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Just when you thought that no one could replace Turtleoby as the most controversial columnist in the 508, Dianne Williamson at the Telegram wrote this gem:
I love it. Hadn’t even read the column and I’m with her 110%. Turtleboy is anti-Adele. First of all, her music sucks. It’s depressing and I have no time for it. Turtleboy already went through his depressing music stage in the 90’s when he was one of millions of teenagers identifying with the miserable themes associated with grunge. I look back on some of that music I used to love (Alice in Chains, Silverchair, Soundgarden), and think to myself, “Why did I hate life so much? Was it really that bad living at home with Mom? Did everyone really not understand me?” That’s what comes to mind when I hear Adele – 1995 grunge Turtleboy.
Dianne is a lot of things as a writer, and two of those things are edgy and satirical. Some would even call her “Turtleboy” at times. Here’s a snippet of what she wrote about Adele:
Hello. It’s me.
And I’ve had enough of Adele. Forgive me, for I realize this borders on blasphemy.
It’s not like I bear the woman any ill will. She seems like a nice person and she’s recorded a couple of decent songs.
I just don’t get why she’s taking over the world, like Donald Trump but with better hair. And like Trump, she’s everywhere. On the radio. Singing her hit “Hello” on the nightly talk shows. Hogging last month’s cover of Rolling Stone. Disguising herself as an Adele impersonator to appear on the BBC with a gaggle of fake Adeles. Releasing new singles so the world can weep.
The words to “Hello,” for example, coupled with some other hit songs, reveal a troubling pattern I’ve suspected for some time: The much-adored Adele is actually a creepy stalker.
Adele, honey, get the hint. Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you. He’s not picking up the phone. He’s moved on, which is more than we can say for you. I’m not sure what’s so touching or evocative about this mediocre song. If I were her ex, I’d file for a restraining order.
See, that’s funny. It’s that style of writing that has caused many people to believe that she is in fact Turtleboy. But just like Turtleboy has gotten loyal turtle riders all riled up with some of our more controversial takes (American flag backdrops, refusing to shovel snow off the roof), Dianne has also learned the hard way that a turtle rider reaction is one hell of a sight. The fact that she has the misfortune of being employed by a newspaper that is so terrible my cat won’t shit in it – Samantha Allen’s Telegram and Gazette – made this the perfect storm for angry Facebook commentary. And I’m more than willing to bet that the majority of these people ride the turtle on the regular:
Hey Dianne – welcome to the Turtleboy zone. Population – me and you. She did have her supporters though, and this might by Turtleboy’s favorite commentary on the subject:
The only thing I disagree with Dianne about is that Dianne said that in contrast to Adele, Taylor Swift is popular because her lyrics are simple and mindless. Newsflash – Taylor Swift does the exact same thing Adele does, except she’s pretty and she dances. But make no mistake about it, according to their lyrics they are always the victims of a bad break up that was NEVER their fault.
The bottom line is that Dianne is absolutely correct. Adele is the Lena Dunham of singing.
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