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The Boston Red Sox dropped a heart breaker last night in 11 innings to the Milwaukee Brewers. Everyone’s favorite Boston Strong poster boy, Jonny Gomes had a chance to win it in the final at bat of the 11th inning.

He struck out. Game over.

In 14 at bats this season he now has seven strikeouts, and two hits. In his 14 at bats this season, EIGHT of them have come with two outs. All EIGHT resulted in an out, SIX of which were by strikeout. So what could people possibly like about this guy? Why is he so popular? Why do people hate ME when I merely point out how truly, epically terrible he is at playing baseball? People keep telling me he’s clutch. Consistently coming up to bat with two outs, and striking out in 75% of those situations makes you clutch now?

Here’s the case for Jonny Gomes being AWESOME!!!

Hey did you see that Jonny Gomes wore an American flag jacket to the White House? Did you see when he laid the World Championship trophy down at the Boston Marathon finish line? Did you see when he got a Boston Strong tattoo?

Or how about his narcissistic post game speech during the World Series when he said he was the kind of teammate “you want to go to war with?” Oh did you know he’s a HUGE Bruins fan too?

And he supports the troops!!

Man this backup outfielder really has built himself up into something huh? He’s even the Red Sox official flag bearer?

Man, Jonny is just so cool. He’s so America and Boston rolled into one it hurts. Fucking love this dude. He’s the glue that keeps this team together and we need to hold onto him.

I’m just kidding, he’s actually really terrible. We’ve been saying it all along, but apparently our most recent blog on Gomes’ antics put some people off. Like these nudniks from opening day at Fenway..

Tucking his American flag shirt into this blue jeans. It just doesn’t get any worse than this guy and his wife.

Were we too harsh on Gomes? Maybe we were wrong when we said that Gomes was doing all of this so that Red Sox fans would look past his obvious deficiencies as a baseball player. Perhaps the fact that he’s struck out nearly 1,000 times in under 3,000 career at bats and is a career .244 hitter was misleading. Let’s look at what he’s done so far this season….

Game 1: Gomes didn’t play, but he stood on the dugout stairs with a hooded sweatshirt on just so people would be asking, “Is Jonny gonna pinch hit?” John Farrell decided the answer was no.

Game 2: A lot of people are angry that Jonny didn’t play in the opener. He hits fifth in this game. Goes 0-4 with two strikeouts and leaves four men on base. Three of his four outs come with two outs, and he ends the inning.

Game 3: For whatever reason Gomes leads off this game. He gets his first hit of the season, but then proceeds to strike out to end the fourth inning with two outs, and two men on base. He follows that up with a strike out in the ninth. But he got hit by a pitch in the sixth inning. So that’s progress right?

Game 4: Jonny rides the pine to start this game but gets called on in the sixth inning of a tie game, with a runner on base and one out. Of course he strikes out. With a chance to redeem himself in the ninth inning with the team losing, he leads off. With a strikeout. Red Sox lose home opener.

Game 5: Jonny scores his first run on the season, and actually looks like a real baseball player. Next at bat comes up with a runner on and two outs, Red Sox down by one. Grounds out. Progress. Comes to bat in the ninth inning, with one man on base, one out, and a chance to win the game, which is tied 6-6. Hits into a double play. Game goes into extra innings, and he comes up in the 11th with two outs and his team down 7-6. Strikes out. Game over. Red Sox lose. Again.

But hey, he loves America right? He’s Boston Strong right? He like, totally gets this town and is the ultimate clubhouse guy. The “glue” that holds this team together. That’s not me saying that, just type his name into the Twitter machine and you see stuff like this:

Oh I get it. You’re Jonny, he’s Jonny. You have a beard. He has a beard. Yea, who cares if he gets on base right? I mean, not like we’re trying to win games or anything. A strikeout is fine by me too.

I know right. Kids should get it off from school. Some day we’ll tell our kids about this legendary strikeout machine who got a Boston Strong tattoo. He’s pretty much Bobby Orr, Larry Bird, and Ted Williams wrapped into one.

Herald reporter John Tomase noticed this during Game 1, when Gomes didn’t get called upon to pinch hit:

See what Jonny did here? He got us all to talk about him. This is what he does people. In a game he had absolutely nothing to do with he still found a way to get the media’s attention. Boston Strong!!

Yea bro!!!!! He totally LOVES America!!! Support the troops baby!!! Boston Strong!!!

He does? I thought we were defined by baked beans, strong accents, and winning championships? Apparently we are defined by over-frinedly, narcissistic strikeout machines.

Well, at least he’s got that going for him. Sign this guy for life!!!

Yea Boston might turn against guys like Phil Kessell, who did nothing wrong and produced while he was in Boston, but they would NEVER turn against a guy who wears an American flag jacket to the White House. Maybe if Phil Kessell had spent more time getting Boston Strong tattoos instead of scoring 30 goals a year, people would like him more.

Do people just copy and paste this?

You forgot the “f” word Shannon.

Carol, you represent everything that is wrong with Boston Red Sox pink hat fans. You just actually completely defined what a pink hat is. Your liberal use of the word “Red Sox Nation,” as if we are all one united group that loves Jonny Gomes, was your dead giveaway. She obviously knows Jonny really well, because she knows he has a heart of gold. I hate you Carol. You are the reason Red Sox tickets are so expensive.

So go ahead. Tell me how awesome Jonny Gomes is trolls. If you can’t find any anecdotal evidence to back up your opinion, then just say “Jonny Gomes is the fucking man.” Seems to work for everyone else.

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