Here Is The Blueprint For Tanking Your Child Custody Case In Six Months Or Less, Courtesy of Professional Narcissistic DoucheWhistle Mike Cadena

Here Is The Blueprint For Tanking Your Child Custody Case In Six Months Or Less, Courtesy of Professional Narcissistic DoucheWhistle Mike Cadena

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It’s been a busy couple months for Mike Cadena since we last checked in with him. To the shock and surprise of no one except for the weird, borderline mentally retarded pussy patrol cult Mike regularly panders to for sympathy, unmerited validation and donation money to support himself because he is an unemployed crybaby, his kid has not died or been sold in to sex slavery for drugs to date. Mike is regularly pretty bummed about that, though, because he just keeps expressing his desire for something, anything, to happen to justify what a gigantic steaming bag of shit he is.


Up until recently, Mike spent a lot of time crying about not being able to have phone calls with his kid, as if being a manipulative narcissist hell bent on using social media to vindictively get back at his ex with no regard for the effects it will someday have on his kid is somehow the marker of a good parent. It’s not.  Now he’s not doing a lot of crying in full public view at all, because it looks like his page has been taken down.

But don’t worry guys, he didn’t have a stroke of conscience or suddenly develop actual care and concern for his child, or anything. It was taken down by Facebook, and goddamnit, he’s hell bent on getting it back up.

Every second that Mike Cadena isn’t lying to strangers on the internet for cash and sympathy, that kid is unsafe. This is really serious you guys. But thanks to his staunch insistence upon tearing apart anyone who dares question his bullshit story instead of just shutting the fuck up already and showing up to court, Mike has been losing followers anyway, who always eventually find their way over to us with plenty of screenshots of Mike’s total batshit fuckery. Enough so, that he has essentially penned the guide to fucking up your custody case using nothing but social media and the depths of your own self obsession and insanity. As a favor to my good friend Mikey Mike AND his remaining nutty bunch, I’ve compiled it and lent my own unique prose, since they keep blaming Turtleboy for everything anyway. Newsflash pyscho, I don’t “work” for your ex – we’ve never even spoken. I just really fucking hate you. You earned that all on your own. So, you’re welcome, guys, but the credit really all goes to you. Without further ado:


Mike Cadena’s Blueprint For Royally Fucking Up Your Child Custody Case 


First, set up the shittiest foundation possible by losing your kid a couple times to the state. Make sure when you get the kid back you immediately commit parental kidnapping by moving 1,000 miles or more away in the middle of your case. This will quickly establish you as an unstable hypocrite who has no regard for the law, and will help debunk any future bullshit claims of abuse you concoct.

Then you gotta start making up some abuse. Make sure to take your completely uninjured child to a needless intrusive physical exam, and make sure you’ve taken a billion pictures of every single bump and bruise possible. Double points if you can find a therapist willingly to bang you and lie for you. That way she can contradict herself and become yet another witness not credible enough to testify on your behalf.

By now you’re really losing your footing, so it’s time to start exploiting your kid as much as possible. Start picketing, and throw that face up everywhere, so the bullshit stigmatizing story you’ve been perpetuating can follow him around for the rest of his life, and you can recruit as many gullible crazies as possible to help in ruining your chances of ever having meaningful contact again. Not that it will matter to you – a cult of vaginas and cash money is much more valuable to you, because you’re a sociopath anyway. At this point you should just start flat out refusing to go to court for your child, to clearly demonstrate that you don’t give one flying fuck, and court orders only apply to you if you find them agreeable. This isn’t about your child, after all, it’s about you.


And make sure you’re always, always, begging for cash.


Spread libel and talk trash about your ex as loudly and publicly as possible. Keep inflating your claims until they are beyond the realm of anything a moderately intelligent sane individual would ever find even remotely believable. This not only will help you clearly show that you are a selfish, vindictive prick. As an added bonus, it will weed out everybody but the diehard nutjobs, who will be useful in committing borderline criminal acts on your behalf later on.



And since the courts the ones with the ultimate authority, make sure to shit talk them, too. Call those judges out by name.


That way your rabid pussy patrol can make death threats later on. Definitely helps you look vindictive, evil and good old fashioned unstable. Just start throwing up insane babble at weird hours of the day and night, too. That’ll help solidify your image as a raging self absorbed sociopath, and can bring in to question whether or not you’re using drugs, too.


Take some videos that look like you’re tweaking over the last crack rock, too. That’ll help heighten the speculation.

It’s particularly helpful to have a history of smoking crack, because then you can really shoot yourself in the foot with your shitty behavior.


When you’re clearly losing, go full fugitive, and hide the kid like Ann Frank from the Nazis. This will show that you’re untrustworthy and possible dangerous, and will royally fuck your kid up in the head.

But let’s be real, you were planning to coach a reaction to exploit later on, anyway.

It’s also important to send your child’s private, personal records and documents to everyone. Indiscriminately, because discretion is for good parents, and that’s not you.

And once you’re good and fucked, dig your heels in. Keep lying, because the truth is only going to work in your favor. Best not to risk showing any maturity, sanity or remorse. Those are all redeeming traits, but this isn’t the guide for this. This is Money Mike Cadena’s guide to tanking your custody case all on your own, and it takes a gigantic scumcunt like Mike to do that.

When you are given a tiny shred of contact with your child, immediately start self sabotaging it. Start by worrying out loud that the phone calls will go as poorly as the 150+ you broke wiretapping laws to record, but with your own batshit crazy twist.


And then tank things even further by, despite being told by the judge to cut the shit on social media,  just keeping up with the shit talking, and planning your next big attention and cash grab.


Finally, as your social media smear campaign falters and you just keep looking worse and worse, start planning your book deal.

The judge is gonna love it when he sees that.



21 Comment(s)
  • Local real local
    Local real local
    December 30, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    For the absolute last time: if the child resided in Massachusetts At the time of the custody arrangement/prior order and unless that order indicated one of the two areas of custody ( legal and physical) were both terminated against one of the parents, then the parent must seek permission from the court to move the child out of state. The Mass SJC made the rule much easier now and there is very little fight.

    Also, why can’t a parent with shared full custody or at the very least shared legal custody take their kid apple picking in the Fall or to a RI beach in the summer? If notice is given according to the separation agreement/prior order, why can’t the non custodial parent visit a neighboring state for the weekend?

    Second, we are paying for Cadena’s lawyer. He is getting a public attorney and shame on everyone involved for not getting to a mutually agreed solution. This bullshit is costing the taxpayers time and money. 7 judges in 4 years tells me: the judge, the parties, state child services, the doctors and their sex-love fruit are all douchebags. Who has that kind of time to fight a case like this? It’s obvious all these people have time on their hands. In the end, there is no real legal issue just two people who couldn’t agree about the time of day.

    Honestly, mike, amber and Mikey can do is a favor by driving to Gloucester and swimming out to sea.

    • December 31, 2018 at 11:20 am

      Well, there was no custody arrangement set, because as soon as Mike resolved the Juvenile court case, he skipped the state of Illinois in the middle of probate court proceedings. The non custodial parent at the time lived in Illinois while Mike hid out in Massachusetts, refusing to allow contact let alone let the mother know the actual location where he resided with the child. So it would’ve been pretty hard for her to visit. To my knowledge, Mike doesn’t have a court appointed attorney, as probate court doesn’t appoint attorneys. Blaming the mother for the 6+ court dates Mike refused to attend while hiding out 1,000 miles away seems pretty unfair.

  • Mike Senior’s Ballsack
    December 15, 2018 at 11:51 pm

    Keep ‘em coming TB! This guy is pure evil. And Mike, go fuck yourself.

  • ugh
    December 14, 2018 at 9:51 pm

    From the police report – they had been ‘intimate,’ but she didn’t know his last name.

    “Intimate” with some whose name you don’t know…
    Anybody remember the definition of ‘oxymoron’ from high school English class?

  • Jizz Cricket
    December 14, 2018 at 8:26 pm

    I just have to say that i get a hard on when reading bristol’s blogs. She writes with such voracity, viciousness and passion that i can only imagine she exhibits the same qualities in sucking cock and fucking. Hats (jimmy) off to you Bristol, well done as always.

  • Donna Doughnutter
    December 14, 2018 at 5:51 pm

    Until I lose like 100lbs. because I have a medical condition I can’t stand on the sidewalk with a sign.
    But once I get down to 278 lbs. I’m going to get a Save Mikey Tattoo on my ankle with his face in support.
    God Bless you all

  • Laura
    December 14, 2018 at 5:29 pm

    Omg my ex did this too ….. 

  • Mjay
    December 14, 2018 at 4:43 pm

    I love it when you do articles on him because I don’t have time to keep up with it. Please keep updating!

  • z
    December 14, 2018 at 2:57 pm

    I played the Mike and Mikey drinking game.
    A Mike is Yukon Jack.
    A Mikey is Jaegermeister

    I passed out from alcohol poisoning around about Dunkin Dounuts.

  • Mike Sr.
    December 14, 2018 at 2:43 pm

    Screew you TB my son is my world nd you are takeing my valuable time away from saving him. you are evil with no moral compass

    • December 14, 2018 at 2:46 pm

      Hey Mike, go suck a dick. You’re a fucking fraud, and I hate you like I hate cancer. You think I actually benefit from writing about you at this point? I don’t, people are sick of it. I eat the shit because you are human cancer. I do it so all your bullshit is wrapped in one neat little package for the courts to see. You want to “save” your kid? Get the fuck off social media, quit your lying bullshit AND SHOW UP TO COURT. Smooches, Bristol.

    • Mark Bell
      December 15, 2018 at 11:33 am

      Shut the fuck up, Mike. We all know you’re a pathological liar. Go get a job and stop making up lies about your kid. I wish I could kick you in the nuts until you go sterile, you shouldn’t be allowed near children.

  • Ungawah
    December 14, 2018 at 2:40 pm

    This guy is almost an expert at playing on people’s emotions. But if you read through the bullshit you can see this is nothing more than him wanting to hurt his ex. He doesn’t care one shit about the boy, he cares about winning. And he stoops to lows beyond the norm.. He’s an asshole in pecker’s clothing

  • DJ Bristol Fan
    December 14, 2018 at 2:21 pm

  • Dead Sea Scrolls
    December 14, 2018 at 2:18 pm

    Dammit! I’m sorry but I couldn’t read this mess. Nobody and I mean NOBODY can STRETCH a boring shitty article like you can Bristol.
    Do you do this because you like reading your own articles to somehow impress yourself?
    They just never FUCKING end and sometimes have no point at all..

    • Peanut Gallery
      December 14, 2018 at 2:21 pm

      I believe she just enjoys fucking with this guy to elicit a reaction. Bristol appears to enjoy total ruin tactics. I bet she’s a peach at home.

      • z
        December 14, 2018 at 4:45 pm

        She’s going Keyser Soze on him. Say what you want about Kevin Spacey, but that was one hell of a movie and part.

        He lets the last Hungarian go. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and then he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents’ friends. Then he burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. “Rat on your pop and Keyser Soze will get you.”

        • Blockbuster Video
          December 14, 2018 at 5:42 pm

          Thanks for ruining the whole plot of the movie there Roger Ebert.
          Maybe you should spend less time during the day on Netflix and spend more time looking for a job.

          • z
            December 14, 2018 at 6:34 pm

            Uh, the movie is from 1995.
            If you haven’t seen it by now, chances are you won’t.

            The job? Got that covered. I cross over into 6 figures each year and could probably do it into my 70s if I wanted to. All the company would like from me is to give them a high sign at least 6 months out if I plan on retiring. Just taking some comp time before the end of the year slick.

      • Miss Turtle Girl
        December 15, 2018 at 2:07 am

        You realize Mike by changing your address and name on the comment form by making it look you have more support doesn’t hide you? You know we know how many times you visit this site every day? You are the ones who wanted the turtle to investigate and thought the turtle would just eat your bs story up. This isn’t BLN News asshole.

    • Buzz kill
      December 15, 2018 at 6:50 pm

      This rambling bullshit gave me a headache.

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