Human Sex Traffickers Are On The Prowl In East Bridgewater Because The Super Bowl Increases Demand For Sex Slaves According To Pumpkin Spice Mafia


Over the weekend the East Bridgewater Police Department posted on Facebook about a missing woman.

Whenever someone goes missing it should be taken seriously, because time is of the essence. Naturally then the Pumpkin Spice Mafia had to show up and turn it into one of the most wild and outrageous, yet at the same time hilarious, shitshows of all time.

Yes, that’s right. Tis the season for some sex slavery. Everyone knows that human sex traffickers always wait until Super Bowl weekend to fill their demand orders. There’s a lot of Super Bowl parties and a lot of horny dudes who need some pregame entertainment. Prices for sex slaves SKYROCKET around this time, so it’s best to buy your slave a couple weeks after the game when demand is lower. Michelle Gamble is well-versed on these sort of things since she has studied statistics from FBI and criminology experts.

In a normal world people would immediately dismiss and laugh at a queefbrain who suggested something so comical, but was actually dead serious about it. However, this is the Pumpkin Spice world and we’re just living in it, so it was pretty much widely agreed that everything she posted was accurate.

Not just possibly true – 100% true!! Especially during “Human Trafficking Month.”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Is anyone else scared?

So scared!! And Lisa Watson has an unconfirmed anecdote about her cousin being kidnapped, so it must be true!!

It’s a billion dollar industry that can only be fixed with a hashtag. Does anyone have a hashtag we can use??


If enough people tweet that out and tap their feet together three times then all the kidnappers will be forced to release their sex slaves before kickoff.

And don’t you dare use the laughing emoji either, because this is VERY serious!!

Does anyone else have an unconfirmed anecdote they’d like to throw on the dumpster fire?

Oh snap!! Guy goes for a job interview in Florida and ends up with noodz in a Texas cage. I don’t care if she didn’t provide a link, that definitely happened. Because she’s a stranger on the Internet, and everything that strangers say on the Internet is true.

And what is the NFL going to do about this epidemic?

Someone might wanna tell poor Melinda Morrison that condone and condemn are not the same thing. They’re actually opposites. Nevertheless, we demand that the NFL strongly CONDEMN sex trafficking at the Super Bowl, because it’s not quite clear what their position on that topic is. Could go either way.

I’ll tell you one thing though – the East Bridgewater PD didn’t exactly help the matter with this post from January 14.

(Bangs head on desk)

Here’s what police departments should be doing:

Just tell these twats to shut their clam holes and go back to watching reruns of Say Yes To The Dress.

Of course the next day the EBPD updated their post because the woman was safe and sound. But watch out ladies, because you could be the next woman to get a free ticket to the Super Bowl, except this time you won’t be there to cheer on the Patriots. You’ll be there for Julian Edelman and Gronk to run train on you back at the hotel.

17 Comment(s)
  • PaBro Escobra
    January 30, 2019 at 10:03 pm

    All the fake outrage. These same ones fake mad over wed slave think border walls are immoral. These people are lunatics. These same ones express fake outrage over family separation at the border (not when obama did it tho) but celebrating abortion at birth. These people are deranged unhinged sicko hypocrites it’s magical how fucking Insane they really are.

  • Scott
    January 30, 2019 at 1:57 pm

    Remember when thots tried to peddle the ‘science’ that wife battering soared during the Super Bowl? A cynic might think that they want to be slapped and trafficked, ’cause then they’re the center of attention.

    • duhhh Matt Damon
      January 30, 2019 at 4:56 pm

      The dunce Bob Lobel still babbles about sports-viewing/domestic-abuse. He’s too old and dumb to be retrained.

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    January 30, 2019 at 11:17 am

    Yoga pants. Who woulda thought.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    January 30, 2019 at 9:54 am

    Nothing to worry about Michelle, with your looks they won’t be grabbing you anytime soon

  • Stunt Penis
    January 30, 2019 at 9:10 am

    I’m hosting a superbowl party at my house this weekend… can anyone hit me up with the numbers or names some of these sex slave traffickers? My guests need some pre-game entertainment. Is there like a website I can go to instead, sort of like amazon, where I can place an order? Maybe they have a custom order page where I can select my build characteristics like I can do when I visit a vehicle manufacturer’s web site, e.g. “Build your own sex slave” ? Is Prime shipping available for sex slaves? Or, do I just drive around the Brockton mall looking for random white vans, flag them down, and ask “hey are you the dudes trafficking in sex slaves?”

    There’s clearly a huge government cover-up ‘cuz how this sex trafficking stuff works isn’t being reported in the mainstream media (thank GOD for Facebook, Zuck to the rescue!) Obviously the politicans are covering this up because they want to keep all the sex slaves for themselves and not let us common people have sex slaves too.

    /end sarcasm

  • I'm so special everybody wants to make me their sex slave but I'm too repressed to admit my fantasy... Pammy:)
    January 30, 2019 at 5:03 am

    I went to a bar and left my pumpkin spice vodka drink unattended but my jacket was on the back of the chair so I thought my jacket would keep me and my drink safe. Next thing I know it’s 3 days later and I’m covered in dirt and god knows what, naked in a giant cage with 2 other men and 5 naked women and 3 black labs.

    I was shaken to my core when the police showed me the bar surveillance video of me taking pills and doing 10 shots then voluntarily leaving with the other 7 people from my BDSM encounter group. It kinda of explained how my 3 black labs got into the dog kennel with us in my backyard. Roofies?? they should call em “Floories because you always end up on the floor” (the hangover).

  • I'm Gonna Get Me a Sex Slave
    January 30, 2019 at 4:51 am

    Where can I get me a female white liberal, suburban sex slave?

    Oh the house of many cums, fetish websites, swinger parties, bdsm clubs, etc. They do it voluntarily and enthusiatically, cool, no criminal charges all legal.

    • Elizabeth Warren
      January 30, 2019 at 5:24 am

      Call me…

  • Fuck These Retards
    January 29, 2019 at 10:05 pm

    It appears from the photo that Michelle has a nice tan but she is going to need some serious wrinkle cream, but what is the name of the ugly albino dog?

  • Kim Un Jong
    January 29, 2019 at 6:09 pm

    Preach sisters. It’s not just women, children and men. My friend’s dog went missing and was later found naked and in a cage.

  • Look at me, everyone !!
    January 29, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    I think these idiots are just so desperate to be seen as victims, to belong to SOMETHING or be noticed as desirable, valuable women, that they throw themselves into anything that will get them attention. They might even be able to have their own colored ribbon to wear !!
    Or maybe they’re just bored, empty losers teetering on the rim of insanity.

    • Ribbon Guide
      January 30, 2019 at 5:06 am

      The black ribbon shaped like a chain and dog collar represents sex slavery for women who secretly rub one out to 50 shades of grey but can’t bring themselves to go down on their fiancé bc that’s gross.

  • Maggie the Cat
    January 29, 2019 at 3:20 pm

    I figured it out…Pumpkin Spice anything leads to insanity!

    • Kim Un Jong
      January 29, 2019 at 6:11 pm

      it must have some hallucinogenic effect

  • Let me up, I've had enough
    January 29, 2019 at 3:06 pm

    LOLOL… “You’ll be there for Julian Edelman and Gronk to run train on you back at the hotel.”

    SSTG is a savage.

    • Lola Bunny
      January 29, 2019 at 11:09 pm

      I only “came” to the comments (hee hee) to thank SSTG for that sweet bed time story! Pleasant dreams tonight for sure…
      Bad bunny lol

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