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Was reading Dianne Williamson’s column in the Telegram and Gazette yesterday, and apparently she’s just run out of things to talk about. So she found some guy from Framingham who had a bad experience at Five Guys. Here’s the article:

Worcester Telegram and Gazette: John Brown III didn’t exactly receive a valentine from Five Guys when he complained to the popular burger chain Feb. 14 about a missing order of fries. 

Instead, the Worcester man was shocked when he was mistakenly copied on an internal company email that referred to him as a “douche” and several other bad words. 

It all started on the aforementioned holiday. Brown, 45, works at Meditech in Framingham, and most Fridays he and his co-workers share a hankering for burgers and fries. They even have a name for themselves — FGOF, or Five Guys on Fridays. The group typically places and pays for its order online, and someone goes and collects the food. On this day, however, Brown’s order of regular fries was missing from the bag, which contained only his colleague’s order of Cajun fries. 

“I like Cajun fries, but I didn’t want them on that particular day,” Brown explained, adding, “But this is not about an order of fries.” 

So Brown wrote what he considered a polite letter of complaint to the Framingham store, suggesting that orders be placed in separate bags to avoid confusion. In response, he received an emailed apology and a notice that he’d be receiving a gift card from the store. 

But Brown didn’t want the gift card, because it can’t be used online. So he basically said thanks but no thanks, and indicated that other mistakes had been made in the past and the FGOF may look elsewhere for their Friday afternoon repast. 

At this point, apparently, Five Guys had had its fill of Brown. In an internal email, a manager blasted the customer with a word that begins with F, and let’s note that it doesn’t stand for Five Guys. 

“This is from the guy about the online order screw-up. This guy is a perfect example of why this world is (bad word). What a complete (bad word). I’m speechless over this douche. All of this over missing fries. (Bad word) him and his tool office mates.” 

The email was mistakenly forwarded to Brown, who was stunned. 

“I was like, ‘Wow,’ ” he recalled. “Someone made a big mistake here.” 

I have never met John Brown III, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume he’s a fat bastard. Anything less would blow my mind on this one. Five Guys is easily the best chain restaurant in America. It’s sweet, greasy, deliciousness in a paper bag. You can only do it once in a while though, or else you’re just destined to be a fat bastard. This guy is apparently going once a week, and even formed a club with an official name and everything. There’s just no way these guys aren’t going back to the office and taking monstrous dumps.

His first mistake was ordering online. I will never, ever order food online. Don’t trust it. Wanna talk to a human being and repeat myself several times. Secondly, you don’t send an errand boy to pick up your food. Forty percent of the time any restaurant will screw up your order. It’s a scientific fact. You go there, immediately look in the bag, open up your burger to make sure they didn’t put onions on it, and you go on your merry way. If you don’t go there because you’re a lazy fat bastard, then you are assuming the risk that the order will get screwed up.

Next thing, who has the time to email Five Guys because they got cajun friers instead of regular fries? Whoever was on the receiving end of that email probably said to themselves, “Alright Stan, here’s your stupid voucher. Now shut the f*** up.” Instead of just accepting the free food they were offering him though, )without asking for any proof that they screwed up the order) this jagoff decides he’s taking a moral stand and tells them he’s going to take his business elsewhere.

At that point the company was well within their rights to tell him to go f*** himself. So like, why are you wasting these people’s time dude? If you don’t wanna go to Five Guys, then don’t go. You think that by emailing them and telling them that your Babysitter’s Club group of fat bastards won’t be coming in there once a week anymore, that they’d suddenly beg you for mercy? LOL.

What exactly did Five Guys have to lose here? They already lost his business (according to him). They’ve wasted their time trying to kiss his ass and offering him free food. And none of if was good enough for this stooge. Might as well burn the bridge on the way out.

For the record, everything in the email that was somehow accidentally forwarded to him was 100% true, and probably wasn’t an accident. If you’re doing customer service emails for Five Guys, you’re probably not planning on staying there too long. This guy is indeed the reason the “world is f***ed.” He’s too lazy to go pick up his own food. He complains that he has to eat cajun fries instead of regular fries while millions of people worldwide go to bed hungry every night. He’s trying to rub it in their face that they won’t be getting his invaluable business once a week. He represents everything that is wrong with America.

The last thing this world needs is more fat bastards and rabble rousers. So go enjoy your microwaved double cheeseburger from Burger King. I’ll be at Five Guys eating whatever delicious food end up in my greasy paper bag, because this blog has made me hungrier than any I have ever written.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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