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Has there ever been anyone in all of sports who eases pure machismo like the New England Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski? Sure the stars of the show last night’s complete and utter emasculation of the Indianapolis Colts were Brandon Browner, Darrelle Revis, and Jonas Gray. But watching what Gronk was doing was way more fun. Granted he didn’t catch three touchdowns but he did a lot of other shit that basically proves he is the greatest football player in NFL history.

Like when Julian Edelman ran a reverse and Gronk was the lead blocker with a full head of steam:

I mean, what the hell is a defender supposed to do there? You have this savage wildebeest bearing down upon you at full speed. There is absolutely no shot that you will do anything except get creamed. Speaking of cream, then there was the play where Gronk ruined Sergio Brown‘s life on yet another Jonas Gray touchdown:

I just wanna say that it’s bullshit that he got a penalty for that. What the hell was he supposed to do? It’s not his fault God made him this way. Gronk would do that to anyone one on one, he can’t help it. It’s science. Oh yea, and Sergio Brown just happened to be the guy who broke Gronk’s arm in 2012 on an extra point attempt. So he had that one coming.

And just to prove that he could score whenever he felt like it he decided to help Turtleboy’s Fanduel squads with a garbage time touchdown in the fourth quarter:

My favorite part about Gronk is the new move he’s using. In Soviet Russia, Gronk tackles you!!

I could watch Gronk tackle people trying to to tackle him all day. We’ve seen NFL players stiff arm their way to glory before, but we’ve never seen someone take a cornerback and give him a God damn noogie before literally tackling him. God bless you Gronk.

Finally no Gronk facializing would be complete without a victory dance:

Mrs. Turtleboy is always telling me I can’t dance, but I shit you not Gronk stole those dance moves from me. Glad to see Gronk is on board the Turtleboy Sports revolution.

The bottom line is that Gronk is the best player in NFL history, and it’s not really close. We’ve seen great quarterbacks like Joe Montana, Tom Brady, and Tony Eason. But we’ve never, ever seen someone do the things that Gronk can. No one has ever had his combination of size, speed, hands, and raw masculinity. Just look at this face:

That is the face of an insatiable monster. There can be no doubt that the Patriots would’ve won the Super Bowl in 2011 if he was healthy. He’s a more valuable receiver than Calvin Johnson or any other wideout in the NFL. Tight ends simply aren’t supposed to have the combination of blocking, catching, and running ability that he possesses.  Before Gronk there were guys like Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates who could go up and catch the ball. There were guys like Jay Novacek and Ben Coates who were reliable targets that could get you the first down. But none of those guys were nearly as valuable or dynamic as Gronk.

He’s already the best tight end the NFL has ever seen, but if he stays healthy he’s going to win multiple Super Bowls and MVP’s. His first MVP simply has to be for the 2014 season. Who else? Brady? Aaron Rodgers? Phil Rivers? Nope. None of those even come close to bringing to their teams what this insane infra human does.

Last week I said the Patriots team would go 13-3. That was obviously really dumb. I mean, how can anyone beat this team? When we lost to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game last year it almost didn’t matter because the Seattle Seahawks would’ve torn our guts out in the Super Bowl. That would’ve sucked. This year though? Seattle and San Francisco, the best two teams in football by a mile last year, are both borderline suckbag city. Which NFC team is gonna beat us? The Arizona Cardinals? LOL. The Philadelphia Eagles? Get that weak Chip Kelly sauce out of my face.

Honestly, the only team that has any shot at beating us is a team we’re gonna see shortly – the Green Bay Packers. Can you imagine that Super Bowl? Brady vs. Rodgers. Gronk vs. Worcester’s own Richard Rodgers. A rematch from 1996. It gets me moist just thinking about it.

The Turtleboy Sports NFL power rankings return tomorrow. Is there any doubt who will be the new #1?  That’s a clown question bro. (oh yea, and we’re always looking for new pollsters. Email us at hottakes@yahoo.com if you’re interested).

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