Has Anyone Ever Been More Emasculated Than Shawn, The Winner Of The Bachelorette?

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Mrs. Turtleboy likes the worst shows in the world. Dance Moms, Catfish, Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting. They’re all terrible. But by far the worst show ever created is The Bachelor and/or The Bachelorette, the latter of which concluded tonight.

Normally I can sit in the same room with her while one of her crappy shows is on, because I have the Internet, which is a world of it’s own. But I cannot be in the same room with her while that show is on because listening to it makes me wanna drink bleach. I will literally ruin the show for her 10 times out of 10 by pointing all of the ways it is the worst show ever created.

Where do I start?

Lets start with the entire premise of the show – 20 dudes are competing for 1 chick. First of all, what makes her so special? She’s a single chick in her early 30’s who for some reason hasn’t been able to lock up a man yet. She came on the show because she can’t find a man to fall in love with her in real life and her internal ovary clock gave her the five year warning signal. So if she’s washed up used goods, what gives her the right to be able to pick from 20 dudes?

Secondly, the “dates” they go on, don’t happen in real life. Because in real life, shit like this NEVER happens:

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No one has picnics in abandoned, post-atomic corn fields. And real men don’t wear long sleeve shirts and blankes on top of mountains while they sip wine from a gift basket either.   But women watch this stuff and then they get all juiced up, which comes back to bit you in the ass when you take them to Peppercorn’s and their whole fantasy world comes crashing down.

Thirdly, the show is a competition. By definition, the goal is to win. Anyone who thinks that any of these people are really in love is a moron. On the Bachelorette the woman is on cloud nine because she finally has the only thing that she’s craved her entire life – attention.  The men are just trying to win. Not because they’re in love with her, but because they want to beat the other dudes and establish their machismo.

Fourthly, how does this show get a free pass from the NAACP? They always have the one token black bachelor or bachelorette, and they always get left without a rose after week two or three. They can’t ditch them after week one though, because that just wouldn’t look right. So they keep them around for a couple dates before getting rid of them.

Why aren’t the hippies boycotting this show? Why can’t we have a black bachelor or bachelorette? Why do I have to watch all these honkies talk about the same cliche shit over and over again? At least Turtleboy Sports has J-Dubz. Where’s the diversity on this show?


Most importantly though, any male contestant on the Bachelorette who takes it seriously should have their man card permanently revoked. And that’s pretty much every dude who has ever been on the show. They all go on private dates with her and have these heart to heart conversations that you would have with a girl who you are getting serious with. We’ve all been there before, you have to do it.

But what self respecting man can tell a woman that he loves her and that he has feelings for her, knowing damn well that in an hour, another dude is gonna be telling her the same exact thing? The only way to possibly be a contestant on this show and still maintain your manhood, is by sabotaging it. If you win, immediately dump her and start selling t-shirts. Because it’s not real love anyway, so you might as well profit off of it.

Now I was always under the impression that you weren’t supposed to go all the way on these shows. Kind of a bad look. Sure you can make out till the cows come home, and maybe round second base if the cameras aren’t rolling. But the Bachelorette this year was giving it up like it was cheap wine. She apparently banged one of the final two contestants named Nick a couple weeks back and told the rest of the contestants.

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At that point every real man would’ve got up and left the show. I mean, what are you competing for at that point? Here you are having these one on one dates with this girl and she’s telling you how nice she thinks you are and blah, blah, blah. And the second it’s over – BOOM – stuffed crust city.

But since there’s nothing realistic about this show, they all stuck around. Finally it came down to two dudes. Nick and Shawn – the dude she hadn’t sampled yet. I told Mrs. Turtleboy going into it, she has no choice but to pick Nick. After all, you can’t bone one dude and then marry the other one (they always get married afterwards because they have to sell the whole “we’re in love” lie).

I mean, how can you possibly make this woman your wife if you’re Sean? You’ve been having these deep, soulful conversations with this woman and talking about a future together and meeting her parents, and blah, blah, blah. And while she’s doing that, she’s going off and getting drilled by Nick. You can’t make that person your wife. Obviously. How do you explain that your kids? “Mommy and I met and fell in love, but during that time she was actively getting drilled by some other guy and came to the conclusion that he was nothing special in bed, so she settled for me.”

So like I said, it had to be Nick. But since there is nothing real about this show, she picked Shawn. This is the face you make when she picked you to spend the rest of her life with, but only after sampling the other guy first:


There he is ladies and gentlemen. The most emasculated man who has ever walked the face of the earth.

She actually said that it was the most “excruciating” decision of her life. Ummmm, how can you marry a woman who admits that it basically could have gone either way? It was an excruciating decision so she basically flipped a coin and went with you. And you accepted this.

This vine basically sums up everything that is wrong with this show.

“When we were intimate, everything was real to me in those moments.” See, this is what I can’t stand. You had a one night stand with this guy. Nothing was “real” except for the friction. There was no connection, it was just lust. Happens to the best of us. Now what he should’ve said was, “Oh it’s cool, I was just trying to win a competition and get laid at the same time.” He’s the only contestant that can leave this show with his head held high. But instead he gave her exactly what she wanted by saying, “What I felt for you was greater than a moment.” 

Shut up.

The bottom line is, Shawn should get one free hall pass. It’s the only way to make this right. Because it’s not like he had any other options this entire time. He couldn’t just leave the show and find some Clark babe with low self esteem and loose morals at the Blarney Stone. If he doesn’t, then I hope everyone laughs at him for the rest of his life. Because he is the biggest chump on planet earth.

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4 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    July 30, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    No, the real most emasculated guy in history is the guy who didn’t get picked from the final two last season, and went on the after show and bawled like a newborn. That was just fucking pathetic.

  • Adam
    July 28, 2015 at 8:43 am

    Chicks love this show, because as TB pointed out, it means they can ride the cock carousel from their late teens through their 30s, getting more tired and warn out looking, while their looks fade, and still have 20 studs compete for her attention. It’s fairy tale for them. In the real world, the last thing any guy wants is some career obsessed broad that’s been pounded out for 15 years and suddenly decides she deserves a real man to give her children. In the real world, its straight to cat hotel city.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    July 28, 2015 at 8:22 am

    Just the commercials for this show make my balls ache… I can’t believe people actually watch this. Maybe the hippies are huge fans since they already live in a fantasy world.

  • Your probably an idiot
    July 28, 2015 at 12:04 am

    This show is like every Leitrims romance ever!

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