Turtleboy Investigates

How To Cross The Street Without Being a Savage Who Presses The Walk Button

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Last week Turtleboy was driving around and came to the light at the corner of Lancaster and Highland Streets, and was greeted by this:


Yet no one was crossing. Because chances are some buttnut pushed the walk button and then realized they could cross the street without waiting for the walk sign. People who do this should be assassinated in town square with no trial.

I’m going to tell you something that we are not taught in schools but probably should be. If you are between the ages of 12-60, there is NEVER an excuse to hit the walk button in Worcester at ANY light. Ever. If you can’t figure out how to cross the street without forcing everyone else to stop driving, then you have no business walking around in public. Stay home with a helmet on your head and watch Netflix. You are a nuisance, a plague, and a scourge on society.

So to demonstrate how to cross the street Turtleboy went down to the worst light in Worcester – Chandler Street and Park Ave. Turtleboy is going to cross all four ways WITHOUT pressing the walk signal, to show you just how simple this process is. We began at the corner by Walgreens. You will notice that there is a young couple across the street who has already pressed the walk signal:


But as you can see, they are attempting to cross the street in the same direction in which traffic is already flowing. Plus they have wheels so they can go faster. This light is awful enough as it is, but in a moment everyone is gonna have to sit idly in their cars and stare at each other for absolutely no reason.

This woman in the scrubs also pushed the button, and as it turns out was only planning on going across the street to the D’Angelo’s. She also could’ve easily just walked on her own, but we’ve been trained to come to an intersection and hit the walk signal.


So apparently these people haven’t figured out what the rest of civilized society has – walk signals are for small children, the elderly, and people in wheelchairs. Able bodied people have no excuse to ever press that button. So let’s show them how to cross the street. It’s really not that hard. All you have to do is cross the street parallel to whatever direction traffic is traveling:


First you should make sure that nobody is trying to take a right, or else you will be plowed like a Main South entrepreneurial lady of the night. Observe:

Once again, if you would like to cross Chandler Street, all you have to do is wait until traffic is traveling in the parallel direction in which you would like to travel:

See? No crosswalk button required.

It was at this point that we once again noticed the novice cross walking lady in blue. She had gotten what she needed to get at D’Angelo’s, and she wanted to go back to where she came from by crossing Chandler Street again. You’ll notice that she could EASILY walk right here, because traffic is moving in the direction in which she plans to walk:


But she’s been trained to always press the button instead of just walking. It’s not her fault really, no one ever sat her down and explained how we operate in a civilized society. That’s why Uncle Turtleboy is here. You’ll notice that as she crosses, traffic in all directions just sits there for no reason. This is not efficient:

Now to cross Park Ave at this point can be a little tricky, so bear with me. Cars coming from Chandler in the left hand lane can either go straight or turn left. Luckily we have blinkers installed in our cars that let pedestrians know which way they intend to go. Watch and observe how we navigate across Park Ave without touching the walk signal:


Finally we will show the woman in the blue how she can cross Chandler Street without pushing the walk button. We won’t even wait until traffic is traveling parallel with us. We will simply cross when we see an opening:

See? Not that hard. When you press the walk button you go to the end of the line. But why wait in line when you can just go when you feel like it like Turtleboy does? Don’t be a dooshnozzle. Don’t push the walk button in Worcester.

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25 Comment(s)
  • typical white person
    November 9, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    I love driving through Kelley Square. As long as everyone keeps moving, nobody stops, and a drunk doesn’t walk out in front of you, it’s easy.

  • KVWater
    November 9, 2015 at 9:34 am

    Sorry Turtleboy. I love reading almost everything from you but this is wrong. If you hit the cross button you’re a jerk and hold up traffic but if you get hit walking without the walk sign, it’s your own fault . There’s no winning with this one. Safe rather than sorry!

  • Target Practice
    November 8, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    Turtle boy you better not let jase dillan see that pic you took of that sweet donk walking to dangelos, youre gonna be in trouble

  • Nanny
    November 8, 2015 at 9:34 am

    TB – please investigate why the thoughtless pedestrians on the west side eschew sidewalks and instead walk in the streets – often right down the middle of the street – at night and with leaves choking the roads. Are they just too dumb or entitled to use the perfectly good sidewalks around the Richmond Ave / Newton Square area?

    • Fillet o fish
      November 10, 2015 at 12:54 am

      Nanny: don’t rule out BOTH dumb and entitled in that area …

  • steven spangler
    November 7, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    Slow news day at the Turtle?

  • Wingin It In The Woo
    November 7, 2015 at 9:53 am

    I anxiously await TBS’s next article “What Did That Stupid Jaywalking Savage Expect When He Got What Was Coming To Him on Chandler Street?”

  • Pensrant
    November 7, 2015 at 7:22 am

    This could work, except the fucksticks that drive around Worcester don’t know what a directional is. Like Skeptical said, some jackass with no indication will take a right as you’re trying to cross. After having seen someone get hit and nearly killed while crossing the street (and yeah, he was THAT bad), I will wait for the lights and the walk signal. I do agree that pushing the button and then crossing without waiting is ass-holery at it’s finest, but for the love of all gods, drivers need to slow the fuck down, pay the fuck attention, and get a fucking clue. If drivers were ticketed for not using a directional, the city could make some real cabbage.


  • Anna Conda
    November 6, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    But you have to agree that it’s the worst when they do press the button but then realize that they can cross like the turtle says….
    It’s most annoying when the walk signal stops all traffic and there is no one there trying to cross! And everyone is watching the countdown..
    I’ve actually said something to people who do that…if I’m first in line and they cross in front of me..I say “Why did you press the button if you had no intention of waiting for it?” They expect the button to make the lights turn red immediately because they are there. And you know, today, it’s all about MeMeMe!

    • slooow
      November 7, 2015 at 1:53 am

      You must have a pretty easy life to get all bothered by having to wait for a crosswalk timer. Seems more “mememe” than just crossing the street in a selfish manner.

      You can wait, you’ll live.

  • Meh
    November 6, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    Nobody has informed turtleboy that most walk buttons don’t do anything anyway. They are a placebo to keep you patient while you wait for the light. If they actually functioned, some idiot would undoubtedly stand there hitting it over and over, backing up traffic for miles. The few that do function only do so during certain hours of peak pedestrian traffic. The more you know…

  • November 6, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    ..going to Chandler and Park and will press the walk button all day just to piss you off!

  • Skeptical
    November 6, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    BTW Turtleboy, before using this method, make sure our boy Con-Con isn’t out and about. If he is, you are at great risk LOL.

  • fastmark
    November 6, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    TB, I say you should try your theory out on Kelly Square. No walk buttons to screw things up. You’ll have to cross on raw talent alone (Extra points if you can cross over from both sides of Harding St.)

    • Skeptical
      November 6, 2015 at 3:34 pm

      LOL that isn’t crossing an intersection, that’s an athletic feat!

    • BobnMic
      November 6, 2015 at 3:58 pm

      Fastmark you beat me to it. Kelly fucking Square. I did not know they had crack cocaine back in the day when they designed that whatever it is. Because only people smoking crack would think that was excellent idea for traffic and pedestrians alike. Trying to cross that, whatever it is, should be a registered Olympic event.

      You could negotiate that, whatever it is, like many drivers do and close your eyes and gun it, or in this case run it, and hope for the best.

      But more than likely you’ll end up road pizza…

      • Johnny Hot Nuts
        November 7, 2015 at 1:48 pm

        Because back when Kelley Sq. was designed, everyone and their fucking brother didn’t have a car. It was usually one car per family. Traffic wasn’t like it is now. Too many cars on the road.

    • Wabbitt
      November 6, 2015 at 9:03 pm

      Kelley Square isn’t hard to get through. You just need to go around.

      Watch how the traffic is flowing and move around the clusterfuck accordingly. I used to do it all the time when I lived on Vernon Hill.

  • A Guy
    November 6, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    You’re assuming all Worcester residents can jog a short distance! I do get upset when I see folks who put literally no effort into their movements while they’re in the middle of the street.

    Anyways, I’ve seen kids walking down the sidewalk, not cross the street and just turn to follow the sidewalk but hit the button for shits and giggles. Then traffic sits.

  • Skeptical
    November 6, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    “All you have to do is cross the street parallel to whatever direction traffic is traveling”

    Until some dipshit driver that has no idea what they are doing takes a left or right into the crosswalk you are on and runs you over.
    And in my honest opinion the DCU Center/St Vincent’s intersection is a little worse.

  • Dm
    November 6, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Aside from a couple of really busy (and dangerous) streets, I never really relied waiting on don’t walk signals. I can mostly understand disabled people or a family with a bunch of kids using it, but for your average able-bodied joe, just use some common sense. Also DON’T take your sweet time crossing the street in the middle of heavy traffic as it’s the easiest way to cause an accident to yourself and others.

  • Kjt
    November 6, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    I know of one at a major intersection that goes on by itself. Maybe they are hooked up to the traffic signal pattern?

  • Loyal Reader
    November 6, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    Sorry, Turtle Boy. You are wrong on this one. The buttons are almost all placeboes. The cross signals are mostly timed, and these buttons only serve to make the pedestrian feel empowered. Some elevators do this with the close buttton and some doctors with sugar pills. It is the perfect system for Worcester because it gives the illusion of helping while doing absolutely nothing. People who push these buttons are actually waiting for the next timed signal change. That is why you were presented with the signal with nobody crossing.

  • Wtf
    November 6, 2015 at 2:35 pm

    Try this at the summit (West Boylston and West/East Mountain St) around the 5:00 hour. You probably won’t get as lucky as you did there.

    They have 2 lanes going straight in all directions. Left turn green arrows that seem to work when they want (and not at the times when they should – like rush hour). And right turn lanes that only have yield signs.


    • Ted
      November 7, 2015 at 6:17 am

      HERE’S the real problem with all of the preceeding: NO ONE in this city crosses IN the crosswalks. They cut between cars way short of the intersections, or this is the new classic standard: they cross DIAGONALLY – directly across the intetsection corner to corner. THIS is incredibly dangerous, even when the walk button is used because the pedestrian is coming at the motorist from an angle he dosent expect nor can he see! Oh and find me 3 drivers in Worcester who use thier blinkers.

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