Turtleboy Investigates

Here’s The INSANE IG Post From The Asswipe Andover Kid Who Refused To Come Out Of A Volleyball Game Got His Coach Suspended

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Earlier today we published this blog about the Andover High School football, volleyball, and former girl’s basketball coach EJ Perry, who has been suspended by the school without any warning for an unspecified allegation by an athlete.

Well a turtle rider sent us this Instagram post from an unidentified student who was the one responsible for the latest Andover witch hunt:

Just to review:

  • The coach pulled him from the game against Lawrence, which they were losing 22-21, after he admittedly just fucked up royally, costing his team a critical point, and in a game that goes to 25.
  • The kid decides that he’s not going to listen to the coach and leave the game. He tells the coach he’s the “best passer on the team” (even though he’s obviously terrible and cost his team a critical point) and can’t be replaced because the team will lose without him.
  • The coach rightly goes bonkers and tells the sub to go in, who also refuses to do as he is told because “he’s on my side.”
  • Andover ends up winning 25-23, therefore the disobedient child is smarter than the coach.
  • The coach tells me if he puts himself ahead of the team again like that he will be kicked off.
  • The coach “destroyed” the student 1 on 1, and the students “got my cheeks clapped” and lost his captaincy.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term “clapping cheeks” this is what the student is alleging:

“Refers to fucking a girl in any position that causes her ass cheeks to clap making a loud, distinctive, unmistakeable clapping sound.”

So he’s also accusing the coach of sexually assaulting him. Because….fuck his reputation. And instead of the disobedient puke kid getting kicked off the team, it’s the coach who gets suspended for “credible allegations.”

It’s so infuriating.

First of all jagoff, you’re a pretty shitty captain. When you’re the captain of the team you lead by example. If you’re telling the coach that you’re not coming out of the game after he subs you out, the you’re teaching the other kids that the coach is not in charge and they do not have to listen to him either. The fact that you think you still deserve to be on the team, let alone a captain, shows just how out of touch with reality you and your cupcake friends are.

This is absolutely bonkers. What planet am I on where this is OK? It’s insane that any administrator would support shitty children. And that’s exactly what they are. It’s a very wealthy town, and obviously there are no shortage of horrible children being raised by horrible entitled adults who have taught them that the world revolves around them.

We would LOVE to get this kid’s name. So I’m sure someone in Andover would be happy to provide it to us. He’s obviously a senior since he’s a captain and he’s likely 18 years old by now. He’s fair game to be publicly shamed as he deserves to be. He’s an awful, terrible, soulless human being who clearly needs to be taken down a notch. And we gladly do that for him, so that future employers and anyone who wants to know anything about him moving forward will know exactly the kind of rat puke they are dealing with. He’s not some 12 year old doing something dumb. He’s a grown man doing this. It’s just who he is at this point.

Of course the real problem is administration. It starts with Ginger Bill Martin, who fled from Shepherd Hill because they wouldn’t give him the AD job (and was accused by many of saying inappropriate things to female students), ran to Sharon (which he only used as a stepping stool to get this job), and ended up at Andover as the AD where he is now Shelley Berman’s bitch boy.

He could just NOT do this, but he’s too interested in pleasing his useless bosses. He’s willing to drag innocent people through the mud in order to advance his own career. And he knows better, since all of his kids did high school athletics, he personally coached high school boy’s soccer, and he frequently had to deal with psychopath parents like this at Shepherd Hill.

But once you get that AD job you just become a sellout like the people you talked shit about for years, right Billy?

Meanwhile, EJ Perry was named the “Coach of the Decade” in the 2000’s by the Eagle Tribune. He won TWO New Hampshire state basketball titles and SIX volleyball state titles. His career record in volleyball while coaching in New Hampshire? 112-0. Yup, he never lost a single game!! But some shitstain lucky sperm from Andover knows more about volleyball than him now.

He left NH to come back to his hometown to coach football, girl’s basketball, and volleyball, where he also teaches. He has reached the D1 North final in all three sports, despite Andover going against MUCH larger schools like Lowell, Haverhill, Lexington, Malden, and Cambridge. He comes from an amazing coaching pedigree. One brother is the head football coach at Bryant University, and another is the wide receivers coach for the Houston Texans!! (where he has been responsible for the growth of superstar DeAndre Hopkins).

His son EJ was one of the greatest players in state history, tying Doug Flutie’s kid for the most touchdown passes in a single season (47) in 2016. He’s currently a quarterback for Boston College where he is competing to become next year’s starter.

This is like, the greatest resume we’ve ever see. And Andover administrators are willing to get rid of him because their incompetent $228K a year superintendent, who has a past history of attacking his children’s coaches and using his job to intimidate them, would rather side with a disobedient child leading a mutiny.

Every single kid who has reached out to us has said GREAT things about him. This is one of the greatest injustices we’ve seen since the last injustice at Andover High School. How long will the people of Andover allow this to continue? Because your town looks very, very stupid, and I’d embarrassed to tell anyone I lived there at this point. Take your town back from these assholes.

28 Comment(s)
  • Truth
    April 16, 2018 at 9:32 pm

    He strikes fear into the eyes of the players and that is not what a good coach does. He destroys the players’ mentality, he is disrispectful to his players, his managers, and his assistant coach. On paper is not as important as people think!

    • Eat Shih-t
      April 17, 2018 at 10:33 am

      Fuck you. You have no idea how the real world works, do you. Mommy and daddy won’t be around forever to change your diaper and fight your battles. Grow up.

    • Kevin Fleury
      Richard Cranium
      April 17, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      Says the non-spiking, no pass, no set assclown from the bench! It’s called character. Get some.

  • Didi D
    April 16, 2018 at 7:59 pm

    It’ s called a thunderclap baby.

  • Buzza
    April 16, 2018 at 7:50 pm

    Sackless Shelley, Phil Conrad, Ginger Bill Martin what a sorry ass group of losers. TB do a little more sniffing on Phil Conrad at Hamilton-Wenham Regional High as well as quick departure from Rockport Public Schools. People of Andover are still taking this shit? It has a bunch of full baggage phony fuckin losers. Thanks Marinel McGraph for the training. You are a shithead too.

  • Ralph
    April 16, 2018 at 6:57 pm

    What a butt plug Berman is!

    • me
      April 19, 2018 at 8:16 pm

      There was a plan that these kids started last year – they named it “Operation Hydra” after a marvel reference to a company that infiltrates and runs a persons reputation- these kids are sick individuals who need serious help. Shame on Conrad and Martin for not doing any background check/ review of false claims – ATHLETIC DIRECTOR MARTIN – what EXACTLY DO YOU DO? Your JOB IS TO ENSURE SUCCESSFUL SPORTS TEAMS YOU IDIOT. WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU ARE SO INCOMPETENT MARTIN.

  • Nantucket Man
    April 16, 2018 at 5:04 pm

    Anybody with half a brain knows that, but it’s still a horrible term for a student to associate with his coach. Extremely disrespectful no matter how you interpret it. Student should be the one suspended, not the coach.

  • Maggie the Cat
    April 16, 2018 at 4:23 pm

    Soon no one will want to coach any school teams. I hope those who are upset when this happens realize that it’s these entitled ninnies who caused the problem.

  • Publius
    April 16, 2018 at 4:05 pm

    Imagine living in Andover? just kidding no sane person would.

  • just passing thru
    April 16, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    according to the Andover Townsman newspaper, these are the 2018 Captains….. now off to find their IG accounts…. Captains: Matt Gunthrie, Yanchen Zhan, Alex Shih, Steven Crowley

    • My guess
      April 16, 2018 at 5:20 pm

      It will be one of the European sounding kids, not one of the respectful overachiever sounding ones.

      • Schmoe me@gmail.com
        April 16, 2018 at 7:31 pm

        Rumor is it is Crowley

          April 16, 2018 at 9:27 pm


          • Kevin Fleury
            Richard Cranium
            April 17, 2018 at 9:27 pm

            Almost funny, wrong comment.

  • Mister Mike
    April 16, 2018 at 3:32 pm

    What a gay town.

  • Concerned Canadian
    April 16, 2018 at 3:28 pm

    I feel the author of this TBS article was too quick to “define” what the Team Captain meant by the phrase “got my cheeks clapped”.

    Using the first definition on urban dictionary is certainly not the way to confirm a sexual assault allegation. Seems like reckless hype. Not factual. Dare I say it… fake news!?

    I would venture a more conservative guess; the Team Captain was speaking in hyperbole. It was possibly used to describe a verbal disciplin he’d never experienced in his life.

    I’m not taking the side of the Team Captain, or condoning his behavior. Nor am I rallying with or against any group involved. That Coach on paper is qualified for days though.


    • Thank God for “smart” people
      April 16, 2018 at 5:26 pm

      Unmmm gee ya think??? I thought it actually meant that after the point the coach walked over, demanded the captain slowly but erotically spread his butt cheeks…. went to plow town and the captain had just enough of a boot you to get his cheeks clappin’

      Thx for clearing it up for us

      • Concerned Canadian
        April 17, 2018 at 4:37 pm

        Dear, Thank God for “smart” people

        You’re welcome.

        I was hoping to keep TBS a little closer to the truth with my comment. Apparently the readers here are so advanced in their thought and speech it was a total waste of depressions on my keyboard.

        I definitely should have checked with you first, about yours and others understanding of what TBS meant when they used the plain English words: “So he’s also accusing the coach of sexually assaulting him.”


        • Kevin Fleury
          Richard Cranium
          April 17, 2018 at 9:25 pm

          You ain’t from heah, it’s called sahcasm.

          • TortugaNino
            April 18, 2018 at 8:31 am

            I love this.

    • Nantucket Man
      April 16, 2018 at 5:40 pm

      Gee, none of us ever would have figured that out if you hadn’t clarified. No one took this literally. Still a very stupid term for the kid to use when discussing his coach.

      • Concerned Canadian
        April 17, 2018 at 5:27 pm

        Dear Natucket Man,
        Your sarcasm was not lost on me. I can tell you understood the Captains words to be exaggerative.

        Did TBS though? Did “No one” not, like you claimed?


        • Concerned Canadian
          April 17, 2018 at 5:27 pm

          Nantucket Man*

  • Society
    April 16, 2018 at 3:23 pm

    The fact that the kid openly admits to not coming out of a game when directed by coach should be end of story. Shit like this is why I quit coaching, and probably leaving teaching. This is what society created when we stopped telling kids “No” then gave them all trophies.

  • yo
    April 16, 2018 at 3:17 pm

    You do realize thats not what it means in this context

    • Kevi
      April 16, 2018 at 5:22 pm

      Don’t ruin this for me

    • Nantucket Man
      April 16, 2018 at 5:23 pm

      Anybody with half a brain knows that, but it’s still a horrible term for a student to associate with his coach. Extremely disrespectful no matter how you interpret it. Student should be the one suspended, not the coach.

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