Angry Apple Orchard Dad Somehow Emasculates Himself Even Worse With Hilarious Blog For Time Magazine

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So earlier this week we wrote about some idiot named Aaron Gouveia who writes a blog called The Daddy Files. The guy took grave offense to this sign from Tougas Family Farm in Northboro:


Because obviously this sign is extremely offensive. Dads are serious people at all times. No joking around for us!!! Jokes that suggest that fathers like to fuck around and have a good time with their kids will NOT be tolerated on The Daddy Files!!

Well, apparently this dingleweed also is some sort of freelancer for the Huffington Post and Time. After we called him out on his shit he basically felt the wrath of the Turtleboy Sports army. His Facebook was bombarded by rational people who wanted to laugh at him for being such a naniburger. He did what anyone with a ridiculous opinion and no real point does when cornered – he blocked everyone, and left this manifesto:

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Newsflash – no one called you a faggot. You literally made that up to turn yourself into a victim, because obviously making yourself a victim is your schtick. We get it. But at least be accurate. Yea, some people called you a pansy. So what? Pansy is a great American word, particularly when you add “ass” to the end of it. If you can’t handle getting called a “pansy” then you shouldn’t be in the blogging game. Pansy ass.

Anyway he wrote about his horrific experience at the apple farm for TimeHere’s some of our favorite parts of it…

As my wife and two sons dutifully joined me in the most quintessential of New England activities, we paid our money and eagerly set out toward the tractor that would bring us to the honeycrisp, macoun, and gala apples we love so much.

Isn’t this guy just such a super dad?!! Gee golly, what a slice of Americana this guy is.

But before we could hitch our ride we had to stand in line, giving my 6-year-old – a first-grader with a voracious appetite for reading – time to show off his budding skills by reading every single sign in sight. Except this particular sign was one I wish neither of us had seen (and not just because the font was Comic Sans).

Oh man, what did it say? Was it covered in pornography? Did it teach him some new four letter words? What was the horror that appeared on this sign?

It said “All Children (And Dads) Must Be With An Adult At All Times.” 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Get the fuck out of here!!! The sign actually said that? How did his son cope with this traumatic situation?

My son was confused, and asked me if “daddies have to be watched like kids.”

Now you might be saying to yourself, “just tell your kid it’s a joke.” But that would be way too rational for this guy. Because why brush something off when you can make a federal fucking case out of it? Gotta build up some material for the next issue of the Daddy Diaries right?

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I was confused as well, wondering how a “family friendly” farm could be so tone deaf in taking an unnecessary potshot at fathers (who double as paying customers).

I know right? You call yourself a “family friendly” farm and you’re basically taking a steamy dump on dads everywhere? Clearly this sign was put up maliciously to stick it to all the great dads out there like our boy Aaron Gouveia. It definitely wasn’t done in good humor. Sure there’s a lot of dads out there that have a sense of humor and like to fuck around with their kids. But that’s not ALL dads. Some of them take life VERY seriously, and DO NOT need parental supervision at the apple orchard farm!! How dare you imply that ALL men have a sense of humor!!

How could this super dad possibly rectify this grave injustice?

At that point I knew two things: 1) I was going to firmly but respectfully call them on it via their Facebook page and ask them to reconsider, and 2) I was going to get absolutely slammed by angry Internet zealots upset about “political correctness.”

He knew he was gonna get slammed, yet he didn’t stop for a second to ponder why. Because why think about how dumb the things you’re saying are when you can freak out for no reason whatsoever? Freaking out is way more fun. Because everyone knows fat bastards like this DO NOT like to poke fun at themselves:

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Unfortunately, this is usually what happens when men speak out against negative and harmful stereotypes that cast dads as overgrown children and second-class parents. We’re told to “suck it up and be a man.” We’re told we should shut our mouths because there are more important issues on which to focus. We’re even told there’s a lot of truth in those old stereotypes, because many dads are like children and do need supervision.

Yea when I looked at that sign, the first thing I thought was “harmful.” I mean, as a man my feelings were destroyed just by seeing it.

Look, this sign is not the end of the world and it’s far from the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. But you have to understand the mixed messages fathers get nowadays, and how negative the cumulative effect can be when the bar for dads is set so low.

Yea, I totally get mixed messages all the time too. On the one hand I’m supposed to be mature and responsible. But then I turn on the TV and all the dads are hilarious and immature. Why just the other day I was watching this show called “Family Guy” and the dad was hilariously irresponsible. Do you understand how confusing these mixed messages are for me?

Sure this guy could just realize that it’s a fucking joke. He could come to terms with the fact that this sign isn’t REALLY setting the bar for dads so low. He could just admit that the people who made the sign don’t REALLY think that dads should require parental supervision. But then what’s he gonna write about on the Daddy Files?

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It doesn’t end at the apple orchard in Northboro though…

It gets even worse in the media. Huggies thought incompetent dads were the “ultimate test” for their diapers, Clorox put dads on par with house pets, and Ray Romano’s character in “Everybody Loves Raymond” constantly had to be bailed out by his wife, making him the gold standard of what not to do if you want to be an involved dad.

Stop the fight!!! I’ve seen enough!! Dads in diaper commercials who ignore their kids gigantic dumps because they’re watching football?? Huggies thought they could get away with a commercial like that? Dads NEVER ignore their children’s sweet, glorious dumps to watch the Patriots. I know that this super daddy blogger literally stares at his child for hours and hours straight, just waiting for that moment when his son unleashes a masterful smash in his diaper.

And for the love of God, can we PLEASE do something about the scourge that is Everyone Loves Raymond? Who does Ray Romano think he is anyway? A comedian? Cracking jokes about distracted fathers who don’t freak out about everything is funny? That’s not what real men do. REAL men never need their wife to bail them out of a bad situation.

I know that Mrs. Turtleboy has NEVER shaken her head in embarrassment because I spilled mustard all over my freshly cleaned slacks. Again. I know that Mrs. Turtleboy has NEVER come home to find out that the dishes are STILL festooning in the sink because I spent an hour on Redtube Youtube. And Mrs. Turtelboy has NEVER, ever complained that I ignore her when football is on. Because real men are always cool under pressure, and never, ever get distracted by sports.

How dare they assume men have a sense of humor!!! Do these reverse misogynists realize that women aren’t the only people who can act irrationally and freak out about everything? Fuck no. Men have EVERY right to have a designated five day period of the month where they simply cannot be reasoned with.


If dads take on more work at home, more women can choose to pursue careers. As for working moms, it allows them to get out from under the so-called “Second Shift,” in which they work and then have to come home to handle the bulk of household and childcare related tasks. The upside is children benefit from time with both parents, men start to become more equal partners in parenting, and women gain ground in the gender equality department.

Oh now, I get it. This guy just doesn’t wanna get a real job. So instead of shaving and throwing on a pair of non-zebra pajama pants, he just masquerades as a champion of gender equality instead. Because kissing ass to the feministos is a lot easier then having to go to work every day. But yea, there is NOTHING emasculating about being a full time stay-at-home dad. Nothing emasculating about that whatsoever.

It’s not whiny to offer valid criticism and it’s not effeminate to speak up for change. And if Emma Watson is brave enough to speak up even in the face 4Chan bullies* threatening to release nude pictures of her, I’m more than happy to be called a “spineless lib-tard crybaby” if it helps even a few more people break down gender stereotypes.

Yup, nothing whiny about my boy Daddy Files at all. And it’s not effeminate either. Even ask him. This guy’s crusade against the apple farm clearly has helped many, many people out there break down gender stereotypes. That’s exactly what it did. Because there’s just no way possible that the majority of people who read this article are laughing at him historically. No way.

You know who the real loser in this whole thing is? This poor guy’s kids. I would never, ever shit on a kid in this blog, unless they punch a bus driver in the face. Quite the contrary, I’m standing up for his kids. Because we’ve all been teenagers before. It’s a terrible time, and all of a sudden the people you loved so much growing up are the most embarrassing people on the face of the earth.

How bad is this poor kid gonna hate middle and high school? Because it might be cute now, but once this guy starts flipping out when his kid doesn’t get a B+ from a gender-stereotyping english teacher, the kid is probably gonna start to hate this guy like any teenager would.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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27 Comment(s)
  • September 29, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    I feel like he is hiding something big. Like he has a vagina or something. He is very ugly but there is something womanish about him. Big ugly ghetto ass woman actually. Ugh just gross.

  • Frogshit
    September 29, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    Is there a JackB on every blog????

  • Frogshit
    September 29, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Does that guy really wear those fucking pants in public???????? WTF! Someone should save his kid!

  • Couwraec
    September 28, 2014 at 8:47 am

    “But yea, there is NOTHING emasculating about being a full time stay-at-home dad. Nothing emasculating about that whatsoever.”

    OMG can you imagine. That would be like having a lady doctor or pilot.

  • GrandWizard Ultra Dragon King of the South
    September 28, 2014 at 12:42 am

    GrandWizard Ultra Dragon King of the South is not pleased with Aaron Gouveia’s parents. HOW DARE THEY CASTRATE THEIR SON .

    September 27, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    This guy should be forced to wear a sign around his neck at the Qunisg Bridge that says, “I’m a pussy who’s Daddy was too busy working instead of spending time with me to feed my fat ass and send me to college so I could grow up and be a failure and thus I have no ability to take croticism or appreciate satire…..”Nahhhh maybe just, I’m a pussy with an irritated mangina

    Seriously, any man wearing zebra pajamas and those dumb sandals needs to spend some time watching the history channel at Hooters to learn how to man the fuck up

    this guy is everything wrong with America

  • Mike Jr.
    September 27, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    This is what happens when a boy is raised by 2 fem-nazis. Honestly, I feel bad for his kids. Unfortunately they’ll never learn coping skills. Instead, they will only learn how to be a victim and cry foul when someone does something to offend them.

    Aaron – If you see this, you are a bitch. Whether your dad admits it or not, he’s embarrassed of you. You are a let down of a man. I’m sure he’d prefer you just be gay and own it. No shame in that.

    • Mike Jr.
      September 27, 2014 at 9:41 pm

      Sorry, didn’t mean to bring gay into this. That has nothing to do with it. You’re just a bitch.

      • September 27, 2014 at 10:19 pm

        Does junior refer to your intellect or penis size.

  • Gonewestbutnotsoft
    September 27, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    “Just remember the pats, celtics and Bruins and Sox suck and so bad writers”

    Grammar police should really proofread before posting.

    And games of thrones? Original thoughts aren’t the same as relevant thoughts. Edible napkins. That’s an original thought, but it’s not relevant at all.
    Come on JackieB! Let me take you to a B’s game. Wear that Habs jersey, you seem like the type.

    • September 27, 2014 at 6:16 pm

      West, I am typing slowly again so you can keep up. The lower case is intentional because those losers don’t deserve any respect. I am a Kings fan, you know the team that won the cup again. I don’t give a crap about the Habs.

      But I suppose I don’t mind jumping in the mud with angry low lifes who use an anonymous blog to try and bully other people.

      The first post wasn’t funny or well written and this one is disjointed gibberish that demonstrates that Planned Parenthood failed to help some people who were in dire need of it.

      You guys make me laugh.

  • September 27, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Dear bestiality boy this screed is a slight improvement over the first semi literate nonsense you posted. I can appreciate that a guy like you is a fine judge of character. After all who but the guy whose symbol is a boy shtupping a turtle could possibly come up with a better critique than you did.

    I am not surprised to see it took you several days to ejaculate across our screen with almost 1,800 words 1,650 of which did nothing to support your point or add substance to the discussion.

    It must feel good to refer to your grandparents, parents and the 12 people you didn’t pay to read your junk to be a part of the Turtleboy Sports army.

    Might have been cooler to make some sort of Game of Thrones reference, you know where you tell Aaron to watch out because Winter is Coming.

    But that might require original thought and effort.

    Your first piece was neither wise nor funny and this is one falls short the mark too. Pull your pal out of the reptile’s derriere and do something productive with your day.

    Do I need to explain that I just said stop banging that turtle’s ass because it is both illegal and nasty.

    Anyway, it has been fun. Just remember the pats, celtics and Bruins and Sox suck and so bad writers who aren’t smart enough to recognize that it is time to get out mama’s basement and get a real job.


    • Beetle
      September 27, 2014 at 12:27 pm

      And here’s another scarf wearing Nancy

      • September 27, 2014 at 6:18 pm

        Yeah, that one got me. I am so ashamed. Would that be the same scarf your wife asked me to use to tie her up with. Boy, we are all very funny today. Woohoo.

        Bullies and losers. How impressive.

        • Beetle
          September 28, 2014 at 10:13 pm

          Dude, I’m gay… Hopefully you enjoyed that tranny, sailor.

          • September 29, 2014 at 3:43 am

            We did and he said it was amazing.

    • Finnish goalie
      September 27, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      I would imagine Turtle Boy appreciates the page views.

  • September 27, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I wonder what the wife’s hot take on all this is. She must either be too embarrassed, or too busy working to voice an opinion.

  • Beetle
    September 27, 2014 at 9:59 am

    I bet this guy wears scarfs.

  • SukMyPhart
    September 27, 2014 at 9:41 am

    If you’re just a turtleboy, and not yet a turtleman, does that make Mrs. Turtleboy a pedophile?

  • Mike
    September 27, 2014 at 9:36 am

    It shocks me that adults out there can go around and bully people for having a different opinion. Congratulations on being the same jock bullies you probably were in high school. I feel sorry for the kids that your kids will end up bullying themselves.

    • September 27, 2014 at 11:35 am

      So you don’t think that he didn’t bully the apple orchard first dumb fuck?

    • Finnish goalie
      September 27, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      He pressured a place to change a harmless sign. First Blood in this fight was not Turtle Boys.

    • Mike Jr.
      September 27, 2014 at 9:24 pm

      Seriously? Mike, tell your moms I said hi. By the way, not a jock, not a bully, just a normal guy who is tired of men acting like bitches.

  • SukMyPhart
    September 27, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Hypothetically, I bet this guy turns down blowjobs.

  • September 27, 2014 at 8:09 am

    omg please provide a link to the Time/Huff Post blog he wrote, b/c he needs some comments and fast

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