Connecticut Internet Lawyer Is Taking Down Turtleboy By Calling Our Advertisers For Scathing Video Expose He’s Publishing On Imaginary Website That Doesn’t Exist

Connecticut Internet Lawyer Is Taking Down Turtleboy By Calling Our Advertisers For Scathing Video Expose He’s Publishing On Imaginary Website That Doesn’t Exist

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A few weeks back we got this imaginary Internet lawsuit in our inbox from a man named Matt Murpy at “Lucid Productions Co,” who was using the Facebook nom de plume “Jack Oneil”:

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Sounds serious. VERY serious. He’s even got an imaginary company too!!!

Desk Girl and SSTG were manning the inbox and they had some fun with him:

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LOL. We LOVE when they say “you don’t have my consent to print” after they’ve voluntarily gone out of their way to send us several hilarious long-winded messages threatening imaginary lawsuits and scathing exposes. It’s so cute. Never gets old. Just FYI if you ever say, “this is NOT for print” we’re almost definitely gonna print it. Just sayin.

Apparently this guy wants to lure us into his “studio” so he can conduct a Dateline type interview as part of his ongoing investigation, we just have to sign some waivers and present him with ID:

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He also says that Turtleboy is insignificant because he has a rapper friend with 45,000 followers on Facebook. He just doesn’t know the name of his imaginary rapper friend.

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According to Matt Murphy, him and his production crew team are the “lions in the tall grass, waiting to pounce,” as well as the “vultures and hyenas surrounding us, waiting for our slow death to come so they can pick the flesh from our bones.” And by that he means that he’s gonna call up our advertisers and harass them with his seemingly unlimited amount of leisure time.

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The ladies manning the inbox page have apparently been going back and forth with this guy for weeks now. This is a day in the life of your average Turtleboy.

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Evidently there is a team of them “pouring over every document” they can find, and they have a busy day of calling harassing advertisers ahead of them:

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And they really want us to go to their studio at New England Tech, we just have to sign some waivers and show ID:

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Anyway, we get trolls like this all the time and we don’t blog about most of them. We’re only writing about this guy for one main reason – he bothered our advertisers. That’s where we draw the line. You can bother Desk Girl until the cows come home because she has no soul. But harassing advertisers who are doing nothing wrong and simply trying to get more business, is a declaration of war as far as we’re concerned. When you try to take food out of Turtleboy Jr’s mouth, the snapping turtle comes out to play.

Yesterday we know for a fact that he called the Gun Parlor, and they apparently told him to fuck off because they’re awesome. Is there any place in America that’s less likely to back down to a social justice warrior on a mission than the Gun Parlor? They’re not afraid of Maura Healey, so they’re definitely not gonna be pushed around by some chudberry on the Internet.

After that he called a few others, but he made a big mistake – he used his real phone number. Now, we are NOT saying that his phone number is 860-315-3930. And we are NOT telling you to call him over and over again. We would NEVER tell people to do that. Ever. So once again, the phone number you definitely should NOT call Matt Murphy at is 860-315-3930. And since you definitely will NOT be calling him, you won’t hear the answering machine for, which of course is a website that does not exist. But it will someday, and when it does, Turtleboy is going down!!

Matt Murphy is not on Facebook because according to what he told our advertisers, “Insta is where it’s at.” He told them that he just graduated from college with a BA in media production, but his father is in advertising. We couldn’t find him, until we realized that he also gave our advertiser’s his mother’s page. Because, why wouldn’t he mention his Mommy’s name while harassing small business owners? But we couldn’t find her Facebook either!! So we went on his burner account, “Jack Oneil” and saw that he had just four friends. FYI, if you make a burner account, you’re not supposed to friend request people. This is how you get doxxed.

So we went through his four friend’s lists until we found Mom’s Facebook page, because she came up on most of them when we searched for Murphy in their friends lists. And like any proud Momma, she likes to show off pictures of her successful son:

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As South Shore Turtlegirl told me – this is exactly how I pictured him.

Turns out he’s actually 29 years old, so if he just graduated from college like he claims he did, then he was taking 1 class per semester. But it’s OK because instead of taking a full course load, he was busy studying up on Internet law and starting his own imaginary business.

And according to Mom, he does NOT like it when she takes his picture:

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Mom!!! Stop it!!! You never let me do anything!!! Can you buy me a Dr. Pepper and some Skittles? The allowance you’re sending me isn’t enough!!

Anyway, clearly this guy right here is a threat. We had a good run while it lasted, but this brilliant investigative entrepreneur will be our ultimate downfall. We will keep you informed on this developing story. Stay tuned, and pray for Turtleboy.



We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

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41 Comment(s)
  • Souse Bro
    March 11, 2017 at 4:29 am

    That’s an adorable rainbow colored bag he’s clutching, however, I’m most concerned that Big Mommy didn’t tie his sneakers tight and he might fall and skin a knee…

  • boss hoggg
    March 10, 2017 at 10:56 am

    White pants are my weakness

  • WormtownorBust
    March 9, 2017 at 11:18 pm

    Great, an SJW Gamma. He should kill himself yesterday.

  • Turd Burglestein
    March 9, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    And you definitely shouldn’t sign him up for the dick pic attack. Hey, where is that ad when you need it?

    • Turd Burglestein
      March 9, 2017 at 7:09 pm

      Fuck it. I’ll just order it for myself. Nothing like having a quiet evening at home sipping some cognac and perusing some pictures of cocks. Of course nothing beats the real thing. I have a couple of them in my freezer. And no, Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t the first! I was cutting cocks off my victims long before he came around. To be honest, and I’m not bragging…just telling the truth, Hannibel Lector was modeled after me. I make a wonderful cock’n’turnips soup.

  • Troubled Nostrils
    March 9, 2017 at 3:47 pm

    I see Dr. Pepper, Skittles, and smokes. That’s all I need to know about this guy to infer that he’s had/has addiction or mental health issues of some sort. Everyone I’ve ever known that lived on sugar and cigarettes has had a loose screw in their head of some kind. What a dope!

    • LLC
      March 10, 2017 at 12:06 pm

      Low end, welfare smokes at that…

  • Ablooz Brother
    March 9, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Would that be Matt “Guitar” Murphy?

    • Urethra Franken
      March 9, 2017 at 4:09 pm

      You better think… think about what you’re tryin’ to do to me…

  • CLG
    March 9, 2017 at 3:29 pm

    College graduate? Really? They must have significantly lowered the English basic standard then, I believe we learned the difference between ‘effected’ and ‘affected’ around sixth grade. Maybe his bus was of the short version?

  • Livesinlowell
    March 9, 2017 at 3:12 pm

    Does turtleboysports allow Mathew to pick his plot in the turtleboysports graveyard or is it assigned?

    Hopefully, Mathew learned his lesson and won’t poke the turtle again.

    And sister “wood”

  • paul
    March 9, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    You should send Brett down for him to interview LOL

  • paul
    March 9, 2017 at 2:37 pm

    Must have changed his number already. “not a working number” recording.

  • Cougar hunter
    March 9, 2017 at 2:28 pm

    This story leaves so many questions for Jack to answer. He’s an instant celebrity. Of course the most important question is does his sister like the dick?

    • jose peralta-sanchez
      March 9, 2017 at 3:00 pm

      If she’s anything like her brother of course she does. I’m sure he’s showed her a trick or 2 in how to blow a few notes on the skin flute.

      • Turd Burglestein
        March 9, 2017 at 3:14 pm

        Just because you got busted doesn’t mean you don’t still owe me for that kilo. You better have my cash or I’ll send that Brian Albrecht over to your place to smash your window and toss your salad.

        • jose peralta-sanchez
          March 9, 2017 at 4:50 pm

          Oh there you are you weird fuck. What you been doing all day homey?

        • Bradley Strohl
          March 9, 2017 at 6:07 pm

          Hey man, can you sell me a couple of kilos? I’d like to get 2 every 2 weeks. Check your twitter and hmu.

  • JoeMomma
    March 9, 2017 at 2:16 pm

    What college did he graduate from, Hampshire?

    • Matt
      March 9, 2017 at 2:19 pm

      ITT Tech… With summer classes at the Salter School.

  • MrSmiley
    March 9, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    What a fucking painful novel he wrote. BA in journalism but spelled LIBEL properly once? I hate liberals so much. How dare you have an opinion that isn’t shared by the globalists!?! Slander! Libel! Must be a fascist! Still hoping California wants to be part of Canada and all these like minded fucksticks take the first tickets there….

    • Talisman
      March 9, 2017 at 2:14 pm


  • Gunny
    March 9, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    He spells like a 29 year old recently graduated college student.

  • Cougar hunter
    March 9, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    The sister is bueno fuckable and you can tell she has a good heart and looks out for her retarded brother.

    • Mom's basement
      March 9, 2017 at 2:54 pm

      Get off my kool aid! That’s what I would say if I had any intention of leaving mom’s basement

  • Diane Woods emerson
    Not sad and ashamed now wtf
    March 9, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    I have to go check but i am
    Pretty sure i just peed my pants! Lmao!!!!

  • Daul Parson
    March 9, 2017 at 1:25 pm

    Dude his sister is hot

  • Talisman
    March 9, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    Another hookworm, SJW, internet pseudo-lawyer displays their total fucking ignorance and arrogance. Bet he’s a hip-hop “produca” on the side as well. I would imagine it’s getting to be a chore managing the inbox bottleneck from turd lickers like this, despite whatever amount of entertainment value they provide. These know-nothing, do-nothing, eternally offended, festering, yeast sacks need to be ran the fuck over.. repeatedly…and then hosed up by a honey wagon.
    Good job TB

  • Kevin Lynch
    March 9, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    I’m with you Matt!! Fight the good fight!! Let me tell you about the “reporting for porn” strategy… If you got the time, and your Mom has a good internet connection, you can make a difference too!

  • Agent Smith
    March 9, 2017 at 1:06 pm

    Nice poonstache

  • Mom's basement
    March 9, 2017 at 1:06 pm

    I already know one thing, the sister and mom both wear white pants!

  • Spider Rico
    March 9, 2017 at 1:05 pm

    His sister is cute for a ginger…nice, natural breasts.
    Hope he’s reading this while I pleasure myself, imagining doing violent, unnatural acts to his sibling.

    • spider rico douche
      March 9, 2017 at 1:42 pm

      Unlike you greasy fuck I’m sure she bathes. Maybe that’s what turns you on. You’re used to your sister’s stink. You can never tell if it’s her ass, pits or snatch. You just know it turns you on. That’s what momma used to smell like when she held you close when you were little. That and the smell of cheap booze and cigarettes. And her clients sweat.

      • Hammerhead Is A Cock Gobbler
        March 9, 2017 at 1:46 pm

        Hey hammerhead, eat a bag of dicks you flaming homo.

        • Oh Bob!
          March 9, 2017 at 1:54 pm

          Heeheeheee. Oh fuck you Bob! Just noticed it was you. Hide your championship trophy. Where’s turd? Burying a body at his gramma’s place?

        • Hammerhead
          March 9, 2017 at 1:55 pm

          Can’t. BobnMic ate all the dicks. I mean, literally, ate all of them. Fucking homo pig.

  • Mom's basement
    March 9, 2017 at 1:04 pm

    Were you able to find anything out about the sister?

  • ZephyrCat
    March 9, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    Maybe he’s like edward snowden, not wanting to have people take pictures because of privacy because he’s so important & dangerous. Or it could be he just knows he’s ugly and loathes his image because he’s so insecure. I’m opting for the latter. Anyway, the country is full of dingdongs who believe way too much in their self-importance and having to prove it. This is the same generation that grew up winning trophies for coming in last place. They were told how important they were so they believe it. Then they go about trying to “make a difference”. Just another sjw that needs to be taken down and humbled.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    my bashed in skull
    March 9, 2017 at 12:44 pm

    It’s libel not liable! Seriously he graduated college?

  • #FreeDeskGirl
    March 9, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    Just because Desk girl is a ginger it doesn’t mean she is soulless…

  • Juvenile
    March 9, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    He’s a poseur deadbeat, no doubt. Should spend his time looking up a reputable psychiatrist in his area. Start therapy immediately too.

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