Mainstream Media Fails

Columnist Dianne Williamson Learns Valuable Life Lesson: Don’t Mess With Adele

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Just when you thought that no one could replace Turtleoby as the most controversial columnist in the 508, Dianne Williamson at the Telegram wrote this gem:

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I love it. Hadn’t even read the column and I’m with her 110%. Turtleboy is anti-Adele. First of all, her music sucks. It’s depressing and I have no time for it. Turtleboy already went through his depressing music stage in the 90’s when he was one of millions of teenagers identifying with the miserable themes associated with grunge. I look back on some of that music I used to love (Alice in Chains, Silverchair, Soundgarden), and think to myself, “Why did I hate life so much? Was it really that bad living at home with Mom? Did everyone really not understand me?” That’s what comes to mind when I hear Adele – 1995 grunge Turtleboy.

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Dianne is a lot of things as a writer, and two of those things are edgy and satirical. Some would even call her “Turtleboy” at times. Here’s a snippet of what she wrote about Adele:

Hello. It’s me. 

And I’ve had enough of Adele. Forgive me, for I realize this borders on blasphemy. 

It’s not like I bear the woman any ill will. She seems like a nice person and she’s recorded a couple of decent songs.

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I just don’t get why she’s taking over the world, like Donald Trump but with better hair. And like Trump, she’s everywhere. On the radio. Singing her hit “Hello” on the nightly talk shows. Hogging last month’s cover of Rolling Stone. Disguising herself as an Adele impersonator to appear on the BBC with a gaggle of fake Adeles. Releasing new singles so the world can weep.

The words to “Hello,” for example, coupled with some other hit songs, reveal a troubling pattern I’ve suspected for some time: The much-adored Adele is actually a creepy stalker.

Adele, honey, get the hint. Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you. He’s not picking up the phone. He’s moved on, which is more than we can say for you. I’m not sure what’s so touching or evocative about this mediocre song. If I were her ex, I’d file for a restraining order.

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See, that’s funny. It’s that style of writing that has caused many people to believe that she is in fact Turtleboy. But just like Turtleboy has gotten loyal turtle riders all riled up with some of our more controversial takes (American flag backdrops, refusing to shovel snow off the roof), Dianne has also learned the hard way that a turtle rider reaction is one hell of a sight. The fact that she has the misfortune of being employed by a newspaper that is so terrible my cat won’t shit in it – Samantha Allen’s Telegram and Gazette – made this the perfect storm for angry Facebook commentary. And I’m more than willing to bet that the majority of these people ride the turtle on the regular:

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Hey Dianne – welcome to the Turtleboy zone. Population – me and you. She did have her supporters though, and this might by Turtleboy’s favorite commentary on the subject:

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Love it.

The only thing I disagree with Dianne about is that Dianne said that in contrast to Adele, Taylor Swift is popular because her lyrics are simple and mindless. Newsflash – Taylor Swift does the exact same thing Adele does, except she’s pretty and she dances. But make no mistake about it, according to their lyrics they are always the victims of a bad break up that was NEVER their fault.

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The bottom line is that Dianne is absolutely  correct. Adele is the Lena Dunham of singing.

 

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11 Comment(s)
  • Joetime
    December 17, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Adele’s music makes me want to drive off a bridge almost as much as country Christmas music does. T SWIFT FTW!!!

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    December 17, 2015 at 12:31 am

    I’m sure Adele is a nice woman, and she has a really powerful voice.

    But her music sucks more dick than a five dollar hooker. Rolling in the deep is just repetitive shit. The one she did for the last Bond movie was forgettable at best. And Hello is a fucking funeral dirge.

    Christ, What do people do at an Adele concert? Cry, eat ice cream, and drunk dial their ex boyfriends?

    • Skeptical
      December 17, 2015 at 11:43 am

      Best comment of the year-hands down.

      “Funeral dirge.” The fact that you used dirge and actually know what it means almost arouses me. I like you more every comment I read Wabbitt.

      But I do have to say Adele has found quite the niche, can’t blame her for capitalizing on it, we all would if we could to make those bucks.

      • Wabbitt
        wabbitt
        December 18, 2015 at 6:00 pm

        Well, despite assertions to the contrary, turtle riders aren’t just a bunch of knuckle dragging, gun nut, Tea Party whack jobs. Many of us are well read and know how to construct a sentence.

  • Jeffrey Neal is Deb's sugar daddy!
    December 16, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    I would mind Adele sitting on my face. I’d love to toss that salad. No a fan of her music though.

    • TurtleBoySpurts
      December 18, 2015 at 8:53 am

      Well, you liked me sitting on your face too. 😉

  • Chris From Georgia
    December 16, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    Never heard of Adele. Who is she?

  • Jake from StateFarm
    December 16, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    yawn

  • Holden Defense Forces
    December 16, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Her undying hatred for Holden, Massachusetts is a bit over the top. Otherwise Diane is pretty funny!

    • Former Holdenite
      December 16, 2015 at 3:17 pm

      *cough* Holden sucks. *cough*

    • Finnish Goalie
      December 16, 2015 at 6:18 pm

      Hail Hail the HDF!!

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