So we turn to local high school baseball, softball, and, for the pansyasses Long Island wannabes, lacrosse to fill our time. So we get ready for a day at the ballpark and find that those bastards at the MIAA are charging between $7 and $10 to watch our sons, daughters, and students play a high school game.

Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely asinine? Clearly I brought a whole bunch of markers of different colors with me to give myself a phony stamp on my hand that easily fooled the 17 year old girl guarding the re-entry point, so this doesn’t directly impact my wallet. However, there are thousands of parents out there who do not have access to the 15 different shades of markers that I do who are forced to pay these ridiculous prices in order to watch their daughter play softball.

For those of you who don’t know, the Massachusetts Interscholastic (Asshole)  Athletic Association has served as the fun police for Massachusetts high school athletes since Satan sent these people up from hell its inception many many years ago. Those of us who played under their iron fists had to keep our drinking and pot smoking a secret from them in order to retain our eligibility. Oh, and don’t even think about talking during a foul shot or wearing a tiny earring while participating in the high jump. These dickheads will quickly have you removed from the game or disqualified from your event. You want to celebrate a touchdown by spiking the ball, chest bumping a teammate, or urinating on the face of the cornerback you just toasted? Sorry pal, you better get your ass to West Texas, because it’s not happening here.

Before we get to the money that these cheats and liars steal, let’s talk about their attack on fun. I will assume that they don’t like high school kids drinking because they were never invited to any parties in high school. I fail to see how a 17 year old golfer from Dedham High School smoking a cigar during a game with dad on Saturday afternoon or a Lunenburg High School Quarterback drinking a 12 pack of Natty Light before deflowering the prom queen after a big win over Narragansett tarnishes high school sports.

As for the jewelry thing, I have seen kids disqualified from events over earrings that you need a microscope to see. Shockingly enough, I have never seen a kid from St. John’s disqualified for failing to take off his chain before a jump, but I have seen kids of a different skin tone from Doherty or Burncoat disqualified.

Don’t even get me started on the lack of fun that high school basketball games have become. The best part of being a fan in high school was yelling the most vile and obscene things possible at Mike Bradley back in ’97 while he was on the foul line. Not anymore, in the name of sportsmanship (and I assume some other asinine anti-bullying crusade), the crowd must remain dead silent during all free throws and we must never ever boo a rival school.

The celebration rules are the worst policies put into effect since the Jim Crow south. On that note, many of the kids scoring touchdowns in Central Mass have a darker complexion that many of the members of the MIAA governing board, and their celebrations seemed to be rather loud, expressive, and in-your-face back in my day. Like the NFL owners who created these asinine penalties because Randy Moss and Terrell Owens were scary, the MIAA followed suit and made their own rules to ensure that no young people have any fun whatsoever while playing sports.

Here at Turtleboy Sports, our investigative team has come across the 2013 audit for the (Fun Gestapo) MIAA. Take a look here. 

These numbers are quite staggering for a group that describes its mission as “building the future, one thousand dollars student at a time.” This mission does not mention anything about making close to a million dollars in gate receipts in each of the last two years, nor does it mention sitting on nearly two million dollars in liquid assets, nor does it mention bringing in more than five million dollars in total income during each of the past two years. In addition, the MIAA paid out nearly a million dollars in salaries last year.

I really hope that this money (in addition to the post-retirement benefit plans they are funding) is going to janitors or people performing clerical work for these vultures, because it would be absolutely sickening to consider the fact that school principals, athletic directors, and superintendents who are already drawing six-figure salaries are also drawing a salary off of the MIAA drawing exorbitant entry fees into their games.

We already pay taxes to support our town schools, and some of us have to pay high fees in order for our kids to play sports.  It is absolutely absurd to think about the fact that the MIAA is making millions of dollars off of HIGH SCHOOL games that could easily be played on any one of the hundreds of baseball fields, football fields, or basketball courts statewide. How do I know this? Because I watched a quarterfinal game on Monday at a local high school, paid nothing, and everybody lived. Somehow these people have led us to believe that high school sports cannot go on without them.