Dutrabag Has His Own Cable Access TV Show And It’s Everything You Dreamed It Would Be And More

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We haven’t blogged about the Mike “The Northbridge Noodlepoon” Dutra all week, because quite frankly he’s desperate for attention and at this point we’re picking on a man who is clearly mentally unbalanced. But nevertheless, people message us about him constantly, and he’s a gigantic buttnut, so we couldn’t resist the urge. Plus, he is starting a cable access show that appears to be nothing more than his Facebook rantings in front of a camera. And this sneak preview is everything you dreamed it would be and more……

So many amazing quotes….

“Are you aware that it’s 2018. Are you aware that Meghan Markle is a princess and she’s just human, she’s everything?”

I had no idea it was 2018 until I watched that video. Say what you want about Dutrabag, but he ALWAYS knows what year it is. Always. And this is a man who knows who is an isn’t a princess. Sure, some of you may thik Meghan Markle is a non-human cyborg sent here to upset us. But in reality is both a human and “everything.” And now she’s a princess.

Think about that.

“Do you understand the challenges we face in town have so much to do with race and gender?”

Another great point. Northbridge is known for its diversity, and consequently, its racism. Luckily we have this perfectly SANE white guy with a long history of sexual harassment, lies, and getting the boot from the Marines, and he is here to teach you wypipo about your white privilege.

“You need to consider the following. What are you doing to make a difference? What are you talking about at the dinner table? Are you more worried about talking about the president or the past presidents than you are talking about how your child’s day was, or whether or not they ate lunch?”

Thank God he’s still pressing the lunch issue. The plague of cheese sandwiches seems like it will never end. And I for one totally forgot to ask my child if he ate food today. I never ask questions like that because it’s other people’s job to feed them, not mine. Luckily after viewing this video I asked Turtleboy Jr, “Son, did you eat today?” And he told, “No mother fucker, I’m starving and I’m calling DCF if you don’t get me a Big Mac.”

Dude isn’t just fixing Northbridge’s school lunch problem, he’s fixing pretty much everything….

“What I’d like to share with you is a simple proposition. Not one more vote, not one more bomb drops, not one more decision. Not until every child is fed, every woman is safe, everyone has a roof over their heads. And then we can start dropping bombs on each other.”

That seems both reasonable AND doable. I wish I thought of that. Instead of voting and making “decisions” we should make sure every single one of the 7 billion people on earth has a roof over their heads, and every woman is safe. Even in such feminist havens as Nigeria and Afghanistan. How long will that take? I dunno, if you put Dutrabag in charge and let him start a GoFundMe, I’d give him a week. Two weeks tops. Is there anything he can’t do? Actually there is….

“I’m 38 years old, and I firmly believe my son is going to get off this planet. I talk to him about this stuff all the time.”

Perfectly normal conversation to have with you son. I know Turtleboy Jr. and I frequently talk about him moving to another planet when he’s older. Hopefully it’s Mars though. No way I’m paying Spirit Air to take me to Uranus. Do they even fly out of Worcester?

Then there were his thoughts on social issues…..

“Are you more worried about shaming your son into traditional gender roles, or telling your daughter that she’s not good at math because she’s a girl.”

Shame on me. Turtle princess was doing her trigonemtry homework the other day and I asked her, “They let girls learn math now? But you have brain size of squirrel. Shouldn’t they be teaching you how to fold laundry?” She told me to check my white cishetero patriarchy and I had no idea what she meant by that. Now I do, thanks to Dutrabag. To make amends for this I’m signing Turtlboy Jr. up for princess camp right now. Meghan Markle isn’t the only American who can become a royal.

This was ironic….

“We need to stop giving deadbeat dad answers to our children. I have three children. TWO different baby mothers.”

Yea, no more deadbeat Dads. This means a lot coming from a guy who doesn’t have custody of his children but takes pictures of them anyway and plasts them all over Facebook in order to fool people into believing he’s a good Dad.

I tell them that one of you is the mansion, one of you is the yacht, and one of you is the trip around the world. That’s what it costs to raise a child in this modern time.”

Poor Dutrabag. If it wasn’t for his proclivity for raw dog he’d be sailing his yacht from the mansion in Florida to his bungalow in Singapore.

And finally, this was shocking news….

“You’re gonna die some day.”

What?? Thank God for cable access TV. I was under the impression that I was immortal. Luckily the Northbridge Noodlepoon was able to provide me with this hot knowledge. Now I can prepare for my impending death.

The most remarkable part about this isn’t that this guy is on TV, because anyone can get on cable access TV. It’s remarkable that he owns a business, and his business partner/girlfriend Caitlin Gannon is allowing this to continue. Check out her Zillow. She actually sells homes and shit. I’m sure the fact that her business partner is out there representing the brand like this is GREAT for business moving forward. These are definitely the type of well balanced individuals I’d want helping me through such an important financial decision.

20 Comment(s)
  • LookingForLove
    May 26, 2018 at 8:48 am

    Caitlin can’t be Dutrabag’s girlfriend if she just married “Chris, the love of her life?” — Or is he? Oh boy Chris… Keep an eye on these two.

  • Dick N. Vulva's neighbor
    May 26, 2018 at 12:40 am

    This dude clearly doesn’t have both his oars paddling in the water at the same time. I wouldn’t let him sell my used underwear, never mind something like a piece of real estate.

  • Jack
    May 25, 2018 at 11:41 pm

    I kinda like the guy …and I’m a guy. Can someone intoduce us for maybe a coffee date to talk?

  • it wears it's collar
    May 25, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    send him to the new house of many cuts as a submissive slave gimp he’ll never be seen again.

    • da da da dapper
      May 25, 2018 at 6:22 pm

      “house of many CUMS ” dam you autocorrect

  • Captain Obvious
    May 25, 2018 at 2:39 pm

    He’s the poster child for liberalism. A mentally unstable person who thinks he has the world figured out so he likes to lecture other people about they should live their lives.

  • deflateddoritodinks
    May 25, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    So now we know why he can’t afford kids or a yacht or anything. Northbridge: Not to be confused with Northboro.

  • Darkzilla21
    May 25, 2018 at 1:22 pm

    liberish ..talking liberish……..and he dreams of the pink hat unicorn people of northbridge-istan…..

  • Frank Rizzo
    May 25, 2018 at 1:21 pm

    This guy’s an unintentional comedic genius!

  • El Jefe
    May 25, 2018 at 1:14 pm

    “Back woods town in Alabama” he says. Personally, some of the nicest and most polite people I’ve met were in a small town in Alabama.
    This guy is a fucking nut. “I want to speak to you privately.” Yea, bc when you’re on acres tv, it’s private.

    • Darkzilla21
      May 25, 2018 at 2:52 pm

      Check It Out! with Dr. Mike “The Northbridge Noodlepoon” Dutra (TV Series)

  • What a Moron
    May 25, 2018 at 1:01 pm

    Wow…..the future Bill O’reilly if I had to guess?

    So informational….so inspirational….so enlightening…..

    Man if listening to that doesn’t give me something to think about…..

    alright back to Pornhub

  • Burlando Castile
    May 25, 2018 at 12:53 pm

    Speaking of Cable Access, I was just watching “Outnumbered” on Fox News and at around 12:49-12:50PM on 5/25/2018 it sounded like someone says “Ride the Turtle” after they make fun of Hillary Clinton for saying “I’m not running!”

    TB, I don’t know if this is on YouTube yet, but it sure sounds like someone snuck in the slogan. I’m guessing it was Kennedy. Maybe she’s a Turtle Rider??

  • Y
    May 25, 2018 at 12:06 pm

    Backwards Alabama Lives Matter

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    May 25, 2018 at 11:39 am

    Guy is as crazy as a shit house rat.

    • Y
      May 25, 2018 at 12:07 pm

      Dutra is a FLAMING homosexual.
      Sweet TV show, Dutra.
      Sweet stories; tell them again, Fuck Face!

    • Y
      May 25, 2018 at 12:08 pm

      Dutra should have been aborted; the better 1/2 of him dripped down the crack of his mother’s ass.

      • Spunky
        May 25, 2018 at 1:07 pm

        He’s a Flaming something, Alright!!

  • Fred Knessl
    May 25, 2018 at 11:08 am

    Let’s see… a quick search says that Ms. Caitlin’s last sale was 18 months ago, and she recently married the love of her life. I hope business picks up soon…

  • Nuke worcester
    May 25, 2018 at 10:53 am

    Speaking of Northbridge, what’s up with the house with the “they drew first blood!” sign near wal mart?

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