When are people going to learn that no one wants to hear about their bullshit online? Take Melissa Meredith of Norwich, Connecticut for instance.

Outside of her subpar dental hygeine, Melissa appears to enjoy worthwhile hobbies like long, whiny rants on business pages and totally oversharing details that literally no one cares about. You know, sort of like a liar would do, but I’m sure this totally happened:

Oh no, she has ACTUAL psychological damage from shopping at Stop n’ Shop, you guys! Sound serious. Maybe she shouldn’t go out in public if other’s moods have such an effect on her. Maybe she’d be better suited for a rubber room somewhere with a custom jacket? Despite this, she still spends HUNDREDS of dollar a month at the same chain supermarket that regularly victimizes her with the staff’s bad days and confusion, and even though literally no one asked for it, she’ll provide her store card to prove it. Seems rational, and totally legit.

Ok, homegirl. Maybe you should skip the Lucky Charms, even if they are on sale.

Sugar is NOT your friend.

And she had to wait 15 minutes in line, which isn’t a big deal apparently, but she’s going to tell you anyway. After this long, arduous wait she encounters Kelly, who apparently is some sort of grocery bagging sadist who derives her pleasure from making Meth Mouth Melissa cry at the register. Every. Single. Time. Melissa has a 9 month old child in tow that she curiously has starved up until this point, and because Kelly is a monster with an inexplicable vendetta against the high-strung trailer queen who spends HUNDREDS of dollars a month at the store, she takes her time looking over the formula checks, because if you’re not starving babies in between ringing in grocery orders, you just aren’t Stop n’ Shop in Norwich, CT material, I guess. You know all this must be true, because look at this face:

Would that face lie to you for attention and pity on the internet? Surely not!

Jesus Christ, Melissa. Your post made me take a handful of Advil and Prozac just to be able to write this blog. Cleanup on aisle 10, Buzzkillington has soaked the floor in tears and menstrual blood! There is just so much bullshit to unpack here. First and foremost, if your child eating depends on a $5.00 Similac check, you have conclusively failed as a parent. We have 3 main jobs as parents – feed the kid, clothe the kid, and keep a roof over the kids head. It’s so simple, millions of people do it every day Melissa, but here you are, starving your kid in the Stop n’ Shop checkout line while allegedly crying like your goldfish just died. You are not doing well. Child protective services may owe you a visit if you keep this shit up. Did the baby ever get to eat, or is she wasting away to nothing as we speak like some sort of Indian street urchin? Did you feed her the Lucky Charms?

I don’t care what you feed me, anything would be magically delicious right about now, Ma.

I bet Kelly is somewhere cackling with glee, right?

Would you like your organs returned to you in plastic or paper bags, my pretty?

Totally implausible story notwithstanding, the post worked like a charm, because she used CAPITAL LETTERS and the word “crying” a lot, and threw in her crotch fruit for good measure – which is guaranteed bait for gullible idiots on the internet who come armed with #thoughtsandprayer.

If you aren’t outraged and saddened by this one sided story posted on Facebook by a chick with the mouth of a Fall River crackho who readily admits to being unable to independently feed her own child, you probably don’t have a soul!

We’ll just ignore the starving baby, then. Still don’t know if she’s eaten, considering her mother’s idea of financial planning revolves around $5 formula coupons and tracking sales on sugary General Mills cereals. But how unacceptable is it that Kelly is out there with her scan gun and plastic bags, just making people cry?!

Shockingly, someone showed in the comments to call out Melissa’s totally not bogus story about how the entire Stop n’ Shop, save for the angelic albeit inconveniently unavailable Stephanie, colluded to ruin Melissa’s entire day.

Huh. Didn’t see that coming. I thought for sure I overheard a “How To Ruin Melissa Meredith’s Life: Day 120” seminar going on in the employee break room last time I ran out for some milk and eggs and had to use the ladies room. It might even be in the Stop n’ Shop employee handbook. No way is she just making this all up because she is bored and insecure and her life lacks any real meaning. No way! Naturally, inserting any purported eye-witness testimony or common fucking sense was unacceptable, as it meant Melissa was yet again victimized. Facebook has joined the conspiracy against her. Egregious!

She’s got VIDEO EVIDENCE, y’all! Despite plotting against her constantly, Stop n’ Shop apparently also takes this super, super seriously you guys. SHE IS A VICTIM and don’t you dare doubt that, despite what logic may suggest. Don’t question her at all, actually.

Oh man, she’s too smart you guys, the plot is foiled! She figured out I am, in fact, a covert employee of the Norwich, CT Stop n’ Shop, sent to further torment her with my “undue harassment” and “cyber bullying” by commenting on a public post questioning a pretty clearly bullshit story. Even if it’s not bullshit (and that’s a generous stretch)…Literally no one cares, Melissa. No one actually cares.

I guess I wasn’t the only employee sent there as an undercover cyber terrorist, either.

Well, then. That clears it up. Melissa Meredith is a totally sane and reasonable individual who was  most definitely unjustly victimized by Kelly the evil cashier, and don’t you dare ask any questions about it, or else you’ll be exposed as an agent of the Stop n’ Shop union cyber terrorist division. Simple enough, sorry for the confusion. But there’s still one question left lingering unanswered….

HAVE YOU FED YOUR BABY YET, MELISSA?

Oh, and also, when is the GoFundMe link coming up?