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This is hands down one of the most entertaining social media feuds I have ever come across. It’s like “cops and robbers” for adults, where the cop doubles as a comedian and the robber is a supremely ratchet chinstrap with a tenuous grasp on the First Amendment.

In the red corner we have the cop-hating Connecticumrag, Timothy Edward.

Whose skills include smoking weed,

Wearing flat brimmed hats,

Beating shirtless and at home at 1pm on a Tuesday!

Growing Ginger pubes on his chin

And taking selfies that would make excellent Grindr profile pics.

Sling your yogurt right here!

And in the blue corner, we have the Comedian Cop, Officer Smith.

Whose skills include protecting public safety,

And generally being pretty fucking funny.

It all starts when the Connecticumrag brilliantly takes to Facebook to brag about a decal he had scraped off a police car.

The Comedian Cop catches wind, and shares the post with a disclaimer aimed at the local PD.

And dubs the Connecticumrag “White Toast Malone” in an epic verbal smack down.

Toast Malone responds with some weak, basic ratchet “F the police” posts,

Which then apparently results in the Connecticumrag getting utterly roasted by Comedian Cop and his numerous supporters, causing him to take down the original post and cry HORSEMENT through his girlfriend like the beta male he is.

But the internet is forever, Toast.

And the smack down slid right into his DMs, too, causing him to sob even louder in public.

“Wahhhh, this cop was mean to me off duty after I provoked him.”

Luckily his equally babysoft friend brought some tissues, and enlisted the services of a made up Facebook attorney.

Might I suggest Attorney Richard N Vulva?

And then as a last ditch effort/death rattle, the Connecticumrag tries to fall back on the First Amendment,

But probably should have spent more time in class and less time in the woods smoking weed and listening to Ja Rule, because bottom line: The First Amendment protects you from the government punishing or censoring or oppressing your speech. It doesn’t apply to private organizations. You can’t make a First Amendment claim in court.

So no Better Call Saul style litigation for you, Toast! Sorry.

And yet, it would appear Ginger muffbeard is still trying to keep this going, despite being slapped into place like the redheaded stepchild he indubitably is,

Which just seems like an unwise move to me.  White Toast Malone, if you’re reading this, I would love to hear your defense on this week’s Turtleboy live. You should definitely have your people, AKA your girlfriend who fights your battles on social media, contact my people, AKA Turtleboy Sports Forever, to set that up ASAP. And Officer Smith, I would like to buy you a beer, sir, for not only your service but your incredible skills in total verbal annihilation – we could come up with some awesome jokes together, I just know it.

Call us!