Here Is The Blueprint For Tanking Your Child Custody Case In Six Months Or Less, Courtesy of Professional Narcissistic DoucheWhistle Mike Cadena
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It’s been a busy couple months for Mike Cadena since we last checked in with him. To the shock and surprise of no one except for the weird, borderline mentally retarded pussy patrol cult Mike regularly panders to for sympathy, unmerited validation and donation money to support himself because he is an unemployed crybaby, his kid has not died or been sold in to sex slavery for drugs to date. Mike is regularly pretty bummed about that, though, because he just keeps expressing his desire for something, anything, to happen to justify what a gigantic steaming bag of shit he is.
Up until recently, Mike spent a lot of time crying about not being able to have phone calls with his kid, as if being a manipulative narcissist hell bent on using social media to vindictively get back at his ex with no regard for the effects it will someday have on his kid is somehow the marker of a good parent. It’s not. Now he’s not doing a lot of crying in full public view at all, because it looks like his page has been taken down.
But don’t worry guys, he didn’t have a stroke of conscience or suddenly develop actual care and concern for his child, or anything. It was taken down by Facebook, and goddamnit, he’s hell bent on getting it back up.
Every second that Mike Cadena isn’t lying to strangers on the internet for cash and sympathy, that kid is unsafe. This is really serious you guys. But thanks to his staunch insistence upon tearing apart anyone who dares question his bullshit story instead of just shutting the fuck up already and showing up to court, Mike has been losing followers anyway, who always eventually find their way over to us with plenty of screenshots of Mike’s total batshit fuckery. Enough so, that he has essentially penned the guide to fucking up your custody case using nothing but social media and the depths of your own self obsession and insanity. As a favor to my good friend Mikey Mike AND his remaining nutty bunch, I’ve compiled it and lent my own unique prose, since they keep blaming Turtleboy for everything anyway. Newsflash pyscho, I don’t “work” for your ex – we’ve never even spoken. I just really fucking hate you. You earned that all on your own. So, you’re welcome, guys, but the credit really all goes to you. Without further ado:
Mike Cadena’s Blueprint For Royally Fucking Up Your Child Custody Case
First, set up the shittiest foundation possible by losing your kid a couple times to the state. Make sure when you get the kid back you immediately commit parental kidnapping by moving 1,000 miles or more away in the middle of your case. This will quickly establish you as an unstable hypocrite who has no regard for the law, and will help debunk any future bullshit claims of abuse you concoct.
Then you gotta start making up some abuse. Make sure to take your completely uninjured child to a needless intrusive physical exam, and make sure you’ve taken a billion pictures of every single bump and bruise possible. Double points if you can find a therapist willingly to bang you and lie for you. That way she can contradict herself and become yet another witness not credible enough to testify on your behalf.
By now you’re really losing your footing, so it’s time to start exploiting your kid as much as possible. Start picketing, and throw that face up everywhere, so the bullshit stigmatizing story you’ve been perpetuating can follow him around for the rest of his life, and you can recruit as many gullible crazies as possible to help in ruining your chances of ever having meaningful contact again. Not that it will matter to you – a cult of vaginas and cash money is much more valuable to you, because you’re a sociopath anyway. At this point you should just start flat out refusing to go to court for your child, to clearly demonstrate that you don’t give one flying fuck, and court orders only apply to you if you find them agreeable. This isn’t about your child, after all, it’s about you.
And make sure you’re always, always, begging for cash.
Spread libel and talk trash about your ex as loudly and publicly as possible. Keep inflating your claims until they are beyond the realm of anything a moderately intelligent sane individual would ever find even remotely believable. This not only will help you clearly show that you are a selfish, vindictive prick. As an added bonus, it will weed out everybody but the diehard nutjobs, who will be useful in committing borderline criminal acts on your behalf later on.
And since the courts the ones with the ultimate authority, make sure to shit talk them, too. Call those judges out by name.
That way your rabid pussy patrol can make death threats later on. Definitely helps you look vindictive, evil and good old fashioned unstable. Just start throwing up insane babble at weird hours of the day and night, too. That’ll help solidify your image as a raging self absorbed sociopath, and can bring in to question whether or not you’re using drugs, too.
Take some videos that look like you’re tweaking over the last crack rock, too. That’ll help heighten the speculation.
It’s particularly helpful to have a history of smoking crack, because then you can really shoot yourself in the foot with your shitty behavior.
When you’re clearly losing, go full fugitive, and hide the kid like Ann Frank from the Nazis. This will show that you’re untrustworthy and possible dangerous, and will royally fuck your kid up in the head.
But let’s be real, you were planning to coach a reaction to exploit later on, anyway.
It’s also important to send your child’s private, personal records and documents to everyone. Indiscriminately, because discretion is for good parents, and that’s not you.
And once you’re good and fucked, dig your heels in. Keep lying, because the truth is only going to work in your favor. Best not to risk showing any maturity, sanity or remorse. Those are all redeeming traits, but this isn’t the guide for this. This is Money Mike Cadena’s guide to tanking your custody case all on your own, and it takes a gigantic scumcunt like Mike to do that.
When you are given a tiny shred of contact with your child, immediately start self sabotaging it. Start by worrying out loud that the phone calls will go as poorly as the 150+ you broke wiretapping laws to record, but with your own batshit crazy twist.
And then tank things even further by, despite being told by the judge to cut the shit on social media, just keeping up with the shit talking, and planning your next big attention and cash grab.
Finally, as your social media smear campaign falters and you just keep looking worse and worse, start planning your book deal.
The judge is gonna love it when he sees that.