Follow us on Twitter and on Facebook

So earlier this week we wrote about some idiot named Aaron Gouveia who writes a blog called The Daddy Files. The guy took grave offense to this sign from Tougas Family Farm in Northboro:

Because obviously this sign is extremely offensive. Dads are serious people at all times. No joking around for us!!! Jokes that suggest that fathers like to fuck around and have a good time with their kids will NOT be tolerated on The Daddy Files!!

Well, apparently this dingleweed also is some sort of freelancer for the Huffington Post and Time. After we called him out on his shit he basically felt the wrath of the Turtleboy Sports army. His Facebook was bombarded by rational people who wanted to laugh at him for being such a naniburger. He did what anyone with a ridiculous opinion and no real point does when cornered – he blocked everyone, and left this manifesto:

Newsflash – no one called you a faggot. You literally made that up to turn yourself into a victim, because obviously making yourself a victim is your schtick. We get it. But at least be accurate. Yea, some people called you a pansy. So what? Pansy is a great American word, particularly when you add “ass” to the end of it. If you can’t handle getting called a “pansy” then you shouldn’t be in the blogging game. Pansy ass.

Anyway he wrote about his horrific experience at the apple farm for Time. Here’s some of our favorite parts of it…

As my wife and two sons dutifully joined me in the most quintessential of New England activities, we paid our money and eagerly set out toward the tractor that would bring us to the honeycrisp, macoun, and gala apples we love so much.

Isn’t this guy just such a super dad?!! Gee golly, what a slice of Americana this guy is.

But before we could hitch our ride we had to stand in line, giving my 6-year-old – a first-grader with a voracious appetite for reading – time to show off his budding skills by reading every single sign in sight. Except this particular sign was one I wish neither of us had seen (and not just because the font was Comic Sans).

Oh man, what did it say? Was it covered in pornography? Did it teach him some new four letter words? What was the horror that appeared on this sign?

It said “All Children (And Dads) Must Be With An Adult At All Times.” 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Get the fuck out of here!!! The sign actually said that? How did his son cope with this traumatic situation?

My son was confused, and asked me if “daddies have to be watched like kids.”

Now you might be saying to yourself, “just tell your kid it’s a joke.” But that would be way too rational for this guy. Because why brush something off when you can make a federal fucking case out of it? Gotta build up some material for the next issue of the Daddy Diaries right?

I was confused as well, wondering how a “family friendly” farm could be so tone deaf in taking an unnecessary potshot at fathers (who double as paying customers).

I know right? You call yourself a “family friendly” farm and you’re basically taking a steamy dump on dads everywhere? Clearly this sign was put up maliciously to stick it to all the great dads out there like our boy Aaron Gouveia. It definitely wasn’t done in good humor. Sure there’s a lot of dads out there that have a sense of humor and like to fuck around with their kids. But that’s not ALL dads. Some of them take life VERY seriously, and DO NOT need parental supervision at the apple orchard farm!! How dare you imply that ALL men have a sense of humor!!

How could this super dad possibly rectify this grave injustice?

At that point I knew two things: 1) I was going to firmly but respectfully call them on it via their Facebook page and ask them to reconsider, and 2) I was going to get absolutely slammed by angry Internet zealots upset about “political correctness.”

He knew he was gonna get slammed, yet he didn’t stop for a second to ponder why. Because why think about how dumb the things you’re saying are when you can freak out for no reason whatsoever? Freaking out is way more fun. Because everyone knows fat bastards like this DO NOT like to poke fun at themselves:

Unfortunately, this is usually what happens when men speak out against negative and harmful stereotypes that cast dads as overgrown children and second-class parents. We’re told to “suck it up and be a man.” We’re told we should shut our mouths because there are more important issues on which to focus. We’re even told there’s a lot of truth in those old stereotypes, because many dads are like children and do need supervision.

Yea when I looked at that sign, the first thing I thought was “harmful.” I mean, as a man my feelings were destroyed just by seeing it.

Look, this sign is not the end of the world and it’s far from the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. But you have to understand the mixed messages fathers get nowadays, and how negative the cumulative effect can be when the bar for dads is set so low.

Yea, I totally get mixed messages all the time too. On the one hand I’m supposed to be mature and responsible. But then I turn on the TV and all the dads are hilarious and immature. Why just the other day I was watching this show called “Family Guy” and the dad was hilariously irresponsible. Do you understand how confusing these mixed messages are for me?

Sure this guy could just realize that it’s a fucking joke. He could come to terms with the fact that this sign isn’t REALLY setting the bar for dads so low. He could just admit that the people who made the sign don’t REALLY think that dads should require parental supervision. But then what’s he gonna write about on the Daddy Files?

It doesn’t end at the apple orchard in Northboro though…

It gets even worse in the media. Huggies thought incompetent dads were the “ultimate test” for their diapers, Clorox put dads on par with house pets, and Ray Romano’s character in “Everybody Loves Raymond” constantly had to be bailed out by his wife, making him the gold standard of what not to do if you want to be an involved dad.

Stop the fight!!! I’ve seen enough!! Dads in diaper commercials who ignore their kids gigantic dumps because they’re watching football?? Huggies thought they could get away with a commercial like that? Dads NEVER ignore their children’s sweet, glorious dumps to watch the Patriots. I know that this super daddy blogger literally stares at his child for hours and hours straight, just waiting for that moment when his son unleashes a masterful smash in his diaper.

And for the love of God, can we PLEASE do something about the scourge that is Everyone Loves Raymond? Who does Ray Romano think he is anyway? A comedian? Cracking jokes about distracted fathers who don’t freak out about everything is funny? That’s not what real men do. REAL men never need their wife to bail them out of a bad situation.

I know that Mrs. Turtleboy has NEVER shaken her head in embarrassment because I spilled mustard all over my freshly cleaned slacks. Again. I know that Mrs. Turtleboy has NEVER come home to find out that the dishes are STILL festooning in the sink because I spent an hour on Redtube Youtube. And Mrs. Turtelboy has NEVER, ever complained that I ignore her when football is on. Because real men are always cool under pressure, and never, ever get distracted by sports.

How dare they assume men have a sense of humor!!! Do these reverse misogynists realize that women aren’t the only people who can act irrationally and freak out about everything? Fuck no. Men have EVERY right to have a designated five day period of the month where they simply cannot be reasoned with.

If dads take on more work at home, more women can choose to pursue careers. As for working moms, it allows them to get out from under the so-called “Second Shift,” in which they work and then have to come home to handle the bulk of household and childcare related tasks. The upside is children benefit from time with both parents, men start to become more equal partners in parenting, and women gain ground in the gender equality department.

Oh now, I get it. This guy just doesn’t wanna get a real job. So instead of shaving and throwing on a pair of non-zebra pajama pants, he just masquerades as a champion of gender equality instead. Because kissing ass to the feministos is a lot easier then having to go to work every day. But yea, there is NOTHING emasculating about being a full time stay-at-home dad. Nothing emasculating about that whatsoever.

It’s not whiny to offer valid criticism and it’s not effeminate to speak up for change. And if Emma Watson is brave enough to speak up even in the face 4Chan bullies* threatening to release nude pictures of her, I’m more than happy to be called a “spineless lib-tard crybaby” if it helps even a few more people break down gender stereotypes.

Yup, nothing whiny about my boy Daddy Files at all. And it’s not effeminate either. Even ask him. This guy’s crusade against the apple farm clearly has helped many, many people out there break down gender stereotypes. That’s exactly what it did. Because there’s just no way possible that the majority of people who read this article are laughing at him historically. No way.

You know who the real loser in this whole thing is? This poor guy’s kids. I would never, ever shit on a kid in this blog, unless they punch a bus driver in the face. Quite the contrary, I’m standing up for his kids. Because we’ve all been teenagers before. It’s a terrible time, and all of a sudden the people you loved so much growing up are the most embarrassing people on the face of the earth.

How bad is this poor kid gonna hate middle and high school? Because it might be cute now, but once this guy starts flipping out when his kid doesn’t get a B+ from a gender-stereotyping english teacher, the kid is probably gonna start to hate this guy like any teenager would.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

Follow us on Twitter and on Facebook