Nudniks

A Ware Love Story: Pube Donkey Husband Asks Every Teen In Town For Noodz, Gingervitis Wife Denies Everything And Forces Him To Get Shared Facebook Page

 

Loading...

This is Juan Montalban and his wife Alexis from Ware. 

They recently got hitched after firing a couple fuck trophies out of her baby bazooka. But it appears that Juan chick wasn’t enough for him, because he got called out by a local teenager for blowing her up on Snapface and asking for noodz.

Is this true? Well, here’s a picture that should clear that up.

The hat. As soon as you fee the flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat you know that they’re probably guilty of a lot worse then whatever they’re currently being accused of.

As you can see the OP attempted to contact the Mrs, but hasn’t heard back. Can’t say I blame her. Who would wanna give up all of this?

He’s got a job at Six Flags and pubestache that can tickle your hoo-hoo like it’s never been tickled before. In Ware, he’s a catch. You don’t give that up just because he messaged a girl and asked to see her gerber severs. Best just to ignore and pretend it didn’t happen.  Plus, look how good they’re living.

If you’re anything but a college freshman and you have Christmas lights in your room then I’d tell you to give up on life, but I think we can both agree that you already have.

The post turned into a whole #MeToo thing, as girl after girl came forward with stories about Juan offering to make them some banana cream pie.

 

I’m sure it’s all a big coincidence though.

Then women started contacting us with receipts.

Messaging 14 year old girls and asking to be friends when you’re 19 is totally normal. As is this….

Women have to stop being so afraid to destroy guy’s feelings. If you see a chud like this say “Hey,” three times in a row over a period of a week, without you returning any of the messages, just understand that taking hints isn’t his thing. You have to burn guys like this. Just destroy them. They’re so pathetic that they believe that deep down inside we really wanna let them bury the broomstick in tuna town, we just haven’t gotten around to messaging them back. The only thing they understand is painful rejection. Don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings because they sure as shit don’t give a flying fuck about yours.

Nevertheless, despite all of these women coming forward with pretty similar stories, and the fact that she doesn’t trust him to the point where she’ll message a woman and tell them she doesn’t want him having his phone number, she’s still in denial.

Yea, he has almost 10 Facebook pages because his ex girlfriends all changed his passwords. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s trying stick his cervix scraper in anything between the ages of 14-17 on social media. Bitch you got a shared Facebook page.

“Are new Facebook has nothing to do with trust issue either.”

Literally the ONLY reason anyone has ever had a shared Facebook page is because someone cheated and the other person decided to give them a second chance with certain conditions. Sounds like the foundation of a healthy marriage right there.

One woman even told her and she responded.

A lot of women would be concerned after hearing stories like this. But when you’re a ginger from Ware with two crotch fruits in tow, a door knocker hanging from your left nostril, and your job is working for a pyramid scheme, I guess you gotta put up with some bullshit to keep a guy around.

After 24 hours of women coming forward with their stories of him sexually harassing them Juan pulled a Tiger Woods and said he needed therapy.

Oh boo fucking hoo. I might not have given a shit if the girls you were messaging weren’t 14. You don’t need therapy because that doesn’t fix shit. You just need to hit rock bottom, which is why I’m here. Welcome to Turtleboy. Hope hitting rock bottom like this makes you a better person, but I won’t hold my breath.

 

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:




Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 

 

Loading...
32 Comment(s)
  • Rear Admiral Butts (Ret.)
    August 26, 2019 at 12:02 pm

    I want that red velvet, I want that ginger sugar sweet, don’t let nobody touch that gingervitis tight snatch except for me! Would smash the redhead right up her wet, fire red volcano!

  • The only question is what level will he have to register as?
    August 26, 2019 at 10:32 am

    Ware has a high concentration of this particular strain of ratchet. He may as well preregister now to get in front of all the stuff he’s going to need to to satisfy the board. Maybe get in contact with that landlord that created a niche renting to his kind.

  • evilr0b
    August 26, 2019 at 9:46 am

    Fuck around my 14 YO daughter like this and I will stomp a mudhole in his ass.

  • Andrew
    August 26, 2019 at 9:43 am

    I love the stuff you guys write (Gerber servers ) but this is actually a stellar piece of investigative journalism. I hope that you have taken all of this information to the police.

    Great job, seriously.

  • Garcia Vega
    August 26, 2019 at 9:27 am

    Twisted individual. I have a feeling the wife is not only trying to cover his ass, but hers as well, I’m betting she knows a helluva lot more than she’s letting on….

  • Turdchomper
    August 26, 2019 at 5:57 am

    Heyy

    • Megan
      September 1, 2019 at 1:28 am

      I Was thinking the same thing, I also thing she wrote the apology he put out, not him.

  • Siskel
    August 26, 2019 at 4:36 am

    Therapy won’t help him, an ass beating might, but the best way to help him is to simply report his ass to any and all authorities. Granted, it’s Massachusetts and not much will happen to him, but just getting his name out on a news blip and having him on radar may do the job. I know, wishful thinking. But they should still report the fuck outta him.

  • Silencio Dogood
    August 26, 2019 at 3:11 am

    Ware is no place to live, feverishly spanking it by the dim light of Facebook, tween titties on his bilingual mind as his flabbid ginger wife burns the refried beans.

  • Spic Tormentor
    August 25, 2019 at 11:55 pm

    This spic faggot needs a 9mm to the skull

  • That Girl Was Me
    August 25, 2019 at 10:53 pm

    People “move up” from ware to colrain.

  • That Girl Was Me
    August 25, 2019 at 10:42 pm

    Ware makes moldova look cozy. flood it to increase the quabbin no one will notice the people missing.

  • Yellow Flags Over Ware
    August 25, 2019 at 9:27 pm

    Seems odd he quit Six Flags. Likely would have been unlimited possibilities there. Maybe that’s why he’s exploring social media so intensely. Ware’s version of Jeffrey Epstein.

  • Judge dread
    August 25, 2019 at 9:05 pm

    The light blue flat brimmed bulls hat.wtf is wrong with these people?

  • Zucked
    August 25, 2019 at 8:33 pm

    panda bear chain letter hugs, facebook is fucking gay

  • z
    August 25, 2019 at 8:11 pm

    That is NOT the worst fucking attempt at coherency. Stallone made millions with dialog like this.

    Rambo:
    We were in this bar in Saigon and this kid comes up, this kid carrying a shoe-shine box. And he says “Shine, please, shine!” I said no. He kept askin’, yeah, and Joey said “Yeah.” And I went to get a couple of beers, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, f***ing blew his body all over the place. And he’s laying there, he’s f***ing screaming. There’s pieces of him all over me, just… (Takes off his bandolier) like this, and I’m tryin’ to pull him off, you know, my friend that’s all over me! I’ve got blood and everything and I’m tryin’ to hold him together! I’m puttin’… the guy’s f***in’ insides keep coming out! And nobody would help! Nobody would help! He’s saying, sayin’ “I wanna go home! I wanna go home!” He keeps calling my name! “I wanna go home, Johnny! I wanna drive my Chevy!” I said “Why? I can’t find your f***in’ legs! I can’t find your legs!”

    • Colonel Samuel Trautman
      August 25, 2019 at 11:19 pm

      That’s a tapped comment. I upvoted anyways.

  • John Blutarsky
    August 25, 2019 at 7:07 pm

    Sounds to me that this douche is a perfect candidate for an old fashioned beatdown. Aren’t there any men out there willing to defend their women from shitheads like this? Guys, don’t be cuck soiboys, stand up for your woman and give this motherfucker a lesson in pain he will never forget. After he gets his teeth knocked out to go along with some broken bones, I guarantee he will never, ever try some shit with your woman again.

    • Finn
      August 25, 2019 at 8:27 pm

      John Bukkake (spelling stays),

      “Aren’t there any men out there willing to defend their women from shitheads like this?”
      Are women so helpless that they need men like you to defend them?

      “Guys, don’t be cuck soiboys”
      I don’t even know what a “soiboy” is. I’m glad. Guys, don’t be vigilant on people you don’t know.

      “stand up for your woman and give this motherfucker a lesson in pain he will never forget. After he gets his teeth knocked out to go along with some broken bones … he will never [try] shit with your woman again.”

      Settle down Rambo. Looks like those women shut him down pretty fast and didn’t need your help. You’re not their parents nor LE. I can’t stand e-thug idiots who are only tough behind keyboards.

      Get Fucked,
      Finn

      • Finn=Fag
        August 26, 2019 at 10:07 am

        Shut the fuck up, Finn. You’re the biggest tough-guy/keyboard warrior on here. You are exactly the soiboy that he is talking about, you fucking homo.

        • Finn
          August 26, 2019 at 4:03 pm

          Finn=Me,
          “Shut the fuck up, Finn. You’re the biggest tough-guy/keyboard warrior on here. You are exactly the soiboy that he is talking about, you fucking homo.”

          [giggling] Who says I’m a guy?

          Get Fucked,
          Finn

    • Reason & Logic
      August 26, 2019 at 8:14 am

      We have left the room.

    • TheCureForHope
      August 26, 2019 at 8:14 pm

      How about fathers willing to give this guy a beatdown on behalf of their daughters? Oh wait….I forgot.

      Oh, and for Finn? Usually I agree with you but these girls/woman yes, could shut this prick down individually without the help of ‘Their man’ but none could physically teach him a lesson….sorry, it’s a matter of biology. He needs one or two strong men to beat the shit out of him and tell him why…problem solved permanently.

      • Finn
        August 27, 2019 at 11:28 am

        TheCureForHope,
        “How about fathers willing to give this guy a beatdown on behalf of their daughters? Oh wait….I forgot.”

        If their daughters are children (under 18) – I agree 100%. Btw – you forgot what?

        “Oh, and for Finn? Usually I agree with you but these girls/woman yes, could shut this prick down individually without the help of ‘Their man’ but none could physically teach him a lesson….sorry, it’s a matter of biology. He needs one or two strong men to beat the shit out of him and tell him why…problem solved permanently.”

        *This* is what I have a problem with. Why not teach your daughters to defend themselves online? They can block, they can report sexual harassment, they can screenshot and bring to police. Why “beat down” a keyboard warrior? I agree – it’s very tempting. But, how will that look in court? I guarantee you get into more trouble than he does. Use your brain — he wrote some shitty, creepy as fuck comments to these women. Empower them to take him down legally. This send a message that women are not weak and don’t need a knight in shining armor to defend them.

        Finn

  • Finn
    August 25, 2019 at 6:14 pm

    A match made in heaven. A DunkinDonut/Younique boss-babe marries a Six-Flags (seasonal, of course) douche. This union is a perfect storm of insecure wife and teen-chatter perv. Nothing can go wrong here…

  • Carla G Unit
    August 25, 2019 at 6:13 pm

    Carla… Thank you Carla….

  • Carla G
    August 25, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    I like you stories best aside Bristol cuz they short n rite to da point sum of da other riters be like they jus ritin N ritin N ritin cuz I dont no but you is like you talkin to me 1 on 1 an no BS jus to da point like last week I my frend DD come over an she like wat U doin N I like babysittin N she like U gotta watch my kidz N I B like whatz and she B like I got 20 dollas N i gotta go shoppin at TJ Max so she can go clubbin tonite and I b like bitch where you get 20 N she say from her mom N I say why am you man cant watchin you kids is he a hoe N she say you no it N we laff so den her tell me her kidz want joose boxes N I tells her I got a case fo free boxes on da porth but I aint gettin dem I aint you slave so she go N get boxes 4 da kidz N I be like dont tell T I got free boxes cuz she gonna want some 4 her kidz so she like well I gotta go to TJ Max an I like take my baby n da baby strolla sos you can lift sum shit n hide it under da baby but she like bitch I on parole so I say dont be a low money ho n she like ok so later she come back
    so like I says i like you n Bristol blogs cuz them short n strate to da point n makes cents!

    • z
      August 25, 2019 at 6:06 pm

      Bingo!!!! Hold your cards!! We have a winner!!!!!

      Please become a regular commentator.

      • Dick Scratcher
        August 25, 2019 at 6:30 pm

        We could call it the Carla G Spot.

        🙂

      • I can re da ting
        August 26, 2019 at 12:04 am

        Huh? What the hell are you trying to say?
        There is no ending to that ONE long, horribly spelled comment.

    • Chet Manley
      August 25, 2019 at 6:52 pm

      Did your cat walk across your keyboard? I would hope so because that is the worst fucking attempt at coherency I have ever seen. If not the cat, do yourself a favor and get your dumb ass back in school.

    • Bristol Turtlechick
      August 26, 2019 at 12:52 am

      I’m really flattered, and your story is super interesting and coherent. Totally relatable. Alas, I did not write this blog. So you can go ahead and reapply your glowing praise to SSTG, who I am sure will appreciate it just as much as I do!

Comment on this Post

*

RELATED POSTS
Nostalgic Facebook Commentators Are Really Pissed Off About Snow Days For Kids
Guy Who Tried Hiding In Tree To Flee Cops on I-290 Earns Moron of the Week Award
Auburn Fan Who Refused To Bet On Florida State Loses Chance To Win Free $25,000 Is Giant Moron