Nudniks

Local Dad Flips Out Because Of “Offensive” Sign At Northborough Apple Picking Farm That Implies That Dads Are Fun People

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Question for all the dudes out there, especially the dads. Do you find this sign from Tougas Family Farm in Northborough, the best apple picking farm in Massachusetts, offensive?

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Most of you are probably saying, “

No of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?” 

You also might be saying, “That sign is PG satire that pokes fun of men who are stuck apple picking while football is on.” 

You would be correct. Because obviously only a complete dingleberry would see a sign like this and take offense with it. But then again we’re living in an age where you can get offended by whatever the fuck you wanna be offended by, despite the fact that your grievances are completely insane. And to cap it all off, you will be taken seriously instead of publicly humiliated and mocked as you should be.

Well, as you know, this is why Turtleboy Sports exists. To call people out on their bullshit, and to protect the good people amongst us from their shenanigans. Because it appears that not ALL men feel that this sign is a harmless joke. Check out the Facebook page by some nudnik named Aaron Gouveia, known as “

The Daddy Files.”

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Hey genius – stop being such a naniburger and have some God damn respect for yourself man. This is embarrassing and humiliating on so many levels.

First of all, it’s a bad idea by starting off a sentence saying, “

I know many will accuse me of being whiny and having a mangina.”

 If you have to start off a sentence with a disclaimer that you recognize that you are in fact about to act like a mangina, then that sentence is better off being kept to yourself. Because guess what? If you know everyone is going to call you a mangina ahead of time, then you’re probably being a mangina. Stop right there before you press enter.

Secondly, there is nothing I hate more than apple picking. I fucking hate apples and so do 75% of Americans. Why is this a tradition? There’s a million different kinds of fruits out there that are better than apples. Plums and pears are easily 1 and 2 in the fruit rankings. How come we don’t get to pick those off trees? That’s something at least I can get down with. But apple picking? First of all they’re heavy as shit. Secondly their texture sucks and they’re coated in a plastic-like cover. Thirdly, it’s always brown by the time you get to the core.

It’s a shitty, shitty fruit, and for whatever reason we pay top dollar once a year to take our kids to place like Tougas Farm in Northborough and fill bags with them. And why? Because the ENTIRE season of autumn belongs to women except for football. We get football. They get everything else. Like, fairs. Women love these God-forsaken relics of 19th century town life. Why? What the hell is fun about going and smelling goat shit in Woodstock CT? Why do I wanna watch a frog jumping competition in Sterling? Who gives a shit about the biggest prize pumpkin in Topsfield?

No one, that’s who. Women don’t even like this stuff. They’ve just convinced themselves that they do because men hate it. Nobody actually likes fairs. They just like the IDEA of going to a fair. It feels like fall. When women get to abandon the daisy dukes and put on a hooded sweatshirt and yoga pants. curl up in a blanket, and drink warm apple cider. It’s just a bunch of nostalgic bullshit. In women’s minds this is what happens when you go apple picking:

couple-picking-apples-together 961eb5304bd3d16c3fbb7919c62dad7b apple-picking Apple picking at Eckert’s Belleville Farm double date idea. couple-going-apple-picking 5e9473cd838cf44ad0b062530b15b83f

Ya see that? This is all Pinterest’s fault.

In reality though, only someone who writes a blog called “The Daddy Files” can actually have a good time apple picking. So my question for Aaron Gouveia, is why the fuck are you paying attention to signs at the apple farm? Is it because you have so many vowels in your name? Why are you doing anything except going on your phone and reading Turtleboy Sports? More importantly, why are you taking it so seriously? Newsflash – it’s a freaking joke!! Chill the fuck out dingleberry. Everyone knows dads have value. Everyone knows dads aren’t kids.

But as men, we’re supposed to be the funny ones. We can take a joke. We’re supposed to be the ones that kids can turn to for a good laugh when mom is freaking out about what you’re gonna wear in school pictures. When mom is grilling little junior about his shitty progress report, dad is supposed to be sitting on the couch watching the game. Dad is only supposed to speak when mom says, “

Hey Turtleboy, are you gonna back me up on this one with Turtleboy Jr.?” 

And then you give your kid the token lecture before taking them out for ice cream. Kids need their dads for discipline and humor. Hasn’t this numbnuts seen

Mrs. Doubtfire

?

I’m not gonna lie, I was expecting more of a sense of humor from a guy who dresses like this:

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I mean, the guy is a fat bastard. He obviously gives zero fucks about appearance, which I respect the hell out of. Everything about him is magnificent. From the “I stopped giving a fuck” five o’clock shadow, to the “I just rolled out of bed and tossed this t-shirt I found on the floor on”, nothing about this guy gives me the impression that he would give a shit about a sign with a harmless joke on it. And where do you even go about buying zebra pajama pants? I need a pair of those stat. They go so perfectly with crocs too!!

But for whatever reason he does care. His site, “The Daddy Files” was created in 2008. Apparently there is a small market for ice cold takes about faux outrage. This guy obviously just writes ridiculous things for page views. Because as dads we’re supposed to have a better sense of humor than mom. Mom is supposed to be the embarrassing one that freaks out over signs like this. Dad is supposed to be cool, calm, and hilarious.

But apparently not ALL men got the memo:

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Calm down fuck boi. What’s really sad about this is that it’s not a “lone dad” situation. This guy has other dads who agree with him. Apparently they all expressed their outrage to the farm and they got their way:

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Yup. 98 morons agreed that this gross overreaction was a good thing. Obviously Tougas Farm took it down. They’re not in the business of controversy. They’re in the business of getting you to buy bags full of a terrible fruit. This guy acts like he just convinced the King of England to grant American independence.

Newsflash – they took the sign down because they decided it wasn’t worth it to deal with your moronic ass. They weighed the pros and the cons. On one hand, they could keep the sign up and deal with you and your army of nudniks hounding them day and night about your delicate sensibilities. On the other hand, it’s just a fucking sign. Take it down and all problems go away. They chose the latter, not because it was the right thing to do, but because they just really didn’t give a shit.

This is how society works now. Everyone out there is outraged or offended by something. Instead of standing up to bozos like you, it’s easier to just throw you a bone so you’ll shut the fuck up. Unfortunately for you, Turtleboy Sports doesn’t give into offended terrorists like you. Tougas Farm saw a post like this:

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And realized that you’re a psycho who could be appeased pretty easily.

And for some reason all these soccer mom’s have his back too:

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First of all, Turtleboy Sports is a family blog, and we don’t give a shit about this sign. Secondly, this farm is not there for “educational” purposes. It’s there to make money off of people who wanna pick a bunch of apples that their kids are gonna end up smashing in the driveway for sport. Most importantly, your son doesn’t give a shit about this stupid sign. He probably didn’t even read it. Because he’s a kid who wants to chase his stupid sister around with a worm, go for a hayride, and talk about how much the goat shit smells.

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First of all Kirsty, anyone there is no “u” in “humor.” We get it – you’re an enlightened Boston brahmin. We’re all very impressed. And why are these people acting like this sign is the downfall of humanity? Like men are all gonna turn into a bunch of deadbeat sperm donors because of a sign at an apple farm in Northborough!! Newsflash – this harmless sign is not telling men that they can’t handle responsibility. If it were, then it wouldn’t be a joke.

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Look, there’s a fair amount of shit I get fired up about when it comes to the feministos. Like for instance, it is no longer a woman’s job to cook and clean. Fair enough. Equality in the Turtleboy household. So then why the hell is shoveling still the man’s job? Shoveling sucks, and it’s supposed to snow a lot this winter. That’s something worth getting fired up about.

But this isn’t one of the things. Because it’s a stupid fucking sign in Northborough.

When I’m on this page I feel like I’m in a bizarro world. Kind of like when I was reading all those complaints about police brutality last week. For a minute there I thought I was in the minority. Like I was back in a classroom at UMass with a hippy professor telling me that white straight cisgender men are the devil. But then I’ll write something like this and I’ll be reminded that the vast silent majority out there feel the same way I do. It’s just dillweeds like this that make it seem like they’re in the majority because they yell louder than everyone else. Well, this is why Turtleboy Sports exist. We are the voice of the silent majority who will not be silent anymore. We will call you out on your bullshit and shenanigans. Either you’re with us or against us. Join the revolution. Ride the turtle.

byou9

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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60 Comment(s)
  • Sonny Bono
    October 23, 2018 at 11:53 pm

    This guy has definitely been confused since the day he came home from a half day at middle school unexpectedly and witnessed his father in a Cher wig, choking on Uncle Todd’s hot dog in the parlor. Now this vengeful undercover ass pirate is taking it out on society.

  • December 16, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Hi, i feel that i saw you visited my website so i got here to go back the desire?.I am trying to in finding issues to improve my site!I guess its good enough to use a few of your concepts!!

  • Offended Woman
    October 6, 2014 at 11:31 am

    A man might EASILY be offended by this sign if he was a single father who decided to take his kids fall apple picking. What if his wife, GF, or other co-parent was dead? It could stir up all kinds of anger, sadness, who knows what. This sign was created by ppl in a bubble where all dad’s are counter parts to mom’s. When you are raising your children without a mother or other co-parent the world is not really set up for you. From no changing tables in men’s rooms to signs like this. Yeah maybe you see my idea of who might be offended by this as a rare exception, but there ARE more ppl out there who would be troubled by this sign than just egotistical whiners who take themselves too seriously and are looking for any excuse to say remove the manger scene from your town square. Open your mind a little and have a little empathy for folks who walk a different path. Peace.

  • October 1, 2014 at 2:58 am

    THE PANTS WERE WORTH IT!!!

  • September 29, 2014 at 10:39 am

    The sign wasn’t as funny as that dude’s pants. The Universe has a way of correcting itself.

  • KitKat
    September 26, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Pears are WAY worse to pick than apples. They don’t come off the tree as easily and they’re much heavier to carry than apples.

  • sullivan
    September 25, 2014 at 12:12 am

    Another great article..crying with laughter. Thanks!!!!

  • September 23, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    I’m 44 years old. Am I considered an adult to chaperone another dad with his own kids? I mean, can I be considered an “adult” as long as I’m not with my own kids? Can I be the adult for him, and he be the adult for me if we each have our own kids with us and want to have a two family outing but the moms are shopping, drinking wine, scrapbooking, or on Pinterest? I’m confused.

  • nasty
    September 23, 2014 at 12:18 am

    People really just need to sit back and relax

  • Josh
    September 22, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    I am drunk.

  • September 22, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    How can you be offended by something written in Comic Sans?

  • September 22, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    “This guy obviously just writes ridiculous things for page views.”
    Black much, pot?

    • Gonewestbutnotsoft
      September 22, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Did he ever deny that? The only difference seems to be that Turtleboy does it for laughs, not to recruit a posse who wears their wives’ Zumba pants.

  • Jhw
    September 22, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    “have some God damn respect for yourself man” might be the best line ever.

    My only contention. There may be few things in this world that pale in comparison to some mean, warm Apple Crisp. That is the only time to take vanilla over chocolate. I learned the recipe from the SuperHeroes Cookbook.

    Otherwise, very well done haha!

    • September 22, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      have some God damn respect for yourself man might be the best line ever. And then again it might be listed on page 123 of the “How to Insult People on the Internet For Dummies Book” which kind of negates it being the best line ever.

  • Sarah
    September 22, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Why are there so many haters creepin on your blog? People need to learn about wit and satire. Maybe then they wouldn’t be exposed for being an unfunny fat slob and instead be the funny fat guy. I don’t know but I would rather socialize with a funny fat guy instead of some clearly miserable slob that needs to get a harmless sign taken down for some likes on the Facebook page.

    • September 22, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      This post was neither witty nor funny both of which are required to educate others about wit and satire. Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong fat guy.

  • September 22, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    I would be more embarrassed as this man’s son with the fact that he has no balls and has to go after a farm for a joke than I would be by that sign. Plus we all know that little boys don’t like the read so why in the hell would they voluntarily read a sign at a farm where they get to roll around in dirt instead? This man needs some balls. Once again, kudos to you!

    • September 22, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      I would be more embarrassed at working for some second rate network marketing job than having a father who was concerned about a sign. How do you like them apples.

  • David Kepley
    September 22, 2014 at 11:44 am

    So just to be clear, the way you disagree with this guy’s opinion is to poke at his weight and make an uninspired joke about vowels in his last name? I don’t agree with making threats to achieve change, but I really disagree with demeaning others to build yourself up.

    I’m curious, do you have children or are you just spouting about something you have no clue about?

  • Marc
    September 22, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I get that you feel differently…maybe you didn’t comprehend the sign was making fun of dads. Your epic shit stain on the internet is an embarrassment to you as well. You’re garbage rage and offensive post and your unnecessary attack on a man was pointless and counterproductive to a movement to be more engaged fathers and leave a would where are sons are deemened by an apple orchard. Your piece is vile and offensive.

    • GN
      September 22, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      I’m deemened by you’re pointless & counterproductive grammar

      • September 22, 2014 at 3:57 pm

        Demeaned. It is demeaned.

        • wabbitt
          September 22, 2014 at 6:16 pm

          Hence why he typed it that way. Because Marc typed it that way. AKA he was pointing out stupidity.

          • September 22, 2014 at 8:00 pm

            AKA stands for Also Known AS- or don’t misuse AKA to point out how people haven’t basic literary skills.

          • September 22, 2014 at 8:18 pm

            wabbitt, I think you’re confusing AKA with IE. Please see example below…

            TheJackB AKA a father who seems to spend valuable time on the internet instead of with his kids, should dedicate his efforts elsewhere, in an effort to avoid wasting everyone’s time by making moot points. IE his last comment.

          • wabbitt
            September 22, 2014 at 10:59 pm

            I know full well what AKA stands for. And I was using it to point out the obvious fact that the joke sailed so far over your head that it could be seen from the ISS with the naked eye. While it isn’t the absolute correct use of the acronym, it’s a close enough term.

            Well, unless you’re just going out of your way to nitpick.

        • GN
          September 23, 2014 at 10:05 am

          It is also “your” (possessive form), not “you’re” (contraction). Please correct correctly and completely if you’re going to correct my mocking correction.

          • September 24, 2014 at 2:42 am

            Do a better job of mocking and I’ll consider it.

    • September 22, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      If you find his blogs so vile, why read them, unless you are just trolling? I don’t read things that I know will upset me.

  • Homer
    September 22, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Nice family blog. I will be sure to check back for future parenting nuggets of wisdom.

  • Jay
    September 22, 2014 at 10:40 am

    why the personal attacks on Aaron? Talk about the content of what he said not his physical appearance. Also, Fuck is not a word that should be used as extensively as you do. Grow up and get a vocabulary. Douchebag.

    • FckBoi
      September 22, 2014 at 11:51 am

      Interesting that you criticize one of the mom posters for spelling ‘humour’ – which, by the way is the way the English tend to spell it, and then you toss around ‘boi’ like that’s a correct spelling. Nice work.

      • Finnish goalie
        September 22, 2014 at 11:55 am

        Take a moment to read some earlier entries and you’ll get the joke.

    • SukMyPhart
      September 22, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      Hey dumb fuck, turtleboy brought up his fat ass appearance because fat people usually have a good sense of humor (or ‘humour,’ if I lived in England with a bunch of fat ass, tea drinkers). As far as the word ‘fuck’ goes, it’s a great word with an infinite number of meanings and uses in a sentence. Grow up and use the word like a fucking man! Bag of vinegar-water.

    • wabbitt
      September 22, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      Calling someone a douchebag is just fine and dandy. But calling a fat neckbeard fat and using the word fuck IS VERBOTEN!!!

      Logic much?

  • September 22, 2014 at 10:39 am

    What a tool!!!!! I can’t associate with people that don’t have a sense of humor. Clearly this sign was designed with him in mind. They must have remembered the dbag in the zebra pants and crocs the year before and wanted to stick it to him!
    Lol aaannd he definitely has too many vowels in his name

  • September 22, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Let me offer you some help: TurtleBoy Sports is always open to accepting guest blogs

    You mean to write you are always open to accepting guest posts and not guest blogs. The blog is the “whole” and the posts are the pieces. No one who knows a damn thing about blogging would write guest blogs but then again most people with lives wouldn’t waste the 500+ words you spent on this topic.

    Anyway, the celtics suck, Brady is overrated and you won’t see another Superbowl win until the pats are allowed to cheat again. Tell your grandma and sisters to buy you a new typewriter for Christmas or better yet ask them to give you money for tuition so you can go to college and learn how to write.

    Neither one of us will ever get back the 90 seconds it took to write this, what a shame. Got a run to go pick some apples because not all of us spend our days stuck in our mom’s basement eating Pop Tarts while we type out weak posts trying to lampoon others.

    • Finnish goalie
      September 22, 2014 at 10:41 am

      Picking apples on a Monday? Man of leisure?

    • September 22, 2014 at 8:22 pm

      Everyone knows the Celtics suck. Go B’s!

    • September 23, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      Hey fuck you dumbass I’m the real Jack B and there’s only room for one Jack B in Worcester.

      • September 24, 2014 at 2:32 am

        You are right. Only an idiot would live in Worcester. Congratulations, your village is covered.

  • Finnish goalie
    September 22, 2014 at 10:20 am

    “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

    Think of the well being of the readers, Turtle Boy. The revolution can’t spread if the people are dead.

  • WeAreTheMightyColonels
    September 22, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Dude! I get the hate for apples, it’s a weak sauce fruit. But you are forgetting the real reward of apple picking. After you’ve given away half the shit and are still stuck with a bazilion enema inducing hell fruits …. wives, girls, moms, grandmothers spring into action and whip batches of delicious cinamony apple crisp and pies together. Fresh from the oven smelling tasty as fuck! Throw some vanilla ice cream on that bitch and overdose on carbs to help doze during boring Pats game like you read about!

  • Joey G
    September 22, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Ummm… I get it that by apple picking we are kind of taking on the role of migrant farm labor. But wow… you really hate apple picking. I mean you might be the biggest apple picking malcontent of all time. As a former apple picker… I find this to be a microaggression. Please wait for me to spark social media outrage at you.

    • September 22, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      If its not Buffalo chicken strips, Buffalo chicken wings, Buffalo chicken wrap, Buffalo chicken pizza, or Buffalo chicken flavored Gatorade, Turtleboy doesn’t approve.

  • September 22, 2014 at 8:43 am

    You had me at Zubaz….it’s 1991 all over again.

  • Honeycrispy
    September 22, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Spot. On.

    Too bad the farm didn’t grow nuts so this fatso could buy a pair

  • Laura
    September 22, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Thank you for this awesomeness

  • September 22, 2014 at 6:38 am

    if he had a real vagina as opposed to a mangina, he could have probably handled the sign… just sayin’

    • JFrisch
      September 22, 2014 at 8:53 am

      Ride the turtle…save the world!

  • September 22, 2014 at 6:34 am

    Apples off the tree are PFG Turtleboy

    • Finnish goalie
      September 22, 2014 at 9:07 am

      Save a bundle too. Love them.

  • Cider
    September 22, 2014 at 1:22 am

    Probably wouldn’t have given much thought to the sign. If I did it probably would have been the thought of the owners kid pestering him into putting it. You need someone with you to dad, you to dad. Now thinking about it could it have been an attempt to keep single gentlemen from walking around. After all they can’t out right say no single stalking sex offenders they might need to watch out for.

  • GrandWizard Ultra Dragon King of the South
    September 22, 2014 at 12:45 am

    This is why america is soft. Wife wont put out? Easy solution bitch about everything

  • Elle
    September 22, 2014 at 12:34 am

    What a giant douchebag.

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