Follow @TurtleboyNews on Twitter by clicking here.
Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here.
Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information.
If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:
Hey fam – if you’d like to support Turtleboy and what we do here, feel free to hit the donate button at the top. We basically have to run this site like a Bernie Sanders campaign now since we’ve been blacklisted by Google and Facebook, due to the fact that rabid SJWs keep reporting our posts. Getting blacklisted by Google is a death sentence for most websites, since it’s much harder to monetize. And we all know the damage Facebook has done. We’re never going to stop fighting for free speech, but in the meantime the best way for turtle riders to fight back is to donate to the cause. Without you people none of this is possible. We love you all.
We haven’t blogged about the Mike “The Northbridge Noodlepoon” Dutra all week, because quite frankly he’s desperate for attention and at this point we’re picking on a man who is clearly mentally unbalanced. But nevertheless, people message us about him constantly, and he’s a gigantic buttnut, so we couldn’t resist the urge. Plus, he is starting a cable access show that appears to be nothing more than his Facebook rantings in front of a camera. And this sneak preview is everything you dreamed it would be and more……
So many amazing quotes….
“Are you aware that it’s 2018. Are you aware that Meghan Markle is a princess and she’s just human, she’s everything?”
I had no idea it was 2018 until I watched that video. Say what you want about Dutrabag, but he ALWAYS knows what year it is. Always. And this is a man who knows who is an isn’t a princess. Sure, some of you may thik Meghan Markle is a non-human cyborg sent here to upset us. But in reality is both a human and “everything.” And now she’s a princess.
Think about that.
“Do you understand the challenges we face in town have so much to do with race and gender?”
Another great point. Northbridge is known for its diversity, and consequently, its racism. Luckily we have this perfectly SANE white guy with a long history of sexual harassment, lies, and getting the boot from the Marines, and he is here to teach you wypipo about your white privilege.
“You need to consider the following. What are you doing to make a difference? What are you talking about at the dinner table? Are you more worried about talking about the president or the past presidents than you are talking about how your child’s day was, or whether or not they ate lunch?”
Thank God he’s still pressing the lunch issue. The plague of cheese sandwiches seems like it will never end. And I for one totally forgot to ask my child if he ate food today. I never ask questions like that because it’s other people’s job to feed them, not mine. Luckily after viewing this video I asked Turtleboy Jr, “Son, did you eat today?” And he told, “No mother fucker, I’m starving and I’m calling DCF if you don’t get me a Big Mac.”
Dude isn’t just fixing Northbridge’s school lunch problem, he’s fixing pretty much everything….
“What I’d like to share with you is a simple proposition. Not one more vote, not one more bomb drops, not one more decision. Not until every child is fed, every woman is safe, everyone has a roof over their heads. And then we can start dropping bombs on each other.”
That seems both reasonable AND doable. I wish I thought of that. Instead of voting and making “decisions” we should make sure every single one of the 7 billion people on earth has a roof over their heads, and every woman is safe. Even in such feminist havens as Nigeria and Afghanistan. How long will that take? I dunno, if you put Dutrabag in charge and let him start a GoFundMe, I’d give him a week. Two weeks tops. Is there anything he can’t do? Actually there is….
“I’m 38 years old, and I firmly believe my son is going to get off this planet. I talk to him about this stuff all the time.”
Perfectly normal conversation to have with you son. I know Turtleboy Jr. and I frequently talk about him moving to another planet when he’s older. Hopefully it’s Mars though. No way I’m paying Spirit Air to take me to Uranus. Do they even fly out of Worcester?
Then there were his thoughts on social issues…..
“Are you more worried about shaming your son into traditional gender roles, or telling your daughter that she’s not good at math because she’s a girl.”
Shame on me. Turtle princess was doing her trigonemtry homework the other day and I asked her, “They let girls learn math now? But you have brain size of squirrel. Shouldn’t they be teaching you how to fold laundry?” She told me to check my white cishetero patriarchy and I had no idea what she meant by that. Now I do, thanks to Dutrabag. To make amends for this I’m signing Turtlboy Jr. up for princess camp right now. Meghan Markle isn’t the only American who can become a royal.
This was ironic….
“We need to stop giving deadbeat dad answers to our children. I have three children. TWO different baby mothers.”
Yea, no more deadbeat Dads. This means a lot coming from a guy who doesn’t have custody of his children but takes pictures of them anyway and plasts them all over Facebook in order to fool people into believing he’s a good Dad.
I tell them that one of you is the mansion, one of you is the yacht, and one of you is the trip around the world. That’s what it costs to raise a child in this modern time.”
Poor Dutrabag. If it wasn’t for his proclivity for raw dog he’d be sailing his yacht from the mansion in Florida to his bungalow in Singapore.
And finally, this was shocking news….
“You’re gonna die some day.”
What?? Thank God for cable access TV. I was under the impression that I was immortal. Luckily the Northbridge Noodlepoon was able to provide me with this hot knowledge. Now I can prepare for my impending death.
The most remarkable part about this isn’t that this guy is on TV, because anyone can get on cable access TV. It’s remarkable that he owns a business, and his business partner/girlfriend Caitlin Gannon is allowing this to continue. Check out her Zillow. She actually sells homes and shit. I’m sure the fact that her business partner is out there representing the brand like this is GREAT for business moving forward. These are definitely the type of well balanced individuals I’d want helping me through such an important financial decision.