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Amy Schumer’s New Clothing Line For Sak’s Off Fifth Is Proof Positive There Is Nothing She Will Not Attempt To Ruin

Amy Schumer’s New Clothing Line For Sak’s Off Fifth Is Proof Positive There Is Nothing She Will Not Attempt To Ruin

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It is an indisputable scientific fact that Amy Schumer ruins everything her greasy sausage mitts touch.

First, she infected Netflix with her abomination of a “comedy” special, that consisted of an hour straight of fixation on her stench ridden vagina, musing on the taste of jizz, peppered with a few stolen jokes. Walking through a pediatric burn ward would be more amusing than listening to Amy Schumer. And when her dumpster fire tanked, she cried foul and blamed the “alt-right trolls” for tanking her reviews, as if a fat chick sweltering like a side of beef in it’s leather skin talking about the barnyard animal stench of her lower blowhole was destined to kill it. It wasn’t, Amy. I’ve had migraines funnier than you.

Then, she decided to impart her own set of “rules” onto comedy. Because screeching out endless sets of boring, played out raunchy bullshit masking her soft bigotry wasn’t enough.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You’re the kind of chick who I am fairly certain intentionally made herself fat and dumpy-looking, just so she could rail on herself for being fat and dumpy, because you’re too chicken shit to just make fat girl jokes as a skinny broad. Fuck you and your self loathing bullshit, Amy. Comedy is all we have left in today’s ultra-sensitive, intolerant of intolerance pussywhipped PC culture.  Larry David and Lenny Bruce joked about the Holocaust. Eddie Murphy used race to build himself a flourishing career. The mark of a skilled comedian is the ability to elicit laughs from the darkest parts of our history, society and selves, and Amy Schumer wants to destroy that because she doesn’t have the chops. Fuck you, you untalented, bloated Jizz Jacuzzi.

 

There was also the time she came after yet another beloved American commodity – beer….

 

This self loathing cow is truly hell bent on destroying America, and must be stopped. Just when you think her reign of criminally unfunny destruction has been contained, she decides to go and pull this shit:

 

Jesus H Christ, this gelatinous joke assassin strikes again. Comedy wasn’t enough, beer wasn’t enough. Ruining Netflix wasn’t enough. Now she’s coming at us with her “affordable” and “size inclusive” brand of bag lady clothes. What does “size inclusive” look like, you probably aren’t asking, but I’m going to show you anyway.

 

I’m offender for fat chicks everywhere. The only thing that would make remotely any sense about the marketability of this line of overpriced garbage bags is if each purchase included a rescue cat and box of White Zinfandel. Amy Schumer’s idea of “body inclusive” wear is to just hide fat chicks under layers of shapeless drab colors. That’s not body positive, Amy. That’s just projecting how much you fucking hate yourself onto the rest of the world with a $200 price tag attached. Anyone who actually pays $138.00 plus tax for this Wal-Mart special of the week cat lady bullshit deserves a lobotomy, stat.  I don’t know how they managed to almost fully portray how unflattering these clothes are without putting a model in them, but they did. Almost.

Amy Schumer’s Le Cloud – Perfect for the average woman who is sick and tired of having any shape to her body, the kind of woman who dresses only in the colors of an ashamedly spinster Amish woman, the kind of woman who finds having any money left over after shopping for sweat suits and lean cuisine frozen dinners for one annoying. The kind of women who puts on a shapeless t shirt with pronounced pit stains and shapeless joggers to sit down and laugh at Amy Schumer’s inane prattle about her rancid bearded clam.

48 Comment(s)
  • Judge dread
    December 23, 2018 at 11:45 pm

    i’m pretty sure a rat burrowed into her hive beast of a vag. she’s not pregnant.

  • Ralph Kramden
    December 22, 2018 at 8:10 pm

    Another fat, disgusting, mentally Ill liberal member of the Tribe.
    Someone actually fucked her??
    There are some pretty desperate “men” out there.

  • Long Rod Von Hugendong
    December 21, 2018 at 1:22 am

    Thanks, now I am completely flaccid.

  • Mr. Nuttasit Keawcham
    December 20, 2018 at 10:32 pm

    Saks off 5th?
    How about leaving the fucking saks on first

  • North of the Birder
    December 20, 2018 at 10:03 pm

    Wasn’t she going to move to Canada with a bunch of other liberal swine? Over priced clothes that She markets to women with insecurity issues? She is a real piece of shit.

  • Chubby Chaser
    December 20, 2018 at 8:49 pm

    I know I’m on an island here but pre preggo Amy Schumer was a pudgy blonde that I kind of liked in a sexual manner. Yes I’m a chubby chaser. Part of her sex appeal was the many interviews with Howard Stern i begrudgingly listened too because between the back and forth ball washing stern actually reverted to his old self and asked about her sex life. She freely admitted she hated condoms and loved getting creampied. Ever since then her sex appeal increased to me. Howard of course was taken aback. He’s the biggest germophobe on the planet, he still to this day, at his ripe old age uses condoms with his wife. Now thats a different topic altogether as it has been rumored she gets serviced by others and he is so into cock that it isn’t far fetched that he services cock orally and anally.

  • Omar the tent maker
    December 20, 2018 at 7:36 pm

    This is good, im sick of sewing moo moos.

  • Lost cause
    December 20, 2018 at 5:15 pm

    I’m a fat girl.Im pretty sure I can go to salavation army and find a better looking outfit for wayyyyy cheaper than that. If I wanted to wear a trashbag I’d go buy them from the store for 7.99. this chick is a damn joke. TUCK THAT FUKN FUPPA. YOUR A DISGRACE TO US FAT GIRLS

  • What is that?!
    December 20, 2018 at 4:01 pm

    That HAS to be Satire, the photos are disgusting and unflattering as hell and you couldn’t PAY ME that money to wear any of the shit.. but then i realized Saks would never joke about this. I’m fucking horrified and Amy should be too. That bitch will put her name on anything apparently. Even if it makes her look pregnant with triplets. 

  • Turtz McGurtz
    December 20, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    That’s one frumpy dumpy oompa loompa, and there’s nothing funny about that. What a horrific scene it must have been when they cut her out of that leather jumpsuit.

    • Stfu
      December 20, 2018 at 7:11 pm

      She is pregnant though……

  • Defective DNA
    December 20, 2018 at 3:56 pm

    Talk about white trash. She probably smells like fucking cabbage and I bet any place she inhabits makes any hoarder house look like fucking Buckingham Palace

  • John Holmes
    December 20, 2018 at 3:48 pm

    That’s the bitch who gave me AIDS!

  • Jenny Craig
    December 20, 2018 at 3:46 pm

    She’s so fucking fat even her belly button has a belly button

    • Natasha
      December 20, 2018 at 7:57 pm

      She’s pregnant in that picture… that’s why the other girl is pointing at her stomach. I think the author was talking about the get up of the girl doing the pointing…. which I agree is really ugly.

  • General Patten
    December 20, 2018 at 3:44 pm

    Probably trying to cash in before the AIDS she got from countless African Americans who don’t give a fuck who they hump kills her

  • Kim Un Jong
    December 20, 2018 at 3:13 pm

    She looks like a female Buddha. She needs to stop designing tight clothes and do some Pilates

  • Captain Trips
    December 20, 2018 at 2:51 pm

    This fat slut should be euthanized. I see absolutely no use for her on earth at all. Just a liberal ugly-ass slut who’s only use is a pump and dump at 2 AM at last call when all else fails and you cannot possibly wait another day for release.

    She has no redeeming qualities and she is not funny at all.

    There are homeless drug addicts living under bridges that have more potential than she has.

    She’s retarded, perverted, and fucking gross, and ugly too. So Amy – Fuck you, and I wouldn’t have sex with you if only we two survived a disaster and the future of the human race depended upon it.

  • deflateddoritodinks
    December 20, 2018 at 2:33 pm

    How many illegal aliens does it take to carry her from her mansion to her limo? Maybe that’s why Chuck no want no wall mano?

  • Dice
    December 20, 2018 at 2:26 pm

    i guess with Feminism you can’t have your cake and eat it, too… On one hand these women want men to sign contracts before even walking on the same side of the street, but on the other hand they’re upset that men have given up on them as a result. Staying single forever and hiring hookers has never looked better than it does nowadays.

  • Bill Clinton
    December 20, 2018 at 2:21 pm

    the thought of watching those fat rolls jiggle as i munch on her snatch is making me rigid.

  • Sir Wilfred Death
    December 20, 2018 at 2:11 pm

    “the colors of an ashamedly spinster Amish woman, the kind of woman who finds having any money left over after shopping for sweat suits and lean cuisine frozen dinners for one annoying”

    Gold.

  • Carlos Danger
    December 20, 2018 at 1:58 pm

    The definition of A barrel of smashed Assholes. Ugly inside as well as out!

  • Katty Kathy
    December 20, 2018 at 1:41 pm

    OMG you are like so right. What about Lena Dunhams new purses that she’s designing for Ilovepurses.com it’s like no thank you. Let’s talk girlfriend.

  • Stunt Penis
    December 20, 2018 at 1:35 pm

    I honestly think this is some of your best work so far. I love it.

    Keep up the blogs about Schumer and maybe write about the Kardashians, Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, Drake, Meryl Streep etc. I love it! 🙂

    • Bristol Turtlechick
      December 20, 2018 at 2:49 pm

      How many different comments under multiple aliases are you going to put on each blog? It’s sort of sad. Maybe you should see if they’re hiring over at le cloud, put those fingers to some good use stitching trashbags into sweatsuits for rich fat broads with body complexes? Just a suggestion.

      • Different Comments Multiple Alliases
        December 20, 2018 at 4:26 pm

        Believe it or not I’m just trying to better you. A story about some fat comedian that nobody cares about and her New York shitty clothing line including the fucking catalog with prices?
        C’mon now you can do better than this.
        Anybody who says they think this is an interesting blog is a liar.
        I’m trying to bring back the glory days of TB when the stories were local, funny and actually made an impact.
        A story about Amy Schumers clothes line…what the fuck?

      • Different Comments Multiple Alliases
        December 20, 2018 at 4:41 pm

        I’m not trying to hurt you Bristol. I’m sure you’re an attractive young girl and you looked at that picture of a fat girl in a skin tight red dress wearing Duck Boots and thought ‘Holy shit that’s bad I’ve gotta say something!’. But keep in mind before you blog that nobody here are cares about that sort of thing ….it’s just not something interesting.

      • Rockets Redglare
        December 20, 2018 at 5:27 pm

        Wow. Is this your typical reaction to receiving positive feedback? Take some Midol and relax. Or are you the type who knows your shit don’t stink so don’t tell me anything I don’t already know. So the chick using a fake name takes umbrage at someone using more fake names than you? Wasn’t aware there were standards here. You owe Stunt an aplogy….

        • Hypocritical much..
          December 20, 2018 at 7:17 pm

          I agree. Uncle has even said bloggers are not suppose to reply on the website comments but you not only replied but bashed a supporter.. and a great point in the other reply about being a hypocrite. Let’s not get cocky here …..

          • Bristol Turtlechick
            December 20, 2018 at 7:41 pm

            My shit stinks and sometimes so does my writing, let’s not misinterpret things here. I always appreciate critism, hence why I even read the comments. But, honestly, how many times are you going to poke around at the bloggers earnings, etc.? We’re pretty forthright with having to work day jobs. Isn’t that what you’re trying to do here, get a rise? If you don’t like what we’re writing here, send something in you’d actually like to read. We write what we’re sent in at least 75% of the time. OP will understand what I’m referencing. Must’ve missed the memo on responding to blog comments.

      • Turtle Commenter
        December 20, 2018 at 8:40 pm

        I do appreciate when a blogger takes time to respond to a commenter on one of their blogs. Sometimes, not many or all, bloggers need to own some of the shit they write, I’m not talking subjects but more on the line of nuances that the blogger hinted on but is flat out wrong. I will now leave a another new comment only opinion of Amy Schumer under a different name.

  • Lumpy Rutherford
    December 20, 2018 at 1:28 pm

    She’s smoking hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Burl Lapp
    December 20, 2018 at 1:25 pm

    Should be called Le Sack

    • Kim Un Jong
      December 20, 2018 at 3:18 pm

      Le Sack of shit

  • General Burkhalter
    December 20, 2018 at 12:57 pm

    Separated at birth ……Amy Schumer and Miss Piggy

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    December 20, 2018 at 12:48 pm

    What a sow. Ugh.

  • M
    December 20, 2018 at 12:44 pm

    Why all of a sudden is she considering herself plus size when a couple years ago this porky pig had a fit because a magazine included her in an article about plus sized celebrities?

    I remember she claimed she was a size 8 or something ridiculous then and the magazine even offered her apology. She even wrote some long ass rant about how she supports plus size women, but she isn’t one of them. I couldn’t stop laughing, it’s the only time I’ve ever laughed at anything she has said.

    • Lost cause
      December 20, 2018 at 5:03 pm

      She doesn’t include herself in plus siZe because she wears her pants under her belly. Instead of tucking the fupa she let’s it hang. Her hips under her fupa might be a size 8 but that belly is NO size 8.

  • Woo
    December 20, 2018 at 12:34 pm

    Chris Rock jokes about racism, structural racism, the KKK, you name it, and he is an hilarious comedic genius. He is up there with the Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin level of piercing but also gut bustingly funny.

    • Billy Smith
      December 20, 2018 at 12:59 pm

      Saw him just before he blew up, at the paradise many years ago. He was so funny I could not stop laughing. He was like a machine gun, the jokes just kept coming. My stomach hurt the next day from laughing so hard. I had seen many many comics live at this point and he was by far the best.

  • cleveland steamer
    December 20, 2018 at 12:24 pm

    If you google sweatpants jumpsuit Nike (the assholes who make the most overpriced shit ever) are selling theirs for like 80 bucks. Amy wants to sell hers at $188? Am I reading that correctly? And to have the audacity to call that affordable? Try to be more of an elitist and more detached from the common working class, you can’t be.

    • Billy Smith
      December 20, 2018 at 12:53 pm

      Dude, it’s 80 cuz of the amount of material. When you have to wrap an elephant it gets expensive.

  • MEME
    December 20, 2018 at 12:12 pm

    Who in there right mind would want anything from this over stuff pig. She sucks big ones.

  • George Costanza
    December 20, 2018 at 12:04 pm

    Is that velvet?

  • Stunt Penis
    December 20, 2018 at 11:45 am

    Did she hire Hillary Clinton as her fasion designer?

    Coming up next: Le Tent!

  • Randall Guy
    December 20, 2018 at 11:41 am

    Someone sounds jealous.

    • Randall Guy
      December 20, 2018 at 2:26 pm

      Pound me in the buns, please.

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