Jilted Braintree UNO’s Pooncake Employee Makes Viral Facebook Post About Being Beaten By Cook’s Baby Momma, Cockroaches In Food But Can’t Name Names, Takes Down Post When We Ask Her About It
Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information.
Earlier today a billion people tagged us in this post:
Oh for fuck’s sake. It’s called enter-tab people! It makes paragraphs. You can literally write the same thing without giving me a popsicle migraine headache.
Anyway, the post is wicked long so here’s the tl;dr:
- Chick is working at UNO’s Pizzeria in South Shore Mall in Braintree.
- Cook is an asshole who takes forever to make food and has a tendency of spreading his seed around like wildfire.
- One of cook’s baby momma’s picks him up outside of work every night, she makes him angry when he comes into work, and he takes it out on the staff.
- One night she was getting into her car and baby momma came up to her, accused her of talking to “her man,” assaulted her to the point where her face was all black and blue, and got back into the vehicle and left.
- She went back inside and her manager was too lazy to call the cops for her, so a coworker did instead.
- While the cops questioned her the cook comes barging in and has to be restrained.
- She was rushed to the ER in Weymouth and asked to do a lineup in the ER to identify the person who assaulted her, but she could not be 100% sure the picture she was shown was her assailant so the cops closed the investigation right then and there.
- The victim was upset with the police response and she called this “disguising.”
- The next day her GM had her working with the cook. She didn’t like this so she met with him but nothing was resolved.
- Since they refused to fire him (because he’s so valuable and irreplaceable as a cook at a chain restaurant) the GM (her manager was now on a plane to somewhere) decided that their working hours would be split up so as to not cross paths.
- Her hours were reduced from 30-45 a week to 14, and the more lucrative weekends were taken away.
- As a result of this alleged mistreatment she is quitting and spilling the beans on her way out.
- She claims UNO’s is infested with cockroaches, one of which was baked into a customer’s pizza skins. The customer somehow did not make a big deal out of it and Kristen took a picture in order to save it to the archives, just in case she wanted to have a good exit speech down the road sometime.
Here’s the pics she shared:
The post was shared hundreds of times within two hours, but all of this was posted without any context. We have no idea if that cockroach is from UNO’s in Braintree. We have no idea if she took the picture. And most importantly we have no idea who the cook was. So we messaged her to get more information…..
A couple of hours later and no response. Next thing you know the post was completely down….
And we probably won’t be hearing from her until we publish this blog.
So yea, gun to my head she’s obviously making this whole thing up for the following reasons:
- She’s soooo pissed off about the cook, but she can’t say his name. I know when I make tell all Facebook posts I always make sure to protect the people I hate the most. Definitely.
- She was beaten like the Norwood Spunktrumpet and yet she doesn’t want to say the name of the baby momma who did this to her. A name which she could easily find out by just asking around, since she comes to her work every single day to drop off the baby daddy.
- The cops gave her a lineup…..in the ER! YYYYYEEEAAAAAAAA!!!!!
- Once she failed to identify ONE PICTURE, the only time in the history of lineups that only one picture was offered, the cops closed the investigation right then and there. Just an hour or so after the assault. It’s not like a vicious beating was a serious crime or anything.
- Despite being beaten to a pulp she was treated as the perpetrator by management while the baby daddy, who had to be held back by the cops, was rewarded with better working hours.
- There is absolutely no way in hell a customer found a cockroach in their pizza skins and didn’t raise bloody hell.
- The post is no longer there, and was taken down shortly after we messaged her and people started tagging Turtleboy. You only do that when you’re full of shit.
- Pizzeria UNO’s is delicious. I refuse to allow myself to think that it’s infested with cockroaches.
- Her entire story was one paragraph – the strongest evidence of them all.
So yea, Facebook court is officially adjourned. We find the plaintiff guilty of gross ratchetness and filing a false Facebook report. Case closed.