I know two common refrains around here are “the mainstream media is the enemy of the people” and “feminism is cancer”, but it’s because it’s true. If you have any doubts, look no further than the pro-feminism hot garbage magazine, Cosmopolitan.
Relationships are hard, and Cosmo knows this. Especially for the modern feminist, who is supposed to fight back against literally everything about men as they naturally exist, because they are all privileged, lying, misogynistic unfaithful pigs who are out to oppress you every second of every day, with everything they do.
Luckily the entirely unhinged staff writers over at Cosmo are paid to pump your brain cavity full of psychotic relationship advice that will trap you in a never-ending spiral of suspicion, paranoia and sociopathic petty revenge until you burn every possible bridge in your miserable life. Then you’ll be ready to pass on your newfound empowerment to the rest of the world.
If Your Man Is Too Romantic, He’s Throwing The Hotdog Down Every Available Tuna Tunnel
You’ve had a hard week at work, spending most of it burning every building within a 10 mile radius of the office to ashes to prove to your male coworkers you are just as good as they are, so your partner decides to show you a nice night out. He makes reservations for a private table at a really expensive dinner, and shows up to pick you up promptly at 7pm with flowers and a smile. What a wonderful, considerate guy, right?
Nope! Because according to Cosmo, he’s just whisking you away like Anne Frank under the cloak of the dark night to keep your existence hidden from the entire city full of side hos he’s banging behind your back.
Good thing you have the paranoid schizophrenic at Cosmo not only alerting you to this egregious deception, but all you have to do is pick up the next issue to get a comprehensive list of totally appropriate payback moves to whip out whenever you so much as think, not even know, that he’s messing around on you.
So what’s your next move now that he’s insulted you with a private candlelit steak dinner and wine?
Let’s see how eager his coworkers are to get close to him now that they think his pants lizard is extra scaly!
That’ll teach him to ever do anything nice for you again!
So now your partner is probably a little confused and miffed, because you clearly misunderstood his intentions in bringing you out to eat without a full audience of spectators to bear witness. Maybe, he thinks, I just wasn’t clear enough?
He decides to work on his communication, because men tend to be less open than women, and communication is key to a good relationship, everybody knows that. Instead of just answering “fine” when asked about his day, he makes sure to go into detail about the awkward exchange he was forced to have with Joe from accounting about the STD hoax you started on his Outlook. Except….
2. If He Tells You About His Day, He Is Obviously An Unrepentant Liar
…Nice try, scumbag, but Cosmo already tipped her off to this one! By going in to detail about how many times he had to assure Joe you can’t spread genital warts by sneezing, he was actually revealing that he’s cheating on you (and Joe probably knows all about it). All those pauses he took to remain calm while recounting an awkward situation that is 100% your doing? Pure incrimination.
Well, you’ll make sure he never use Joe as a scapegoat for his philandering again, because Cosmo commands you to…
If his coworkers weren’t weirded out enough before, they’ll definitely ban him from coming 100 feet within the building when they think he’s a white supremacist covered in festering junk sores!
Clearly his job is no longer an issue for the two of you, but your poor guy just can’t figure out what’s got you so high-strung and angry all the time. He realizes you might be under some pressure about you looks and feeling insecure, considering you interpret every gesture as an admission of infidelity.
So he decides to show his support and work on his appearance, too. Maybe it will make him more attractive to you, and you’ll finally stop ruining his life. Bad move, bro!
3. If He Takes Care Of Himself, He’s Spreading His Seed Like Ragweed In The Springtime
Who are you trying to impress with the manscaping and push-ups, you sneaky worthless dog? Not your girlfriend. It’s so obvious. She’s got debilitating self-esteem issues thanks to the mental patients at Cosmo, so there is absolutely no way she’d ever believe you are doing this for her, let alone your own health and self-esteem. That would be ridiculous.
The only reasonable response to your man’s newfound interest in early-morning jogs is just as obvious.
Arson will teach him to never again dare to take care of his appearance without his girlfriend asking him to. It’s going to be a lot harder for him to bring home all those loose sluts now that his house is nothing but charred rubble.
Now that your lover is jobless, homeless and broke, he’s got plenty of time to focus on your relationship and you. He’s still extremely confused, because intimate dates are off-limits and the last time he tried talking to you he ended up being labeled a flagrant racist, so he starts to wonder if maybe you’re feeling neglected in the bedroom. And you’re obviously a beautiful woman he finds extremely attractive, so he is sure to let you know in the hopes that maybe you’ll stop ruining his life with Cosmo’s awful suggestions. Surely this will fix things, because there’s no way you’ll think he’s being unfaithful if he’s lavishing all of his attention on you. Right?
4. If He Wants More Sex From You, It’s Because He’s Swimming In Poontang
Obviously, if he’s coming on to you too strong, it’s because he’s cheating! To be fair, they do suggest you rule out other explanations – but only after explaining in detail why he is certainly, definitely cheating on you. You’ve been a vindictive, insufferable lunatic up until this point anyway, so don’t let a little bit of reasonable doubt and spam javelin lead you down the path of rational thinking now!
According to Cosmo, there’s only one thing you can possibly do about this….
You’ve already crushed his masculinity and finances into a shameful bloody pulp, why not his trouser snake, too? It’s probably for the best that he’ll never be able to maintain an erection again, because if wanting sex is proof that he’s cheating, being physically incapable of it for life is the ultimate sign of his commitment.
5. If His Friends Don’t Want To Hang Out With You, He Doesn’t Love You
With his house, job, money and now genitals gone, your guy really needs a night out with the boys, and luckily they are totally cool with his girlfriend tagging along. He tried to go out alone, but you left threatening messages on his mother’s answering machine and crashed you car repeatedly into his truck until he invited you to come. The guys are being really great about it, too, and even engaging in some friendly conversation with you.
But hold on….you can’t sneak this one by the ace detectives working for Cosmo.
That’s right. Because his friends didn’t ask you what your dream job was growing up, where you would travel if you could go anywhere in the world, or if you’ve ever been fart raped before, your man is no longer in love with you. This is clearly all his fault, and this demands retribution. Which means, clearly, it’s time to sexually destroy the few remaining meaningful relationships in his life.
Because no man can resist the allure of his best friends delusional, controlling, abusive girlfriend. But just in case he does, Cosmo has you covered:
But, despite the career sabotage, wanton property destruction, poisoning his food, attempted genital mutilation and revenge-fucking all of his friends, your boo still loves you and wants to make things work. Your relationship is stronger than ever thanks to Cosmo, because blind, fear-based trust and commitment is the backbone of any successful relationship, or totalitarian regime. So now that things are finally perfect, and there is nothing but you, he decides to kick back, not stress the small stuff and enjoy the wonderful piece of paradise you have carved with your bare blood-soaked hands out for the two you. Somehow, he is still happy.
Surely Cosmo can’t fin-
6. If He’s Happy, He’s Banging Every Female He Walks By
There you have it. If he can still smile at this point, he’s cheating. The only way to ensure your relationship will endure is to extinguish the last little faint flicker of joy in his soul. If you look into his eyes and see anything other than the agony of defeat reflected across an otherwise lifeless husk of a man, he’s playing you like a fiddle. But for this one you can’t really punish him, because you should have known the whole time. Cosmo tried to tell you.
Obviously, if he subjects himself to a string of women who methodically destroy everything that matters to him, the problem is him. Not you. You should have known on your very first date, but you disregarded Cosmo’s warnings, and now look at you. You’re doomed. This is all happening because of the way men are, and you are a strong, empowered, modern day feminist hero. Just throw on your pink pussy hat, go pick up the next issue of Cosmo, and get back out there, girl!
Just don’t forget, as a woman, your only hope of happiness is the complete emotional and material destruction of the closest man!