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Are you ready for some Soccer???!!!!!!

Hey I know America is under dogged in Vegas in this game, but there’s just no way they should lose. Look, this isn’t Germany or France or Brazil. It’s fucking Belgium. That’s a clown country bro. Like in the grand scheme of things we have to take Germany and France seriously in everything. When those countries declare war on someone America has to get involved. But Belgium? LOL. That’s a cut through country.

Belgium is like the Connecticut of Western Europe. The parallels are strikingly similar. If France is New York, and Germany is Massachusetts, then Belgium is Connecticut. It’s this country of no particular significance that you have to spend a lot of time in while you’re on your way to a real country.

And just like Connecticut, Belgium has ZERO identity. Quick, tell me what language they speak in Belgium? Belgianese? Wrong. They have no official language. How can you be considered a real country if you don’t have a language? About 60% of the country speaks something called “Flemish.” That’s right, the most popular language in Belgium is something named after the nastiness that is stuck in your grandfather’s throat while he coughs.

The rest speak either German, French, or Dutch. Many speak all of four languages. Newsflash – if you have to learn more than one language to live in a country, then you’re not a real country. It’s like people in CT. Do they go with the Long Island accent or the Boston accent? Red Sox or Yankees? Doesn’t matter, you pick!!! Yea, sorry that’s not real.

Look, Belgium probably shouldn’t exist as a country. It should either be West Germany or North France. Obviously the only point of it existing is to prevent another war between those two real countries. It’s basically the same reason Poland was put between Russia and Germany. It’s a nice, easy country to invade when times get tough, and a nice place to visit and buy chocolate waffles when times are good. Oh yea, and it’s filled with Flemish Junior Smokeshows:

For Belgium they view their soccer team the same way people in CT view UConn basketball. It’s all they’ve got, so they’re fired up about it. Obviously beating the most powerful country in the world makes it seem reasonable that they have sovereignty. That’s why America simply cannot lose this game. I don’t care what Vegas says. America does’t lose to Belgium in anything. It’s simply unacceptable.

What happens if America wins? Well, soccer becomes real legit around here. If America can pull the first upset of the World Cup tournament stage and advance to play Argentina and the greatest player in the world on the day after the fourth of July, then there will be a real jingo buzz from sea to shining sea. Next World Cup the U.S.A. will be the group you don’t wanna end up in at the World Cup draw. We instantly become one of those countries – a nation that has never won a World Cup, but who will always be knocking on the doorstep (i.e. Netherlands, Portugal). If not, then we go back to being mediocre and we just dominate the world at everything else instead.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.