stupid boyfriend of hers from Columbia. Some 19 year old Ivy League rich dooshnozzle who likes to use big words to make himself sound smart. I wanted to punch him in the face during all of those terrible scenes they had in the dorms when he tried to play psychiatrist with Meadow’s insane roommate. I always thought Tony was a bully, but the fact that this snot nosed kid didn’t fear Tony at all to just walk into the house of a known mob boss and just shoot the shit with him, knowing that Tony knows that he’s trying to deflower his daughter, just pissed me off to no end.

8) Everyone makes fun of Ginny Sacromone’s weight problem.

She’s so fat her blood type is Ragu. Brilliant Silvio. Brilliant. Unfortunately Ralphie makes one crack about a 90 pound mole on her rump and he gets in trouble for it. Classic double standard for Ralphie.

7) Paulie makes fun of Vito and Bobby B.

This was easily the funniest line I will ever remember from the Sopranos. Pure genius whoever wrote that one.

6) Phil Leotardo contemplates killing Tony.

I find this scene funny purely because I know who the Shah of Iran was. And he looks EXACTLY like Phil Leotardo. Pure genius.

5) Coach Houser tries to stand up to Paulie Walnuts.

Love this scene. Another guy who obviously doesn’t understand what Paulie is all about. My favorite line from the scene is when the Coach calls them guides, and Paulie says, “My name is Clarence.” Phenomenal. Anyway this guy was dying to get whacked (no pun intended). Previous to this scene he told Silvio to get off of his soccer field and he made Meadow run laps when she told him to go f*** himself.

4) Tony talks to Dr. Melfi about homosexuality.

It’s funny because in the Mafia Tony was considered the tolerant one of Vito’s homosexuality. He was willing to look past all the unmentionables and focused on the bottom line: Vito was a great earner. I loved the reference to Rick Santoronium. This was like 6 or 7 years ago and Santorum is still doing his thing by firing up people like Tony who just aren’t down with homosexuality. Tony clearly isn’t the most tolerant of gays or “trans-whatevers.”

3) Bobby B becomes Santa Claus.

Classic Paulie line there. “The Boss o’ this family told you you’re gonna be Santa Claus. You’re Santa Claus! So shut the f*** up about it.”

2) Paulie and Christopher lost in the woods.

This is by far the best episode ever. They go to whack this Russian guy and he ends up beating them with the shovel he’s supposed to dig his grave with so they spend the rest of the episode cold in the woods looking for him. And the ignorance of these two was never funnier than this phone conversation. Funny that Paulie thinks Chechnya is the same thing as Czechoslovakia, because so many people around here did after the Marathon bombings. Also hilarious that he thinks “decorated” in the military means your living room looks good.

1) Intervention

This is easily the greatest scene from the Sopranos ever. I could watch this over and over again. And I have. And it never gets old. Psychotherapy is just something that these old school dudes are so generally opposed to. Talking things out was never really their thing. But they give it a shot and all hell breaks loose. Let’s be honest, this was the only possible direction this scene could have gone in.

What’s really messed up is that Christopher tells Tony in this scene that he’ll die at the age of 50 from a heart attack, which is exactly what happened to Gandolfini. TVFU.

So any funny scenes I forgot about? Feel free to leave a comment to keep the conversation going.

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