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Albert Haynesworth is perhaps the biggest asshole to ever play in the NFL, and that’s not easy feat. He’s also one of the most talented defensive linemen to ever play the game, and the one of the highest paid as well. So what do you do when you’re a washed up journeyman who has burned every bridge possible and blown all your money on bad investments, court costs, and civil litigations? You team up with Worcester’s most notorious crooked company – Pat’s Towing – and you start shaking down Worcester politicians to get hefty towing contracts back.
In 2002 Fat Albert was drafted by the Tennessee Titans. He quickly turned into a star with a penchant for dooshnozzelry on the field. In 2006 he was ejected from a game against the Cowboys for stomping on Andre Gurode’s face:
But he was really good at football. In the 2009 offseason he wanted to get paid, so he signed one of the most lucrative contracts in NFL history – a 7 year, $100 million deal with the Washington Redskins. Most NFL writers agree that this has gone down as the worst deal in NFL history.
When Fat Albert arrived at camp he was fat and out of shape. He argued with the coaches all season and was a genuine pain in the ass. According to teammate Chris Cooley, it was all about the Benjamins:
“His goal from the get-go was to take that money. He also indicated to many players on the team that his new goal was to get released as soon as possible, sign another maybe $10, 12 million contract — that’s verbatim — go somewhere, play for a year and probably get released, and keep that money, too. … This was open (knowledge) among many players in this locker room: that his goal was basically to take money.”
Fat Albert’s response was the most Fat Albert thing ever.
“He sounds as stupid as he looks.”
No play better epitomized what a gigantic waste of space and money this lardo was, and exactly how many fucks he did not give, than this play against the Eagles:
$100 million. Zero fucks given.
While playing for the Redskins he was involved in a car accident on the interstate, in which he was driving 100 mph and crashed his car into another car. The man in the other car is partially paralyzed and sued him for $7.5 million. Shortly afterwards he was charged with sexual assault.
In 2011 the Redskins cut ties with him and a young man named Bill Belichick decided to give him a second chance. It didn’t go very well. He hardly ever practiced and in the only game he got in he was manhandled and ended up mouthing off to assistant coach Pepper Johnson. Belichick cut his fat ass the next day. It was basically the end of his career.
But in this ESPN article something interesting appeared:
Whether he was gushing about his longtime admiration for the Patriots organization or talking about his best friend’s towing company in Worcester, you couldn’t help but walk away from a Haynesworth interview without thinking about how engaging he was.
His best friend? Oh yea, that was Patsy Santa Maria. His new BFFL. Because dooshnozzles seem to be drawn to each other. Let’s talk about Pat’s Towing.
The company is owned by Patsy Santa Maria Sr. and has run the tow racket in Worcester since 1965. They had the contract with the Worcester Police, Mass State Police, and Triple A. Life was good and the money flowed in. Cash only though. Because for some reason Pat’s didn’t take card in the 21st century. Because lots of companies that are not shady are cash only.
Santa Maria’s four kids worked there with him, and they would ultimately be his downfall.
Anyone who has ever had their car towed by Pat’s knows that they are the antichrist. It’s shitty enough when your car gets towed, but when you go to pick it up at Pat’s you feel like you’re getting violated twice. They’re notoriously rude but they’re more famous for the other stuff they do.
In 2009 and again in 2011 Pat’s Towing employees were charged with a variety of offenses including assault, kidnapping and civil rights violations. His kid Patsy Santa Maria Jr. faced the most serious charges in early 2012. As a result Triple A and the State Police both ended their business relationship with Pat’s. Keep in mind, this is right around the town Fat Albert was being a waste of space in Foxboro.
A compilation of police calls to Pat’s Towing over a five-year period, from Aug. 22, 2008 through Aug. 22, 2013, revealed 261 emergency calls for police to respond to the company. The calls included two kidnapping incidents, two “vicious assault and batteries,” 12 larcenies from motor vehicles, 27 disorderly person calls and 15 calls for incidents involving malicious mischief, fights, disturbances, harassments, threats and to keep the peace. The remaining 203 calls, according to Gemme, involved “more routine incidents such as ‘citizen assistance’ and similar items.”
It get’s better:
On May 1, 2009, Worcester Police were called to Pat’s Towing to respond to an assault and battery where Pat’s Towing employees inflicted a beating on two customers attempting to reclaim their towed vehicle. Five Pat’s Towing employees, including Patsy Santa Maria, Jr., and David Santa Maria, both sons of the owner of Pat’s Towing, were charged with assault and battery to intimidate with bodily injury, assault and battery with serious bodily injury, kidnapping, and civil rights violation with serious injury. The victims were subjected to racial slurs as they were beaten by Pat’s Towing employees on the premises of Pat’s Towing. Subsequently, one of the defendants, said by the District Attorneys’ office not to be the instigator, pled guilty to two countseach of kidnapping, assault and battery to intimidate, assault and battery and a civil rights violation.
On Dec. 13, 2011, Worcester Police were called to Pat’s Towing to respond to an assault and battery which lead to the arrest of Patsy Santa Maria, Jr., and David Santa Maria, both employees of Pat’s Towing and sons of the owner of Pat’s Towing, on charges of assault and battery with serious bodily injury, aggravated assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, assault and battery with serious bodily injury, assault and battery to intimidate with serious injury, kidnapping, and a civil rights violation with serious bodily injury. The victim suffered a concussion, cracked ribs, a collapsed lung, a cracked vertebra and cuts and bruises. At one point while being attended to by emergency personnel, the victim’s heart stopped and he needed to be resuscitated. This beating also occurred on the premises of Pat’s Towing. The victim was sent to Pat’s Towing by his employer, Curtis Plow of Millbury Street, Worcester, to pick up a check from Pat’s Towing to pay for work done on a tractor owned by the owner of Pat’s Towing. On the fourth day of trial on these charges, Patsy Santa Maria, Jr., pleaded guilty to charges stemming from this incident and was sentenced to 18 months in the House of Correction, with the sentence suspended.
With his son facing jail time Patsy Santa Maria Sr. was arrested for trying to bribe a witness with $25,000 to lie about the reason the man was beat up in the 2011 incident. After word got out about what asshat’s these dingleberries are, another victim came forward:
A witness came forward to report that on Nov. 9, 2011, when she reported to Pat’s Towing to retrieve her towed car, Pat’s employees would not let her have access to her car until she paid $125, even after she told Pat’s employees that her wallet was in the car. She saw her car was just inside the fence and went to it to retrieve her wallet. The Pat’s employee closed the gate behind her and would not let her out. The Pat’s employee was joined by another man, apparently an employee of Pat’s Towing, both of whom laughed at her and ridiculed and insulted her. She eventually climbed the fence, a fence topped with barbed wire, to gain her freedom. This witness had recently suffered a stroke which manifested itself in her right side drooping, a condition that should have been obvious to Pat’s employees.
As a result the Worcester Police cancelled their contract with Pat’s in 2013 and that was supposed to be the last we ever heard of them.
But then again, this is Pat’s Towing. Owned by a guy who tried to stuff $25K in someone’s back pocket to get them to commit perjury. This is some mafiaso shit we’re talking about. You just knew they couldn’t stay clean for long. After all, they just lost almost all of their business, and the Santa Maria’s gotta eat too.
So how have they stayed in business? Well Pat’s has a lot of business practices that most people in the industry consider unethical. They do “tresspass tows” on Water Street a lot. A trespass tow is when you circle a lot that no one is using and people might think they can park in when they go out to eat in a place like the Canal District. Then you tow their car. It’s like a cop sitting outside the Blarney Stone and nabbing people on DUI’s. It’s unsportsmanlike.
Because there’s a big difference between parking in someone’s designated spot at an apartment complex and parking in an abandoned lot that no one is using. In one case you’re taking a spot away from someone, and in the other instance you’re not hurting anyone. Recently a corrections officer from Rhode Island had his car “trespass towed” while getting food on Water Street. He caught them in the act and asked them to put his car down. According to a witness we spoke with the driver for Pat’s Towing hit him with their truck.
They also add a shitload of charges like “gate fees” of $45. For opening the Goddamn gate to bring your towed car in. As a result they charge up to $200 while most places like Early’s only charge between $50-$65 for a tow.
In 2011 the Boston Herald did an expose on the relationship between Patsy Jr. and Fat Albert. Turns out they became BFFL’s because they both like to sit their fat asses down on boats all day. They met in Newport and went on a few dates. They obviously had a lot in common. Both beat the shit out of innocent people while on the job because it was easier than controlling their temper. Both made their money by ripping people off and doing no work. Both had firmly established themselves as the most dislikable villains to ever participate in their craft.
The next thing you know you were in the middle of a Worcester bromance.
While Patsy Jr. was in the slammer him and Fat Albert were apparently scheming to take back control of the towing racket in Worcester. The reason that Pat’s kept getting the city contracts is because it went out to the highest bidder. Therefore whichever company had the most cash on hand would get the bid and maintain their virtual monopoly. Thus companies like Early’s, Direnzo’s, and Boulevard were kept out, because the Santa Maria’s can afford to drop $25,000 to keep a witness quiet. And when you’re collecting cash only, it’s pretty easy to hide money and not pay taxes on it. Just sayin.
After Pat’s lost the city’s contract their zones were equally divided up between Direnzo’s, Early’s, and Boulevard. The contracts were set to run through December of 2015, but since the contracts are supposed to be five year contracts, and they had just gotten Pat’s former zones in 2013, they were told by the city that they would hold onto them until 2018.
Things have gone smoothly until November 12, 2015, when all of a sudden this happened on the city’s website:
The Worcester Police’s towing contract went out to bid again. Nobody at Early’s, Direnzo’s, or Boulevard was told this would happen. The city tried sneaking it in there, hoping no one would notice. The only company that was aware of it was the newly formed “Patriot Towing.” Let’s talk about them.
Pat’s towing trucks started getting the Patriots logo on them once Fat Albert and Patsy Jr. started clubbing it up together:
The problem is that Pat’s Towing can never, ever get a contract with the city or anyone legitimate ever again. But since the trucks all have Patriots logos on them, why not just get a front man to start a new towing company called “Patriot Towing,” get the contracts back, and then sell the company to the Santa Maria’s? Guess whose fat ass incorporate Patriots Towing last month?
Yup. Fat Albert. Located in the exact same sport Pat’s was located, and using the exact same trucks. Guess who is the only company that knew about the bid was? You guessed it – Patriot Towing!!! What better name for a company owned by a guy who was too fat and lazy to make the 53 man Patriots roster?
Normally a bid is put out for 60 days. This one was only set to be out for three weeks.
Let me make it clear what happened here in case you can’t see it – someone in City Hall was trying to throw Fat Albert and the Santa Maria’s a bone in the form of the towing contracts. That’s why they didn’t tell any of the other companies, and the only one who knew was Fat Albert. Because the Santa Maria’s obviously control important people at City Hall, which explains why they were in business for so long, despite being notoriously awful human beings.
Well right when Masslive called up City Manager Ed Augustus to ask about the open bid, it magically disappeared from the city’s website. Do you see what happened here? Fast Eddy got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and when the press looked into it he covered it up. He claims he didn’t know how the bid went out like that, and if you believe that then you’re gonna love Turtleboy’s world famous Nantucket Horse Ranch. Buy, buy, buy!!!!!!
You’d have to be stupid to believe Fast Eddy on this one. This is a guy who just six months ago secretly conspired to sell the Chandler Magnet Ballfields to Worcester State so they could turn it into a parking lot. Once the media exposed this he abruptly cancelled the plan. Because at the end of the day everyone knows that Ed Augustus is a corrupt politician who knows how to get rid of a body if he needs to.
Meanwhile Fat Albert has been putting in work. We have spoken with numerous witnesses who can confirm that he recently went to a State Police meeting to try to get the Pat’s Towing contract back. Because it’s “Patriot Towing” now, so no one will be the wiser. Right? LOL. But in case you can’t see what’s happening here, the plan is obviously for Fat Albert to make Pat’s a legit business, get Pat’s old contracts back, and then sell the company back to his buddies so they can continue their reign of terror.
Fat Albert has been asked by city and state officials about his relationship with the Santa Maria’s. He claims they don’t know each other. I’m just gonna leave this one here:
Oh yea, and did I mention Fat Albert’s been tossing out the race card? See Pat’s Towing never had that advantage. “You’re not giving me the contract because I’m Italian” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “It’s because I’m black isn’t it?”
The bottom line is that there is no better match made in heaven than Fat Albert and the Santa Maria Clan. It’s almost too funny that they happened to have the misfortune of meeting each other. Because once those two brilliant minds got together only bad things could come out of it. The city of Worcester needs to be on guard against these sort of shenanigans 24/7. It’s clear that the City Manager is in on this. He’s protected by Joe Petty who is in turn protected by Jim McGovern and The Machine. Thank God we’ve got people like Mike Gaffney, Gary Rosen, Konnie Lukes, and hopefully Khrystian King to look out for the people and protect us from Fat Albert’s reign of terror.
We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.
Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.